


Love and other Addictions

by cr8zymommy



Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: Drugs, M/M, Triggers, Withdrawal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-08
Updated: 2014-05-07
Packaged: 2018-01-23 23:24:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 70,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1583213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cr8zymommy/pseuds/cr8zymommy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AJ and Brian have been together for a short time now, though no one else around them knows it. They've managed to keep it from everyone, including their friends. But now that they're back on tour, forced around everyone all of the time, how are they going to keep their secret? All they want is to be together, but they're not ready for the world to know about them yet.</p><p>But what happens AJ starts to spiral downhill into a deep, dark place? When problems drag him down into the world of drugs and alcohol? Can Brian keep his lover sane and whole and still manage to keep their love a secret? Or will it all end up being too much for them to handle?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

PART ONE

This was going to be one hell of a long tour. Brian couldn’t stop himself from thinking about it as he sat at the table in the kitchen of the bus. Just ahead of him on the couches sat Howie and AJ, watching some stupid Terminator movie. Both Nick and Kevin were napping in their bunks. Oh yeah. All of them packed into one bus? It was going to be a long tour. With only short breaks here and there they would be on tour until November. The first leg of the Black and Blue tour would take them through North America. Next it would be on to South and Latin America, then the second North American leg. Finally they would end it all in Japan. It was going to be a grueling schedule.

Brian looked down at the book in his hands, not really seeing the words on the page. Already he’d read the same paragraph three times over before he finally gave up to do what he really wanted to do. So, using the book as a cover, Brian slanted his eyes sideways and let his eyes drift on the one thing in the room that always drew his gaze. AJ. No matter what they were doing or where they were, Brian could never stop himself from just sitting and admiring the man that he loved. Who could resist looking at him? The man practically oozed sexuality from every single pore. It didn’t help that Brian knew, intimately, exactly how sexual AJ could be.

The attraction had come first between them. Brian remembered watching AJ all the time and feeling his mouth water. Wanting nothing more than to walk over and kiss him and touch him and do all sorts of things that would have shocked anyone else if they could read into his mind. But the attraction hadn’t been just physical. He’d been attracted to AJ’s personality as well.

That devil-may-care attitude that he showed everyone. The way he had grown from this scared, tough acting little kid into this tough, rebellious adult. How he dressed in his own style, and screw what others thought. Like getting his ears pierced even though management had flipped over it. Or the first tattoo that’d put on his body against the wishes of management and his mother. But AJ was AJ, and he took all their yelling in stride before calmly telling them it was already done and that they would just have to deal with it.

He was fiercely loyal to his friends and family. Anyone who got to know him knew that you didn’t mess with his family, and that his friends were considered part of his family. If you did, you were asking for trouble. Serious trouble.

Brian smiled to himself as he remembered a time when they had first started recording and they were all still so young. They’d been practicing their vocals together one afternoon while waiting for the studio to clear out. Poor Nick, so shy and awkward back then, had been singing his part only to have his voice crack a little like he was still in puberty.

Two guys had been walking past, guys that had been close to Kevin’s size, and they’d started to laugh and make jokes about the chubby little nerd. They’d been rude and vulgar, asking him if his nuts hadn’t managed to drop yet, and commenting to one another that they better be careful or the kid would just sit on them.

Before anyone had been able to do anything, and they’d all been pissed, AJ had flown past them all and leapt on the first guy, knocking him to the ground with the force of his tackle. He’d punched the guy a few times before his friend had pulled AJ up. Instead of backing down, AJ had lashed out, slamming his heel back into the guy’s nuts and dropping him to the ground too. Then he’d stood over top of them, hands on his hips, and had sneered at them both. “Pick on him again an I’ll make sure your nuts go right back up where they came from.” He’d threatened.

Then, calm as can be, he’d turned around and walked back over to join them all as if nothing had happened. By then security had come to haul the two away and take care of anything else. AJ didn’t give anyone a chance to say anything about what he’d done. He’d simply flung an arm around a dazed Nick’s shoulders, used that hand to wipe the tears that were on his cheeks, and told them. “Let’s take it from the top.”

That was the kind of person that AJ was. That loyal, that protective and loving. Right then and there had been when Brian had known he was moving from lust to love.

A smile curved his lips as he thought about when he and AJ had finally admitted what they felt to one another.

~~~flashback~~~

Too much tension had the muscles in Brian’s shoulders knotting. He sighed, rolling his shoulders in an effort to loosen it. This was getting ridiculous! He had to learn how to control what he felt when he was around AJ. There were only so many cold showers a person could take. Only so many ways to hide the hard-on that he seemed to almost constantly get. Hell, just looking at AJ as he danced across the stage, pulling his shirt up to flash his perfect abs at the fans, rolling his hips in that grinding motion, it was all enough to have Brian drooling.

With a frustrated sigh he grabbed a pair of swimming trunks and a towel and robe and headed off to the hotels swimming pool. It was too late to go play basketball, so maybe a few laps around a pool would help burn off this energy. It was either that, or spend another evening jacking off in the shower. Half the time he didn’t even have enough privacy for that!

Sharing a room with Nick was like having a little brother with him. Nick was always there, talking and laughing and wanting to play video games or talk about girls. Usually Brian didn’t mind so much. They were best friends, and he loved spending time with Nick. They always had a blast. But lately that sexual tension had built a knot in Brian’s whole body and all he could seem to think about, all the time, was AJ. It was getting out of control.

By the time he reached the pool he was tenser than when he had started out. The swimming area was quiet and empty, dark but for the moon shining in through the skylights. It gave the water a calming look. He went into the dressing room and changed into his shorts and then he was back out there, smoothly diving into the water.

His dive barely made a sound. With the ease of someone comfortable in the water he started a breaststroke from one side and back again, swimming the length of the pool, trying to work out his energy so maybe he’d be able to get some sleep. He never heard anyone else come in. Never saw anyone sitting on the edge of the pool until he came up to flip around and found himself face to face with the one person he’d been trying to avoid thinking of.

“Jesus, AJ!” he swore at him. Treading water, he wiped the water out of his eyes and pushed his hair back to glare. “Give a guy a heart attack why don’t you?”

A momentary grin curved AJ’s lips, lighting up his face. He sat on the edge of the pool with his pant legs rolled up to his knees and his feet and calves lazily moving through the water. “You look healthy enough to me.” He quipped back.

Brian couldn’t help but notice that the smile on AJ’s face seemed to be slightly forced. His hands were in his lap, fiddling with the hem on his shirt the way he always did when he was nervous. Nervous? What did he have to be nervous about?

Pushing aside his own problems, Brian tried to focus only on his friend, not on the body he wanted to devour. “You ok?”

Surprise had AJ’s eyebrows winging up over his sunglasses for just a moment before they settled back down. Oh how Brian wished he’d take those stupid shades off. He wanted, more than anything, to stare into AJ’s beautiful eyes. Too often they were covered up by those stupid sunglasses. “Yeah…” AJ started to say, but then he cut himself off. Something had his spine straightening. “No, no I’m not.”

It was easy for Brian to hear the false bravado in AJ’s tone. Concern had him forgetting totally about anything else but what was bothering his friend. “Is there anything I can do to help, Age? I’m here for you if you need me.”

“I think there is. Would you come here for a minute?”

Brian swam forward until he was almost between AJ’s legs. It was tempting to brace himself on AJ’s knees but he thought that would be testing his restraint a little too much. So he put his hands on the pools edge and held on as he looked up into AJ’s face. Something had his heart beating faster suddenly, so loud that he was surprised AJ couldn’t hear it. “What,” Brian had to pause to lick his lips. “what can I do, AJ?”

For a second he didn’t think AJ would answer him. Then, very softly, AJ said “This.”

What came next was not what Brian had been expecting. AJ reached down, cupping his face and bringing him up even as AJ leaned down to him. Before Brian even had time to blink, AJ’s lips were against his and Brian couldn’t even think anymore. It was everything he could have ever wanted and more. AJ’s lips were warm and soft against his. Lights exploded behind Brian’s eyes as they slid closed. He gave himself over to the feelings, and damn the consequences. He moved his hands from the pools edge to grab on to AJ’s hips.

AJ pulled back only to lean in again, tasting and teasing and savoring. Apparently he leaned in too far because the next thing they knew AJ was sliding down into the water, his arms automatically coming to wrap around Brian’s shoulders as they both went under.

When they surfaced they were still clinging to one another. Somewhere in their dunk AJ had lost his sunglasses. His hair, blue that day, was lying plastered to his head. But it was his eyes that held Brian captive. There was so much emotion packed into them. Nerves were the most prominent, but underneath it was something that tugged at Brian’s heart. It was a reflection of what he felt deep inside of himself. Love, maybe? “Alex?”

“I’ve wanted to do that for a long time, Brian. I’ve just been terrified to do it. But then I decided tonight that I couldn’t keep it to myself anymore. I couldn’t just go through life wondering what might have been. I had to try. I care about you, more than I ever have anyone else. I think I love you. I’ve never been in love before, so I don’t know, but it sure feels like it to me. I almost didn’t say anything to you, but tonight when you sang Spanish Eyes and you looked at me I thought that maybe you felt the same way and I …”

Warmth built inside of Brian as he listened to AJ babble on and on nervously. Then he did the only thing he could. He kissed him, effectively shutting him up. This time when he pulled back and looked at AJ’s eyes the nerves were gone. “I feel the same way, AJ. I’ve liked you for so long. But I think I fell really in love with you that day you beat those guys up for Nick.”

AJ’s grin grew wider. He threw himself at Brian, kissing him and dunking them yet again. This time when they surfaced they were both laughing. “Why didn’t you ever say anything?” AJ asked him with a grin.

“Same reason you never did, probably. I was scared of what you’d say.”

“Hell, I was fucking terrified you would flip on me for being gay. I never knew you felt the same way!”

At that moment Brian noticed that AJ was having a hard time treading water. The jeans he was wearing had turned heavy and were weighing him down slightly. “Having trouble there?” he teased, purposely brushing his knee against AJ’s jeans to show him what he was talking about.

A light came on in AJ’s eyes. With one hand he reached down and undid the front of his jeans, sliding them off and then pulling them up with a hand to throw to the side of the pool. “You look like you’re having trouble, too.”

“Huh?” Brian asked in confusion.

The hand that had just thrown his jeans now came back down underwater, taking hold of Brian’s hip to put them together until arousal pressed against arousal, making them gasp. “Same trouble I’ve been having lately.”

Impishness lit Brian’s face. “Well, what’re you gonna do about it?”

He heard AJ’s sharp hiss and then their lips were pressed together again in a kiss that had Brian’s brain exploding.

~~~end flashback~~~

Smiling to himself, Brian stared down at the pages of his book again, lost in pleasant memories. From that day forward they had been secretly inseparable. Secretly, because neither of them wanted to tell anyone yet. First they wanted to see where they would go, and if it would work between them. Then there was the fear of how others would react, both friends and family.

For now they were together, and they loved one another, and they managed to steal time together. Granted, most of it had been while on break and now that they were back on tour it would be so much more difficult. But they were determined to make it work.

~~~~~~~~~~~

AJ snuggled further into the couch cushion as the movie on the screen kept playing. Not that he was paying any attention to it. How the hell could he concentrate on anything when Brian was sitting there reading his book with that silly little smile on his face? Made a man want to go over and kiss those curved lips.

But Howie was sitting right there and that would kind of blow their whole ‘secret’ cover. Wouldn’t be very secretive if they were kissing in front of everyone. Now, if Howie was lying down like Nick and Kevin, then AJ probably would have chanced it. He liked to do things like that when there was a risk of getting caught. Surprisingly, so did Brian.

This would be an interesting tour if they all shared this stupid bus the entire time. It would make it difficult for him to find alone time with Brian. He could only cross his fingers that he would get a room pairing with Brian. Maybe if he didn’t he could think of something to convince whoever he got stuck with to switch.

God, how he loved that man! It was an amazing feeling. AJ remembered, clearly, the first time that he had ever realized that what he felt for Brian wasn’t just simple lust. When he took that leap from want and need to love.

~~~flashback~~~

Music echoed around the stage. They had just finished performing “Get Down” and the crowd was hyped. Next on the set list was a song that AJ loved. Spanish Eyes. The music ran through the arena and Howie sang his opening lines before everyone joined in for the chorus. As usual, under cover of his sunglasses, AJ found himself watching Brian.

He loved watching Brian sing. The way he closed his eyes as he got into whatever he was singing. The sweat that beaded on his brow from the blazing lights. Hell, if he was honest, he liked watching Brian no matter what.

Nick sang the next verse. Kids voice was getting better and better all the time. Closest in age, AJ had bonded with Nick early on. Ever since that day that he’d beat up those two fuckers for insulting his friend, they’d become even closer. Maybe they didn’t hang out all the time like he and Brian did, but they still had a good friendship.

It got to the part of the song that AJ sang on his own and he cut his thoughts off, pouring his heart into the words. The way the seats were set up that they sat on gave him a good view of Brian. As AJ finished his notes he locked eyes with Brian, watched as he brought his mike up to sing the next lines. Something about the way he looked had AJ’s heart thudding.

“It’s a place I’ve never been and it comes from deep within and it’s telling me that I’m about to win first prize. Knowing all I have to do is reach out my hand to you any time I want to look into your Spanish eyes.”

God, it was almost as if Brian was singing it right to him. As if his words were intended for him and him alone. But Brian wasn’t interested in him. He was straight, right? Or could he be wrong about that? All of this played in his mind as the show went on, performing being as easy as breathing for him and not taking much concentration.

For so long now he’d wanted Brian and lusted after him. But the look that Brian gave him, the way he had seemed so angelic in all those lights that shone down on them, had made AJ’s heart twist inside his chest. He couldn’t deny things to himself anymore. He loved Brian Littrell. Had loved him for a long time. The question now was, what was he going to do about it? That thought stayed in his mind for the rest of the show and the entire evening.

So that night at the hotel he had gone and knocked on Brian and Nick’s door, intent on kicking Nick out and saying his piece to Brian. He had to tell him how he felt. Had to know if there was a chance in hell with him. But when he knocked, Nick told him that Brian had gone up to the pool. Almost, he backed out. But he’d straightened his spine and thanked Nick and set out to the pool. He was going to find Brian, and he was going to finally tell him how he felt, no matter how things ended up.

~~~end flashback~~~

The driver’s voice pulled AJ out of his thoughts and back to the present moment. “Pit stop!” he called out as he pulled the bus into the Wal-Mart parking lot. Grinning, AJ hopped up with everyone else. No one ever missed a pit stop. As they all scrambled off the tour bus, AJ caught Brian’s eye and flashed him a wide grin.

Once he was sure no one was looking, Brian grinned back and wiggled his eyebrows. The two were chuckling as they headed into the store. Yeah, it was going to be a long tour, but it could sure prove to be a lot of fun if things worked out right.

NEXT PART

Once they were back on the bus after their pit stop everyone was wide awake. That meant that there was no chance that Brian would be able to corner AJ somewhere and steal a kiss from his sweet lips. So he satisfied himself with picking on Nick for a short while. He climbed into Nick’s bunk with him, the second one off the floor, and left his legs dangling. “Hey, Frack!” He giggled and laid his head back over top of Nick’s Gameboy.

“Damn, Frick!” Nick swore. He yanked his Gameboy out, glaring for a minute before swearing again and tossing it down. “It took me fucking forever to get to that level!”

“Language, Carter!” Kevin shouted from the front room of the bus.

As expected, Nick made a face toward the front of the bus but wasn’t dumb enough to actually shout anything back to Kevin. None of them were, really, except for AJ. That man backed down from no one if he didn’t want to.

“Yeah, Nick-o, watch your language.” Brian told him in a fatherly sounding voice. Nick’s response was to shove him. Brian grinned and reached around Nick to get into the candy stash he kept under his pillow. After grabbing a sucker he unwrapped it and stuck it in his mouth before picking up Nick’s Gameboy. “What level’s kicking your ass, oh young one?”

“Shut up. I didn’t say it was kicking my ass. It’s just taking me a while, and I can do it myself!”

Just for the sheer joy of irritating Nick, he started playing the game and busting through the level he was on. For a moment Nick watched. Then he started to grumble. “Give that back! I don’t want you to do it for me, Frick. Come on, give it back.”

“Nuh uh!” Brian stretched sideways, keeping the Gameboy out of Nick’s reach as he chuckled and kept playing. Nick squirmed around in the bunk to better be able to try and steal it back. Brian used his elbow and shoulder to try and keep Nick back away from it. Instead of just trying to take it, Nick started to tickle him, making Brian laugh and squirm.

“Give it to me, Rok!”

“Never!” Brian yelled in a goofy voice.

Squirming from Nick’s tickling, Brian kicked his legs out. He’d had no idea that anyone was coming down the hallway until his legs connected with someone’s stomach. There was a grunt as they impacted and then Brian was sliding out of the bunk, down to the ground with whoever he’d hit. Nick took advantage of the moment to reach down and nab his Gameboy out of Brian’s hands. The legs that were tangled with Brian’s moved and in that single charged instant Brian knew who it was. No one else caused that kind of instantaneous physical reaction in him but for one person. AJ.

Laughter sounded from Nick’s bunk as AJ flipped around, lightening quick, and sat on Brian’s waist so that he was pinned on his back on the ground. Without preamble he started to tickle Brian’s sides. Brian was laughing and squirming, trying to find a way to get free. He finally managed to grab AJ’s wrists and roll them around so that AJ was pinned. There was a sparkle in AJ’s eyes in the quick second that his sunglasses moved enough for Brian to see them.

Chuckles tickled the back of Brian’s throat. Damn the freak. He was doing this on purpose! Part of Brian knew they had to be careful or everyone was going to see their physical reaction to this simple ‘playing’. But the other part of him didn’t care. It felt good to wrestle and laugh with AJ.

Before Brian could think of how to retaliate, Nick was stretching down from his bunk to jump on Brian’s back. It quickly turned into a three way wrestling match that took them in both floor bunks as well as in the small hallway space.

“Enough!” Kevin’s deep voice shouted to them. He waded in without hesitation and grabbed the first collar he could reach, Nick’s, and yanked him off before dumping him on the empty ground. Next came AJ. Then he crossed his arms over his chest and glared down at them.

Flushed from laughter and more turned on by wrestling with AJ than he wanted the others to know, Brian leaned back against the wall and curled his knees up to hide his obvious state of arousal. That would go over really well if Kevin happened to see the tent he was pitching. A sideways glance revealed AJ was having similar problems. He’d drawn his legs up too and was laying his hands in his lap. At some point his sunglasses had slipped down his nose so that now Brian could look right into his eyes. The look AJ gave him back was both amused and aroused.

“What the hell do the three of you think you’re doing back here?” Kevin barked at them. Knowing his cousin well, Brian could see the slight twinkle in Kevin’s eyes that said he was more amused than annoyed by all of this. He often played ‘daddy’ to them all, to the extent that the others thought him a hardass sometimes. But Brian knew better. He knew that Kevin more often than not waited until they weren’t around and then laughed, not wanting to encourage them all.

Flashing his famous Littrell smile, Brian winked up at Kevin. “They tickled me.” He said, as if that explained it all.

“He stole my Gameboy and wouldn’t give it back!” Nick whined.

Brian elbowed him and pretended to glare. “I was just trying to help you! But then you started tickling me!”

“Hey!” AJ stuck in. “I was just walking down the hallway and country boy here decided to kick me in the gut! I was an innocent bystander!”

“Innocent bystander my ass! You pinned me down and tickled me too!”

“Well, you knocked me over! It was Nick who jumped down on us and made it a wrestling match!”

“I didn’t jump” Nick lied through his teeth, pretending indignation. “I fell out of the bunk from laughing at you two lunatics!”

The banter would have gone on but Kevin chose then to roar at them again. “Quiet!” When he had all their attention he gave them each a stern glare. “You three will get to the front of the bus so we can discuss the show and the hotel reservations. I want you three to sit there and be good or by God I’ll be the daddy you all accuse me of and take each and every one of you over my knee!”

The three pretended horror and scrambled, tripping one another and tumbling in their effort to run away from Kevin. From his seat up front Howie was smothering laughter and when Brian sat down in a booth and looked back at Kevin he saw the flash of a smile and the humor in his cousin’s eyes. Oh yeah, Kevin was more relaxed than any of them knew. He just felt that, as the oldest, he had to be responsible for them.

Nick plopped down next to Howie on the couch, and AJ threw himself into the booth beside Brian. That left the other couch for Kevin to sit on.

When Kevin pulled out his papers and started to look at them, AJ let his hand drift under the table and squeeze Brian’s thigh lightly. Not expecting it, Brian almost made a sound, just barely managing to catch himself. He slanted a glance at AJ. His lover was staring at Kevin as if he was paying total attention to the older man as he started to tell them about the show the next night, but the corner of his mouth twitched.

Well, two could play at that game. Brian shifted slightly and let his hand slide between them, just enough that he could drop it down by AJ’s ass and give a slight pinch. It satisfied him to watch his lover jump just a little. They played these kinds of games out in public often enough, the risk of getting caught a slight thrill for the two of them.

After they’d let one another know about how they felt they had started to explore things, sneaking kisses and touches here and there. But there’d only been a week left of the tour, so when it had come time for them to come home, AJ had invited Brian to his place. That had been mid-March of 2000. It was now January of 2001. They would be coming up on their one year anniversary in two months. But this was going to be the first, full blown tour they would be on that they were a couple. How they were going to do it was going to be interesting, since they had trouble keeping their hands off one another.

The way the booth they were in was set up wasn’t a typical booth. There was only one side with a bench. The other was a wall that separated the booth from the couch that Nick and Howie were on. It gave them a little shelter from prying eyes, which was a plus because AJ slid his hand up higher under the table, palming the growing erection that Brian had building. It took everything he had not to moan and push against AJ’s hand. The little bastard.

There was a small notepad on the tabletop as well as a pen. They usually kept those there for if someone got inspired as they were sitting, or if they wanted to write a letter to home. Abandoning playing with AJ’s ass, Brian reached up and picked up the pen, trying to keep his eyes on Kevin as he scribbled a quick note to AJ. When he was done he shoved it at him, hidden by the little wall so none of the others could see what they were doing. Kevin was still droning on about their costumes that night, and what time they had to be at the arena. Brian couldn’t focus on any of it.

_If you don’t knock it off I’m going to find somewhere to take you and you are going to pay for this_

A smirk slid over AJ’s lips for just a moment when he read the note. His hand started to rub slightly even as he picked up the pen with his left hand and wrote his reply. Surprisingly, for being a righty, AJ’s left hand writing was legible.

_Promises, promises_

_Get your mind out of the gutter!_

_I can’t help it. That’s just the effect you have on me_

Brian snorted at that one. He shifted his hips, wishing AJ would stop what he was doing but not having the willpower to make him stop. All he had to do was put a hand under the table and he could stop him. Yet somehow he found himself simply writing back and letting him continue to rub. It felt so good that he was fighting to hold in his moans.

_You’re going to make me embarrass myself in front of our friends._

_Now baby, would I do that?_

_YES_

_Would you rather I just left you the way you are? Be interesting to walk into the hotel that way. Don’t know, might not even get a room together and then you’d just be left with this … problem_

_I’m going to kill you. I’ll be stuck with this problem either way you ass_

_When Kevin gets done blabbing I’ll go back to the bathroom. Meet me back there an I promise I’ll make it worth your while_.

Brian looked up at AJ’s face and saw the smile that was sitting there, full of promises. God, it sounded so good! But on this small bus, with all the others there, was a risky bid. Even as he debated he knew what he would do. There was no way he was going to let AJ get away with getting him this horny.

“Are you two listening to me?” Kevin snapped.

Both men looked at him and nodded, smiling innocently. Brian saw AJ’s hand discreetly folding their note and palming it so no one would see it.

“What did I say then?”

Brian was at a loss, totally not having heard what he said, but AJ gave him a wide grin as he answered. “You were lecturing us about wake up times again, daddy Kev. I promise I won’t oversleep much this tour. I’m getting better about waking up earlier.”

“I’ll believe that one when I see it.” Rolling his eyes, Kevin consulted his sheet again. “Ok, we’re almost there, so hotel room accommodations.  D, you get the single this time. I’ll share with Nick. AJ an Bri, you two have a room together. Now remember, we’ll be here for four days, so are you guys ok with those rooms for that many nights?”

Everyone agreed that they were. Brian worked to restrain his wide grin. Four nights with AJ? As if he would complain about that! Hell, imagine them getting roomed together on their first hotel! The look on AJ’s face said he shared the sentiment.

It was Nick who made a small whining sound. “When they gonna loosen up enough to give us our own rooms? It’s only two extra than what they’re paying now.”

“I know, kid. But this is what management booked, so this is what we get. We’ll all rotate getting the single as we travel. Also, after we leave here, we get another bus so we’ll have to figure out how we want that to work.”

“We could stick the young ones on here.” Howie joked, jerking his thumbs toward Nick and AJ.

Kevin laughed and rolled his eyes again. “Good God, D. We’d be short a bus and at least one member by the time we got to the next place!”

“Hey!” Nick and AJ exclaimed at the same time. AJ pretended to pout. “We wouldn’t destroy the bus.”

Just then the noise outside the bus started up. None of them had realized how close to the hotel they were. Under the blast of screams Brian let out a small sigh when AJ pulled his hand away. Now he had one hell of a hard on, and he had to figure out a way to get from here to the hotel room without drawing notice to it.

As everyone started to get up and get their stuff, Brian shot AJ a glare. “You’re a bastard.” He whispered.

AJ grinned and patted his hand on the table. As he stood up he leaned in a little to whisper in Brian’s ear. “I’ll get your stuff together baby. You sit here an try to control you’re little problem. I promise you when we get in our room I’ll take very good care of it for you.”

The urge to chuckle tickled at Brian’s throat. He held it in and turned to look out the window. As he watched them slowly converge on the crowd of fans he tried to force himself to think of something, anything, that might help make it a little easier for him to walk in public.

NEXT PART

It was interesting to watch Brian try to walk into the hotel. Somehow they got past all the fans after only signing a few autographs. Then they were inside and Kevin was checking them in before handing out room keys. The entire time they waited Brian stood with his duffel bag held discreetly in front of him. The sight had AJ smirking to himself.

The evil look Brian shot him as they stepped into the elevator had AJ chuckling. He got a funny look from Howie for that but he shook his head and his friend backed off.

Everyone was tired already so when they hit their floor it didn’t take long for them all to separate to their own rooms. With everyone gone to their own rooms, Brian wasted no time in grabbing AJ’s arm and yanking him inside of their room. He kicked the door shut behind him and dropped his bag before stepping into the hall where AJ was waiting for him. He walked right up to his lover, for a moment unable to find words. They were alone in the hotel room and Brian knew exactly what he wanted to do.

AJ cracked a smile, a quick flash of teeth before he leaned forward and captured Brian's lips in a heated kiss. He parted his lips and took Brian's bottom lip between his own, giving it a hard suck before sliding his tongue into his mouth. Brian's tongue greeted his passionately, which made him moan into their kiss.  Brian grabbed hold of AJ's shirt and pulled him close, deepening their kiss. He could feel his erection pressing against the crotch of his jeans, making him moan again, and he knew that he had to get out of them soon.

"AJ" Brian mumbled into AJ's mouth. There was so much more he wanted to say, to beg for, but the state of arousal he was in, that he had been in, seemed to be melting away his ability for speech.

Teasingly, AJ broke their kiss and licked his lips. He’d purposely teased Brian, hoping at best for some quick sex somewhere. But since they were sharing a room he knew he’d be able to get what he wanted, as much as he wanted. He touched both hands to Brian's chest and ran them slowly down to his hips. Knowing how horny he had Brian already made it more fun to be slow and teasing. Brian was having none of it.

"I want you, AJ." Brian whispered hungrily. The passion in his eyes was blazing brightly. He could feel AJ's cock against his own, just as hard as he was. He wanted to stop playing, but he also knew that when AJ got in this mood there was no stopping him.

Without speaking, AJ leaned forward for another kiss. This time it was anything but gentle. Brian moaned against his mouth and moved his hands to the front of AJ’s shirt, unfastening it button by button until he could slip it off his shoulders. Impatiently he pushed it off, letting it drop to the floor. AJ pulled away from the kiss once again, enjoying the low growl that Brian gave him. God, he loved it when Brian was like this. Loved getting him to that hot and horny point where he forgot all about being nice and just let his passion rule him. He flashed him the grin that Brian loved so much and slowly peeled his wife beater off his body. It joined his over shirt on the floor.

Brian couldn't take his eyes off of AJ’s tight stomach and chest. He couldn’t keep the grin off his face as he let his gaze travel from head to toe. God, but AJ was delicious look. Brian stepped back and unfastened his own pants, letting them drop down to his ankles. As he stepped out of them he watched as AJ did the same thing.

"You enjoy teasing me?" Brian asked him in a voice gone husky with passion.

"Hell yeah." AJ answer was quick and blunt.

"I think you do this just so I’ll get a little rough with you." The humor in Brian’s voice mixed with the desire had AJ shivering. Oh yeah, his partner knew him well. Even though it’d only been a day since they’d had sex he felt as if it’d been forever. There was nothing he wanted more than to have Brian lose control and have that little rough side of him come out. He didn’t answer Brian’s comment, simply let his smirk grow.

Brian stepped forward, an evil gleam in his eyes that had AJ shivering again. When skin touched skin Brian still kept walking, backing him toward the wall. AJ couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think beyond those beautiful blue eyes that seemed to be on fire. No one had ever looked at him quite the way that Brian did.

When he had AJ backed against the wall Brian finally leaned in, biting at AJ’s earlobe. “Is that what you want, Alex?” he whispered against his ear. “You looking to get it a little rough tonight?”

The feel of Brian’s mouth on his ear, and then his breath blowing across the wet spot his mouth had left behind took all words from AJ’s mouth. He couldn’t answer, could only moan lightly and arch against his lover’s body. A quick thrill ran through him when Brian suddenly grabbed his hips and spun him around to face the wall. Automatically AJ braced his hands against the wall, turning his head so his cheek rested there.

"Is it?" Brian growled to him, his hands coming down to squeeze AJ’s ass. He couldn’t help but push his hips back against the sensation. It always turned him on when Brian took charge, and when he talked dirty to him.

"Oh god" AJ shivered. "Yes, Bri. Yes!"

"Good."

Brian kissed AJ's shoulder, nipping and licking his way up to AJ’s neck, an area he knew turned the younger man on to no end. He couldn’t resist from sucking lightly, even knowing it would leave a small love mark there. AJ jumped slightly as Brian bit the skin, then soothed it with his tongue. He felt himself growing harder, if that was possible. Then Brian’s fingers were at his entrance, covered in that cool slickness that was always such a shock, and they started to slide into him, preparing his body for what was to come. A low groan slid from AJ. "Brian" Begging shamelessly, he pushed his hips back. He needed to feel Brian inside of him. “I need you now, God, right fucking now. Quit teasing me.”

"Oh you mean like you were teasing me?"

“Fuck, Bri, fuck me.” He abandoned all pride and rolled his hips in an effort to entice Brian into giving him what he wanted. What he needed. In response Brian’s fingers slipped free and then he was pressing right at his entrance, pushing just his head in. "Oh my god" AJ gasped. He tried to push himself back but Brian held his hips in place. "Fuck, please, more!"

"Begging already?" Brian smirked as he tried to fight to keep himself still. "What do you want?" He pulled back and pushed in again, just barely letting himself slide inside.

AJ could barely take the torture. "Jesus fuck just fuck me, now!"

"You asked for it." It was all the warning that Brian gave him. Then his fingers were gripping AJ’s hips and he rammed his cock deep inside him all at once. The both of them gasped and then moaned. AJ shifted his feet, getting better braced, his hips already trying to move. “God, Bri, don’t just fucking stand there! Move!”

"You feel so fucking good." Brian moaned. He kept a tight grip on AJ’s hips and gave him what he wanted. What they both wanted. The pace he set was hard and fast, smacking AJ against the wall with the force of his thrusts. AJ had to bite his lip to keep from screaming out his passion. His body rocked back into Brian’s just as rough, just as needy.

Neither of them could speak anymore. They rode the wave of passion as it rose higher and higher. Between the feeling of Brian reaming his ass and his cock sliding against the wall over and over AJ knew he wasn’t going to last long. He could tell by the force of Brian’s thrusts that he was close, too.

Purposely AJ clenched and unclenched his body, wanting to bring Brian to that final peak with him. AJ felt his orgasm coming and balled his hands into fists against the wall in an effort to keep his moaning down and to hold in the scream that was building. Then Brian leaned down and bit the back of his shoulder right as his cock tapped AJ’s prostate and he was lost. His orgasm hit him like a fist almost at the same time that Brian started to convulse and gasp behind him.

If it wasn’t for Brian’s hand suddenly coming up and covering AJ’s mouth tightly he would have screamed his passion for everyone to hear. As it was he had to bite down slightly on Brian’s finger to keep it inside as he shot his load against the wall.

Neither one of them could stay upright when they were done. Weakly they collapsed to the floor and laid there, wrapped in each other’s arms. It was a while before they could speak. Brian was the first one to regain both his voice and movement. He looked around the hotel room and then started chuckling. “Fuck, we didn’t even make it halfway in the room, Age.”

The two men looked around and then started to laugh. “If the others knew what kind of a freak you were, Rok, it would amaze them.” AJ told him happily. “Taking me against the wall like an animal.”

“Rawr.” Brian made a hand like a claw and swatted it at AJ, making the both of them laugh again. “They wouldn’t believe you, anyways. I’m the good boy of the group.”

“Good boy! Shit.”

AJ was starting to climb to his feet and had to laugh when Brian smacked his ass in return for that comment. Once he was standing he looked down at his flushed, very satisfied lover. “You are good, I’ve got to give you credit for that.” He teased with a wink.

Sitting up, Brian’s eyes seemed to focus on something. Following his gaze, AJ noticed the bruises forming on his hips. He couldn’t help smirking at that. God, he loved that he could get Brian to lose control that way. It was so exciting and at the same time it was a boost for his ego. To think that Brian, beautiful Brian, found him that attractive. It amazed him.

“You’ll be a little tender round the waist for a while.” After seeing AJ smile at the bruises, Brian had visibly relaxed.

“Yeah, in other places too. Trust me, well worth it.”

That said, AJ moved to one of the beds and flopped down in it. He started to move around, rucking the blankets up and making it look all kinds of messed up. Curious, Brian climbed to his feet and stared at him. “What’re you doing, Alexander?”

“Mussing up my bed so it looks like I slept in it.”

The logic of that had Brian nodding. But he couldn’t resist teasing him. “Who said you were sleeping with me? You have cold feet, you know!”

“Well how the hell else will I keep them warm? I’ve got to sleep with you.” AJ propped himself up on his elbows to grin at his boyfriend. “You don’t want to be responsible for my feet falling off from frostbite!”

“God forbid!” The laughter inside of Brian finally bubbled out. “I guess I’ll have to get you thick woolen socks for the nights I’m not there.”

That put an instant damper on the mood. AJ felt it hit him all at once exactly how little they were going to be able to be around one another the way they had grown used to. Yet again he found himself thinking that it would be so much easier if they just told everyone about them. The idea of spending the next year sneaking around was not an appealing one.

What he felt must have showed on his face because Brian quickly crossed the room to come and sit down with him. He grabbed AJ’s hands and laced their fingers together. “I know it seems so hard, Alex. But we can do this. We shouldn’t have to be rushed into telling them our business. When and what we say is our choice. Until then I know that we can make this work.”

“It’s just, it’s hard, Bri. I want to just _be_ with you.” AJ looked down at their joined hands. He tried to keep himself from sounding like he was whining. “I’ve had you to myself for months now. I’ve gotten used to touching you when I want to, and flirting with you. To sitting around doing nothing and just having your arms around me. We won’t be able to do that now.”

“I know, baby, I know. It was hard for me not to just lean over and kiss you while Kevin was talking with us, or when we were wrestling. I’ve gotten used to having to you myself too.”

“I know we talked about this, but I guess I just didn’t realize it all until now.” Slightly embarrassed, AJ looked off to the side. He could feel tears building in his eyes. Jesus, first night on tour and he was already whining like a baby! Snap out of it, he told himself.

Brian’s warm hand let go of his, moving to cup his cheek. Gently he turned AJ until their eyes met. At the sight of the tears swimming in AJ’s eyes, Brian leaned in and kissed him softly, gently. “We can do this. We’ve got it all planned out, baby. It’s not forever. Remember?”

They had built a plan together. First they were going to tell his mom because they both agreed she would probably be the easiest. She loved AJ with all of her heart and had never turned her back on him for any reason before. After that they would tell Brian’s family. Next would come the band. From there they would decide when they would ever want to tell the fans.

“Yeah.” AJ’s voice was soft. He sniffled slightly. “Would you just, well, lay with me for a while?”

A smile curved Brian’s lips. The look he wore was so full of love that it went straight to AJ’s heart. He felt his own smile build when Brian stood and swept him into his arms. Anyone else might have been surprised to see that AJ not only allowed it, but laid his head on Brian’s shoulder and snuggled in. The tears alone would have surprised them already.

But around Brian he didn’t have to be constantly tough. Oh, he generally was, as it was really part of his personality. But he didn’t have to if he didn’t want to. He was free to be soft, to be romantic or sentimental or upset. Brian was always there for him, just as he was always there for Brian.

With a gentle touch Brian lay AJ down before climbing in beside him. He leaned in and kissed the back of AJ’s neck as he wrapped AJ up in his arms. “I love you, Alex.”

“I love you, Bri.”

NEXT PART

“You’re such a queen.” AJ flashed a grin at Brian, teasing him with their old joke. He stretched his body out on the bed and let his eyes travel over Brian’s body, enjoying the view.

As always, Brian pretended to look shocked. “Me? A queen? I think you’ve got it backward.”

“Oh, whatever, Bri. You’re the little domestic goddess over there.”

It took everything Brian had not to laugh. There was no arguing that point as he was standing there folding up their clothes to stick into the suitcase.  It had been an idyllic few days in Florida, but now they were moving on to the next stop in the tour. “I still say you’re the queen. I don’t know how no one’s figured out yet that you’re gay!”

“Excuse me?” AJ sat up straighter on the bed to give Brian a glare. The corners of his mouth twitched with repressed laughter.

“You heard me. I mean, come on, Alex. You have more clothes than any woman I know…”

“Does not make me gay!” AJ interjected.

Brian kept talking as if AJ hadn’t said anything. “You have hundreds of pairs of shoes…”

“I like to walk comfortable!”

“You take forever to get ready to go anywhere important…”

“So, shoot me for wanting to look nice!”

A small giggle escaped past Brian’s lips as he put the last item in the suitcase. He turned toward AJ to give him the last comeback he had. “What about your solo?”

Confusion settled on AJ’s face. “My solo?” he asked curiously. The honest confusion had Brian smirking again. “Yes, Mr. Echo, your solo. I mean, come on, you never actually say you’re talking about a chick in there. An really, can you ‘get all inside me, and I can get all inside you too’ with a girl? I don’t think so.”

AJ’s mouth dropped open. He stared off into space at a total loss for words. “Holy shit.” He finally said. “I never thought of that.” The pure shock in his voice was enough to have Brian giggling.

Right as Brian would have crossed over to him and kissed him the hotel room door burst open. Nick came in, walking like he owned the place. “You two ready yet? Kev’s busting a bitch to get us out of here.” His eyes moved over to AJ. “What’s up with him?”

“I called him a queen.” Brian replied without thinking about it.

Nick’s mouth dropped open and he turned to glare at Brian. “You swore you’d never tell him that’s what we call him!”

The laughter that Brian had been holding in finally burst out of him when he watched AJ’s face transform from shock, to annoyance, and finally settling on something both amused and evil. “Oh, Nick, I didn’t tell him!” he gasped out as he sat on the edge of the other bed. “But you just did!”

For just a split second everything was still. Then Nick was spinning and dashing away and AJ was hot on his trail. Brian could hear them racing down the hallway and back up it. He gathered up his bags and AJ’s as well, laughing to himself over how many bags AJ had. Somehow he managed to get them all to the door, but once there he had to stop to laugh.

AJ was hot on Nick’s tail shouting curses and threatening him. Nick was laughing and shouting “Queenie, queenie!” over his shoulder.

“I swear to God, Nick, I’m gonna catch you and kick your fucking ass!” AJ took advantage of Nick’s laughter slowing him down and suddenly shot forward even faster. When he was close enough he jumped, landing on the younger man’s back. Looking like a monkey, AJ wrapped his legs around Nick’s waist to hold on tightly and put him in a headlock, his other hand coming up to rub his knuckles into the top of Nick’s head. “Tell everyone I’m not a queen!”

“You’re the biggest queen!” Nick laughed out. He was trying to pry AJ’s legs off and stumbling around the hall.

Looking over, Brian saw Kevin and Howie standing by their doors, bags over their arms, holding on to the doorframes they were laughing so hard.

“The hell I am! Tell them all I’m masculine!” AJ insisted. With a loud laugh Nick pushed backwards to the wall, thinking to pin AJ there. It just gave AJ more leverage to continue to mess up Nick’s hair, something they all knew he hated.

“Ah! J, knock it off! Damn it, leave my hair alone!”

“Tell them!”

“No!”

“Do it!”

“NO!”

“Do it now!” AJ put an evil accent on his words that made it come out sounding hilarious.

Laughing fit to burst and unable to get AJ’s legs to let go, Nick finally shouted out “AJ’s masculine!”

Smug now, AJ let go of Nick’s hair and used his shoulders to hop down. Just as he was walking back down toward his and Brian’s room everyone heard Nick mumble “A slightly masculine Queen.” Before AJ could even get all the way turned around Nick had darted into his room and slammed the door. Hands on his hips, AJ glared for a second before shouting “I will get you back, Carter! It’s on now!”

The general public assumed that it was Nick and Brian who were the only pranksters in the group. Truth was, AJ could get just as bad as the rest of the. Howie and Kevin, not so much. But if pushed, those two would join together and could blow everyone else out of the water.

Without thinking, AJ walked up and took his bags from Brian, still grumbling. Then he proceeded to take Brian’s bags as well, waving off his protests. It was such a natural moment for them that neither really thought anything of it. AJ always did things like that. He hoisted the duffle bags over his shoulders and took the others up in his hands.

It made Brian smile most of the time to see the way that AJ liked to pamper him. More often than he would admit to AJ, actually. He still put up token protests, but to himself he admitted that it made him feel good inside to know that AJ loved him so much.

But neither had realized how it looked until they were standing by the elevator with Howie and Kevin and the two were looking at them funny. “What?” Brian asked them self-consciously.

“Since when do you hire AJ to carry your bags?” Howie asked. His tone was curious. “You lose a bet or something like that, J?

Shit. Brian froze for a second, unsure of what to say. Thank God for AJ’s quick mind. “Don’t make me get into that story, D. It aint pretty.” He said this with such frustration in his tone that the two older members of the group started to laugh. To Brian’s surprise they fell for it, ribbing him the whole way down to the busses.

The bus arrangements had already been discussed and, as it stood, Kevin and Howie got the first bus while Nick, AJ, and Brian got the next. Not ideal for the lovebirds, but they had no logical reason to protest. Now, though, Brian bit his lip and wondered if the battle between Nick and AJ could work to his advantage. He felt a moment of shame, thinking of using his best friend like that, knowing that Nick would hate being stuck with Kevin and Howie on a bus for hours.

The decision was taken out of his hands, though, when they arrived in the parking garage. There, standing by one of the busses, was Denise, AJ’s mom.

AJ’s mouth dropped open in surprise for just a split second. Then he visibly gathered himself, dropped all the bags to the ground, and ran forward to scoop her up in his arms. Denise laughed as her son spun her in a circle before setting her on her feet.

“Ma! What’re you doing here?” AJ grinned at her and kissed both her cheeks.

Flushed with laughter and love, Denise grinned back at him. “Do I have to have a reason to see my baby boy now?”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it, Ma.” He teased her. The two wore identical smiles now. It was easy to see where AJ had got some of his charm and good looks. Definitely where he got his humor from. Denise was a crack up.

Watching them, Brian gathered up the bags that AJ dropped, intending on getting them to the bus before AJ realized he had them all. He should have known better. Right as he got close AJ stuck a hand out, never pausing in what he was saying to his mother, and started to take things from Brian’s hands. Denise raised an eyebrow at him. “Hello, Brian. You not feeling well?”

“I lost a bet.” AJ interjected. “An no, I don’t wanna talk about it, an no, I don’t need to give details. Suffice to say I’m slightly a slave right now.”

Brian’s heart swelled with love. AJ was going to take the part of pretending he was enslaved as a part of a bet just so no one would question the way he helped out Brian. To know that he was willing to make himself be the subject of laughter just so he could ‘take care of’ his baby, well, it made Brian feel like the most important person in the world.

“A bet? Baby, you’d think you’d learn!” Denise laughed. “Now, you’re sure you don’t mind? I thought I’d be so nice for us.”

Having missed part of the conversation, Brian was at a loss as to what was going on. He watched as AJ kissed his mother’s cheek again. “It’s fine, Ma. I’m always happy to see you, you know that. There’s some things I want to talk to you about anyways.” The look that AJ gave Brian over Denise’s shoulder was full of nerves, a slight amount of fear, and an apology. In that instant Brian understood.

They had agreed that the next time they could they would sit down and tell Denise about their relationship. She was going to be the first person to know the truth. Which meant that, from the sound of things, Denise would be on their bus with them.

In short order the others got on their busses, Nick now riding with Howie and Kevin, and they were getting ready to head down the road. While Denise set her bag in the back of the bus, Brian took hold of AJ’s arm. “Are you sure you want to do this?” he asked him quietly.

AJ bit his lip but nodded his head. “If I don’t do it now I won’t get the courage. Plus, I’m lucky she hasn’t seen something yet. She reads me way too well. We’re damn lucky she hasn’t figured it out on her own. The only reason she hasn’t, I think, is that we haven’t been around her.”

They’d discussed all this before, but Brian had just had to make sure. His own stomach was swirling with nerves as he looked down the bus. God, he hoped that this all went ok!

NEXT PART

AJ felt like one big basket full of nerves. Jesus, he was so not ready for this. So not ready. But what he’d told Brian was true. From the time he was a kid his mom had always been able to know when something was going on with him. “Mom senses” she called it. “My mom senses are tingling.” It had made him laugh when he was little. Now it was just creepy sometimes.

There was absolutely no way she’d be able to ride on the bus with them and _not_ notice something between them. Honestly, he was surprised she hadn’t said anything to him yet. But as Brian was tossing their bags in the bunks, Denise was sitting at the couches with AJ and drinking some water while catching him up on all the family stories.

Normally he would have listened avidly to what she had to say. He would have even been chatting back at her. But nerves were eating at him and he was focusing on not letting them show. That alone was stupid. He should have known better.

Denise cut off in mid-sentence to sit there and stare at him. It took everything AJ had not to gulp and start shifting in his seat. Jesus, this was his _mom_. What did he have to be afraid of? No matter what he’d done in his life she’d always been supportive of him an stood by his side. Why would this be any different? This was something that made him extremely happy! Still, behind his shades, he couldn’t help but sneak a glance at Brian just to reassure himself that his partner was still nearby.

All the while Denise sat watching him, wondering what was going on. She knew her son and knew him well. Around her at least he didn’t hide things half as well as he thought. Too many things gave him away. Like the way he was rubbing his shirt between his finger and thumb. Or how he had his legs crossed and one foot was jiggling. She just wished he’d take those stupid shades off so she could see his eyes better. That would tell her a lot.

After a few minutes she decided that she needed to be blunt. Blunt was usually best with her son. It kept him knocked off balance enough to answer. “Alexander, are you going to tell me what’s going on or am I going to have to sit here and let my imagination roll with it? I’ll start imagining you’re going to tell me that you’re dying of cancer, or that you’ve decided to quit the band, or getting married.”

A small smile quirked at the corners of AJ’s mouth. “Flair for the dramatic, Ma?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about and you’re avoiding answering me.” Her voice was pert and her eyes bright. Patiently she waited as AJ shifted again. It didn’t escape her notice that AJ’s head turned slightly toward Brian, or that once he did, Brian put down what he was doing and started to make his way to her. Now she started to worry. Whatever it was must have been serious if he wanted moral support. A thought occurred to her. “Alexander James Mclean, you didn’t get some girl pregnant did you?”

AJ’s mouth dropped open as he stared at his mother. “No!” he practically shouted. Slightly offended, he glared a little. “God, Ma, who do you think I am?”

“Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain to me, son.”

Oh, man, this was it. AJ shifted again, making room for Brian to sit beside him. They hadn’t discussed how they wanted to do this. Only that it would be done when the time came. So as AJ stared at his mother, a woman he loved with all his heart, he found himself at a loss for words. There was nothing he wanted more in that moment than to reach over and take a hold of Brian’s hand. Well, with what they were telling her, did it really matter if they sat there and held hands? In a few minutes what difference would it make? She’d know.

With that line of thought AJ finally allowed himself to do what he wanted. His hand slid away from his shirt and found Brian’s, lacing their fingers together and gripping tight. Just the feel of Brian’s hand against his gave him extra strength. Enough to bring his free hand up and take his sunglasses off so that he could look his mom straight in the eyes as he said the words that could change so much. “Ma, I’m gay.”

Silence filled the bus. Denise didn’t move. She barely seemed to blink. Her eyes just stayed on AJ, wide and shocked.

“Ma?” he asked hesitantly. This silence was getting to him. He had to know what was going on in her head. Fear was eating at his stomach like a virus. “Ma, did you hear me?”

The sudden transformation on her face was astonishing. She went from shocked to livid in a split second. “This isn’t a funny joke, Alexander. I don’t appreciate it at all.”

“Joke?” Biting his lip he gently shook his head. “I’m not joking. I…Brian and I are a couple. We, we love one another.”

“No!” Her sudden shout had AJ jumping back slightly in his seat. Fury practically rolled off of her as she stood up and glared down at her son with more rage than AJ had ever thought to see there. “I don’t believe it. This isn’t true! My son is not a queer!”

That last word took AJ’s fear and transformed it to temper as well. “I hate to break it to you, Ma, but your son is a ‘queer’, and he’s damn happy with this kind of a life!”

“I will not allow this! You were raised better than this kind of perversion, son, and all of this nonsense will stop right this minute!”

Dropping Brian’s hand, AJ shot to his feet. He couldn’t ever remember feeling more angry in his entire life. His mother was calling him names, saying what they had was wrong and a perversion? The one person that he had been so sure would be on their side, and here she was, yelling at him! “Perversion, Ma? How is it a perversion to love him? He makes me happy. Isn’t that what matters?”

“You are not a homosexual. I will not stand here and debate this with you. When we get to the pit stop I’m having that pervert put on the other bus and you and I are having a long talk.” She stomped toward the kitchen, folding her arms across her chest.

Despite Brian’s whispered plea to keep calm, AJ brushed past him to follow Denise. “I love you, Ma, but I won’t stand here and let you call him names. He’s not a pervert. He’s the man I love, and he’s staying right here on this bus with me.”

“Does anyone else know about this? The rest of the guys?” She spun to him again, her face still so angry. Inside, it broke AJ’s heart. He shook his head at her, mystified that she would be acting this way. Denise gave him a sharp nod. “Good. We can still keep it quiet then. This can be fixed.”

“There’s nothing to fix! Either you accept this about me, or you get over it.”

“This is not the time for you to start acting stubborn! I will not let you ruin your life, or throw away your career over something so stupid! That…that little _faggot_ over there isn’t worth all of this!”

“Stupid?” AJ’s voice suddenly went soft. “Faggot?”

Something on his face must have shown how close his temper was to snapping. Denise took a step back, staring into his eyes. “My God.” She breathed out. “You’re serious about this.”

But AJ was still stuck on what she had already said. One hand came up, wiping over his face as he tried to find the right words. Behind him Brian’s heart was breaking. Not for the insults towards him, though those hurt, but for the pain he knew AJ was feeling inside. AJ took a deep breath and looked at his mother, seeing her in a different light than he ever had before. “You stand there and call him a pervert and a faggot. Do you realize you’re calling your own son those names as well?”

She was shaking her head at him. “I know you. You’re not gay. You wouldn’t do those kinds of things.”

“Those kinds of things? You mean things like kissing him? Holding his hand? Sex? Cuddling on the couch to watch movies for the night? Or did you mean things like count on him? Respect him? Love him?”

“My son does not engage in homosexual activities!”

“Ma, we’ve been engaging in homosexual activities for almost a year now. I’m going to spend the rest of my life with him doing all these things you seem to think I won’t. I’ll hold his hand. I’ll kiss him. When I need a shoulder, his is the one I’ll go find. When I’m hurting, he’ll lift me up. When I laugh, he’ll laugh with me. I’ll go to sleep beside him, and wake up to his beautiful face. Every day that I have with him I will count myself blessed that he’s there.”

Denise made to talk, but AJ was on a roll. He wanted to make her understand, to make her see it from his point of view. To have her know how he really felt inside of his heart.

“Just listen to me, Ma. I know my heart. When he walks into the room, my heart flutters. When he smiles at me I find myself smiling back. When I’m crying, he makes it better. When he cries, all I want to do is find a way to take away the tears. When he holds my hand, I know I can face anything. When he touches me, it makes me shiver-”

His words were cut off when his mother gave him a resounding slap across his cheek. The bus went quiet but for the roar of the engine. Brian made to stand up, but without even looking back, AJ gestured at him to stay. His eyes were locked on Denise’s.

Denise took a deep breath, her eyes going hard and cold. “You aren’t my son.” She told him. Without another word she grabbed her bag and moved up by the driver, telling him to pull over and let her out. They were still in town enough that she could call a cab wherever she wanted to go.

When the bus pulled over to the curb, Denise took one last look at them. “If you insist on doing this, you are no longer my son.”

“So be it.”

With those final words, Denise stepped off the bus and out of their life. After a moment the bus doors closed and they were pulling back out onto the road. Once they were underway, Brian stood up, intending to come and comfort AJ. Right then he didn’t want comfort.

He held a hand up, wanting Brian to stay back, and moved off toward the back of the bus. Brian followed, not intending to leave him alone when he felt this way, but not knowing what to do for him.

AJ felt all of his anger and pain morphing together, filling him up until he thought he would scream with it. Not stopping to think, he spun and slammed his fist into the wall. In an instant Brian closed the distance between them, snapping the partition to the media room shut so that they were alone and then taking AJ into his arms.

Anyone else and AJ would have fought to get free. But this was Brian. The instant that Brian’s arms were around him, AJ felt his body start to melt. They sunk together to the floor as AJ curled into his lover. The tears came then, sliding in hot rivers down his cheeks. “It wasn’t supposed to be like that.” He managed to get out. “She was supposed to love me anyways.”

“I know, baby. God, I know.” Brian brought one hand up to stroke over AJ’s hair, hoping to soothe and knowing there was nothing he could really do. “I’m so sorry, Alex. So, so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault, and don’t be trying to take blame.” AJ mumbled against Brian’s chest. Being in his lovers arms was calming him, enough so that he was getting back some of his control, though he couldn’t stop the tears. “I don’t want you thinking any bad thoughts. I don’t regret anything about you and I, are we clear? I love you. Nothing she said, nothing anyone says, is going to change that.”

Brian tipped his head up to lightly drop a kiss on his lips. “I love you too, Alex. Nothing’s going to change that either.”

Taking a deep breath, AJ forced as much of his pain as possible to the side. “We have the bus all to ourselves, you know.” A semblance of his old smile had his lips curving.

The corners of Brian’s eyes crinkled with his smile. “Yes, we do.”

“You just gonna hold me then, or you want to take advantage of a good situation? Seeing as how we don’t share a room tonight, who knows when our next change will be.”

As AJ pushed Brian down on his back, Brian sighed and let go of their problems. He would deal with those later. Right now, AJ was in a mood, and Brian wasn’t dumb enough to pass up this kind of an opportunity. So instead of using words, he set about using their bodies to help each of them find the reassurance they needed.

NEXT PART

That night AJ had to share his room at the hotel with Howie. All and all, not a bad arrangement. It was good to see his friend again. But as he put his stuff away, AJ knew he couldn’t stand just sitting in the hotel room for the whole night. There was no way he could just spend the evening chatting with Howie, or watching movies.

What he really wanted was to go curl up somewhere with Brian and snuggle until the hurt started to fade, and then make love until the sun came up. Seeing as how that wasn’t an option, he would have to find something else to do. When Nick burst in and announced that they were hitting the clubs, it seemed like a perfect opportunity.

So out to the club they all went, the entire group of them, and spent the evening dancing and drinking and having a great time. AJ drank more than he should have, he knew that, but who cared if someone got a little drunk after the kind of day he’d had?

It worried Brian a little to watch AJ throw himself into the party so hard, and downing drinks left and right. But he, too, thought that AJ deserved something to help loosen up after the fight with his mother. Everyone had asked where Denise had gone, and all AJ would say was that they’d had a fight. Nothing more.

By the time they were ready to go home, AJ was good and drunk, as was Nick. Kevin had already gone home so that left Howie to carry Nick and Brian had a hold of AJ. Somehow they got the stumbling men into the hotel, chuckling as they dumped them in their beds and then went to their own rooms.

“See you in the morning, Rok.” Howie said as he passed by.

“Sweet dreams, D.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Somehow this started to become the pattern for the next two weeks. More and more often they hit the clubs and night, and somehow Brian found himself escorting a drunken AJ back to his room. They hadn’t been put in the same room since their first few nights on tour, so Brian hadn’t had the chance to confront AJ about the amount he was drinking yet. Every time they managed to steal a few moments together he didn’t want to waste it ranting about AJ’s drinking. But finally, after two weeks of it, he and AJ got the same room together.

Once the show was done, everyone was getting ready to go to the after party. Brian was determined to get his lover back to the hotel for some privacy. So, quiet as could be, he snuck down to the dressing room that AJ was using and let himself inside.

There was AJ, dressed down only to his boxers, and completely alone. Brian grinned and locked the door behind him before strolling over. Just as he got close, AJ turned to look. He didn’t hesitate in turning and opening his arms, taking Brian into them. “Hey there, sugar plum.” He rasped out.

“Sugar plum?” Brian chuckled. He snuggled close and just inhaled that scent that was pure AJ.

“Meh, I thought I’d give it a try. You never know. I’ll find one, one day.”

“Well keep trying, oh brilliant one.”

One of AJ’s hands slid down to pinch at Brian’s ass. “Did you come in here just to pick on me?” he asked, his voice a mock threat. A chuckle bubbled up in Brian’s throat. “Nope. Wanted to see if you were going out to the party, or if I could persuade you not to feel well and stay with me at the hotel.”

The look AJ gave him could have melted the paint off the walls. “Do you even have to ask?” he growled out. Without warning he grabbed Brian’s hips and yanked them close together so that Brian couldn’t mistake the hardness pressing against him. AJ leaned in, biting on Brian’s earlobe. “It’s been a week since I’ve been inside you, Brian Thomas Littrell. I mean to correct that tonight.”

All thoughts of a serious conversation drained from Brian’s brain. He could only focus on the heat of AJ’s body, and the reminder that AJ was wearing just his boxers. “God, J, I want you in me. It’s been hell not being able to touch you whenever I want.” His earlier worry came back, and Brian couldn’t rest reaching up to cup AJ’s face in his hands. “I’m worry about you lately.”

Closing his eyes, AJ rubbed his cheek against one of Brian’s hands. The gesture was sweet enough that it almost brought tears to Brian’s eyes.

“I know you have. I could see it on your face each time I go out.” The admission surprised Brian, though he knew it shouldn’t have. No matter what, AJ was always brutally honest with him. He was also a complete romantic, despite what others thought. His next sentence proved that. “It’s hell for me to not be able to curl up by you at night, or wake up to you in the morning. I miss the sex, but I miss the cuddling. Lately that’s all I feel like I need. Just being in your arms.”

“Oh, baby, that’s what I want too. More than anything.” He let go of AJ’s face to wrap his arms around him and pull them flush against one another. Who knew how long they would have before someone came looking for one of them. Right at the moment Brian knew that AJ needed that hug more than anything, and honestly, he needed it too.

“I know I’ve been drinking a lot. But I can’t just stay in my hotel room. I get to thinking about Ma, an missing you, and I start to go crazy. If I go out at least I’m distracted for a little while. Do you understand?”

When put that way, how could he judge him for it? Who could blame a man for wanting to forget his loneliness for a little while? “You know I’d stay back from the parties with you. I’m usually paired up in a room with Nick and he always goes. If you need me, you can come down and get me.”

AJ kissed the side of his neck. It was a tender gesture that brought the tears back to Brian’s eyes. He rubbed his hands over AJ’s back to try to soothe him. This was what he had been missing the past few days. This was what he needed. What the both of them needed, really. “I love you so much, Alex.”

“I love you too, Brian. You’re my world. Without you I don’t know what I’d do.” A small sniffle came from AJ. That sign of tears had Brian hugging him tighter. “It just hurts, you know? I tried calling her again.”

“Oh, baby. Did she answer this time?” His heart broke for what his love was going through. AJ had already tried to call Denise twice, wanting to talk to her and work things out. It was killing him to have his mother so angry at him that she was disowning him.

Another sniffle. This time Brian felt a tear hit his skin. He could have cheerfully gone to Denise’s house and given her a piece of his mind right then and there.

“It said the phone was disconnected or no longer in service.” AJ clenched his hands in Brian’s shirt. The pain he’d been trying to ignore, that he’d worked hard to drown for two weeks now, was rising up in him. But here, with Brian holding him tight, he was safe enough to feel it. To let it out and mourn over it. “She wasn’t supposed to do this to me. She’s the only family I have, Bri, an I’m losing her.”

Tears slid from Brian’s eyes silently. “She should have loved you for you, baby. It breaks my heart that she didn’t. I know it’s not the same and all, but…” He tipped his head, nuzzling against the side of AJ’s head. “…I’ll be your family for you. I’m not much, and I can’t replace your mom, but you’re not alone. I’ll always be with you.”

Those seemed to be the right words. AJ lifted his head to give Brian that look that always made his heart flutter. AJ was smiling so brightly it stretched up to his eyes. In those eyes was all the love in the world. Love that had never faltered or change, but was constant and bright like the sun or the stars. “It’s not the same, Bri. It’s so much better. An you are ‘much’ to me. You’re my everything. Don’t you know that? I’ll make it through all this because I have you, and that’s what matters. I just needed to be mopey for a bit.”

“Well, I’m always here for you to mope to.”

“I know. Another thing I love about you.”

Just when they would have kissed, someone tried to open AJ’s door. When they found it locked they started to bang on the door. AJ looked at Brian and there was a twinkle in his eyes that had Brian wanting to giggle. “Think we could ignore it?” AJ whispered.

“AJ! Dammit, I know you’re in there! Kev’s pissed cause the cars are ready to go an he can’t find Bri an you’re taking forever! Open the fucking door, dammit!” Nick’s voice sounded so frustrated that the two had to grin.

Quickly AJ grabbed his pants and yanked them on, followed by his shirt. Once he was dressed his gave his face a quick wipe with his hand, trying to hide the tears that were there. Brian did the same, but he knew it was useless. If he looked anything like AJ there would be no hiding it. AJ’s eyes had that red rimmed and puffy look that came from tears.

Only glaring slightly, AJ grabbed the door and yanked it open, one hand on his hip. “Could you be any louder, Carter?” he snapped out.

One look at AJ’s face had Nick changing his words. His face instantly looked concerned. “Are you ok, Age?” he asked gently. It was the kindness that did AJ in. He and Nick could pick on one another to no end, but they were close in their own way, and AJ didn’t have it in him to be deliberately mean to anyone, let alone someone like Nick that he considered his younger brother. “I’m fine, Nick my boy. Just talking about some things with Brian.”

That drew Nick’s attention over to where Brian was still standing. It was obvious when Nick saw that Brian had been crying too. He looked from one to the other and back again for a moment before deciding to speak. “Why don’t you guys go back to the hotel? I’ll tell Kev y’all don’t feel well.”

For just an instant Brian wondered if Nick knew something about their relationship. He panicked a little, thinking that they’d given themselves away. But Nick’s next words had him relaxing. Nick gave AJ a quick hug, whispering “I’m glad you’ll tell someone what’s going on. Whatever happened, don’t hold it in. Bri’s a great listener. He might be able to help.”

“Thanks, Nick.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Somehow the two of them got quietly back to the hotel. True to his word, Nick had spoken with Kevin. Apparently everyone was worried enough about whatever had happened between AJ and Denise, and the fact that AJ wouldn’t talk about it, that they all practically shoved the two down the hall they were so eager for AJ to talk to someone about it.

AJ couldn’t help chuckling as he strolled into the room. Behind him he heard Brian shut the door. “God, you’d think I was a basket case the way they’re pushing for us to come in here so we can talk!” he called out on his way to the bed. After kicking his shoes off he threw himself onto the bed with a lusty sigh. God, it felt good to lay down.

“Well, you’ve worried us lately, baby. With how trashed you are when you get back each night. Sometimes you don’t get back until hours after I do.”

The light note of censure in Brian’s tone had AJ’s spine stiffening. So what if he wanted a drink ever now and again? Wasn’t that what parties were about? “So I have a little fun. It’s not a crime, Bri.”

Brian walked right over and sat on the foot of the bed, crossing his bare feet underneath him. “No, it’s not. It just seems like you take it a little too far sometimes.”

“I’m twenty three. If I want to party and drink, I’m legal to do so. I’m not hurting anyone, or messing up shows or anything like that. So no one has anything to worry about. Hell, I’m not getting arrested or making an ass of myself. I just drink and dance.” Guilt tugged at AJ’s mind. He didn’t mention the coke he’d done the other night. It had been the first time, and just one line. It wasn’t like it was something he did all the time. One guy had had some and he’d offered to let him try it. The shit had made him feel good, that was for damn sure.

Brian was giving him a curious look with just a hint of hurt that made AJ feel even more like shit. He knew he’d snapped harder than he should have. Reaching a hand out, he grabbed a hold of Brian’s wrist and pulled. Almost reluctantly Brian moved, letting AJ pull him over top of his body until they were lying pressed together, AJ staring up into the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I shouldn’t snap at you like that.” He kissed Brian’s delicious mouth between words. “Forgive me?”

“Hmm.” Brian pretended to think about it for a minute. “Maybe. Maybe I won’t…” One of his hands came up, sliding under AJ’s shirt to tease at the skin there. “Maybe I will.”

Desire sprang back to life in AJ. Right then, all he wanted was the feel of his lover’s skin against his. “Is that so, huh?” With a huge grin AJ flipped them over and pinned Brian to the bed. AJ moved off the bed for a moment, surprising Brian at first, but then he started to remove his clothes and he saw lust darken Brian’s blue eyes. His lover sat up, doing the same until they were both naked. With a grin, AJ climbed back on to the bed and over his love.

“I’ve been wanting to do this for days.” AJ whispered, trailing his mouth down. He took one of Brian’s nipples into his mouth. He always enjoyed the way it would make Brian gasp and arch up off the bed. While he moved to Brian’s other nipple he brought his hand down, wrapping it around Brian’s length and starting the long, slow pulls that they were both familiar with.

He lifted his head, wanting to watch Brian’s face has he stroked him. It was one of his favorite things, to see Brian’s face as the pleasure grew inside of him. To watch as his love writhed and moaned and his eyes grew hazy with passion.

“Please, Alex…” Brian gasped out. His body was pushing up against AJ’s hand, wanting more. More pressure, more something. The begging in Brian’s voice turned him on more than he would have thought. AJ increased the pressure of his hand, eliciting a gasp from him. “Oh God.” Brian moaned. “Alex.” AJ’s name fell from his lips like a prayer. Jesus. No one else said Alex quite the way that Brian did. Add the lust to it, and it was damn near the most erotic sound ever. It had AJ growing harder, if that was even possible.

Just as Brian was starting to pant, AJ moved his hand. Brian’s legs had already spread in his effort to get more from AJ, so he was open and exposed. AJ sucked one finger into his mouth for a moment before bringing it down. He leaned in and kissed Brian, their tongues clashing with one another right as AJ pressed his finger into Brian’s puckered hole.

Still kissing him, AJ wiggled that finger around, adding another one and scissoring them to try and loosen him up. It had been a while for them and he didn’t want to hurt Brian. That wasn’t tonight’s game. They were both in a bit of a hurry, that need built up, but both knew that tonight was about sweetness.

After a moment he pulled his fingers out and adjusted his body. As AJ positioned himself at Brian’s hole, he gave him one final kiss. AJ braced himself on his arms and poured himself into the kiss. Gently he pushed forward into that warmth and those tight muscles that seemed to try to suck him in. Gasping into Brian’s mouth he kept pushing until he was buried. Their kiss broke, Brian’s head falling back into the pillows. He lifted his hips, angling them for a more comfortable position. It didn’t take him long to adjust.

Together they set an easy pace, bodies fusing together at their mouth as well. Hands ran everywhere, touching and feeling and rubbing. Neither one of them could hear their own panting. They heard nothing over the sound of the beating of their hearts.

“God, Alex.”  Brian ran his nails down AJ’s back, trying to let him know that he needed more. The pleasure was building but it wasn’t enough to finish yet and he felt like he was dying.

AJ kissed him again and picked up the tempo. He brought a hand to Brian’s cock, taking a hold and matching the movements to his thrusts. He could see in Brian’s face that he was getting close. So was he. To satisfy them both, AJ brought his mouth to Brian’s ear and bit down his earlobe.  As always it was the perfect thing to fling Brian over the edge.

Watching Brian’s face as he came, those bright eyes of his seemed to fill full of light, his beautiful mouth gasping open and the pleasure that filled his face was enough to send AJ over the edge, joining him with a deep moan of his own.

The two men lay in a tangled mass together. It was Brian who broke the silence by chuckling. “I think I need a shower.”

AJ couldn’t help but laugh. “Yeah, I probably do too.”

“Join me?”

Now, how on earth could he pass that up. Lightly he smacked Brian’s thigh and rolled off him. “Go get it going, I’ll get our jammies and shit.”

Brian stole a quick kiss on his way to the bathroom. Once the water started running, AJ gathered up their clothes and was getting ready to head in when his eyes went across the mini bar. For a second he just looked at it, thinking to himself. Then, quietly, he walked over and stole the single serve Jack Daniels that was in there. He drank down two, putting the empties back, before going to join his lover in the shower.

NEXT PART

For the next short while it did seem like AJ was trying to get better. Brian noticed that he didn’t stay as late at the parties, and one he even came down and knocked on the door while everyone was gone. That had been a wonderful night.

The both of them were getting frustrated by having to hide, yet they were both terrified that the groups reaction would be something like Denise’s had. Thinking about his mother’s reaction had AJ stressing, but he was trying to work through it. Trying to come out the other side without letting it bother him too much. With Brian’s help, he was succeeding. To show his lover how much he appreciated it, AJ worked hard to figure out something for Brian’s birthday.

It was sheer luck that they got to share their room that night. So while the others were heading downstairs to go to the group party that was planned, AJ took an extra minute to lay things out in the room. He set out candles, leaving them unlit, and tossed rose petals all over the bed. To anyone who looked in there it would look like he set it up for a night of sex, but they would never guess the one he’d have in there would be AJ.

Once he had those ready he ran from the room to catch up with everyone else. He was the last one to climb into the van so he was stuck sitting next to Howie. The two chatted on the way to the club they were taking Brian to.

It amazed AJ that the others had planned this out, taking Brian to the club and partying, for Brian’s birthday. Didn’t they know their friend at all? He’d tried to suggest other things to them, stuff that he might like, but they’d been insistent on this. AJ just shook his head. Brian hated clubs, really. They just weren’t his kind of thing. But for his friends he would tolerate it.

That was about what Brian was thinking as they led him inside. This wasn’t his idea of a party, but he would tolerate it for their sakes. They’d obviously wanted to do something for him and it would have been rude to complain about it.

After the first few birthday shots, though, he started to decline extra drinks. Alcohol wasn’t what he really wanted.

Looking out to the dance floor where Nick had dragged AJ moments ago, Brian found himself smiling. Dragged was the appropriate word. AJ had been sticking close to Brian since they’d come into the club. All Brian really wanted was alone time with AJ. That would be the perfect birthday present. For a few moments he let his mind run with that, not realizing how it made his smile grow until AJ joined him again and leaned over to whisper in his ear. “Grin any bigger and you’ll give us away, love.”

He made an honest effort to control it. “Sorry.” He mumbled into his glass as he pretended to take a drink. “Thinking about things.”

“Just be patient. Your present will be worth the wait.” AJ said, showing that uncanny knack he had for reading into Brian’s mind.

Before they could continue their flirting, Howie was there and was taking Brian’s arm, pulling him over to the bar to try to order him another drink. From the corner of his eye, Brian watched as AJ slammed a couple more shots and joined Nick back out on the dance floor. They’d been there for maybe thirty minutes and AJ had already had five shots. That worried him a little. But he didn’t have much time to think about it as Kevin and Howie took him on the dance floor and they were all lost in the music.

Two hours later Brian was ready to go back to the hotel. His eyes scanned the room, trying to find where AJ was and let him know that he was ready to leave. After a few looks around he finally found him at the bar, throwing back another shot. Annoyance had Brian’s eyebrows slamming down. Every time he looked at AJ it seemed that he was taking another drink.

After putting his glass down, AJ disappeared off through the door in the wall that led back to the bathrooms. Determined, Brian set off to follow. He felt his irritation growing the whole way back there. Damn it, AJ had said he wasn’t going to drink like this anymore! Of all days to break that promise, he chose to do it on Brian’s birthday? Seriously?

By the time Brian reached the bathroom he had seriously worked up a huge case of mad. What he saw when he opened the door set it off. There AJ was with some other dude, leaning over the sinks edge and snorting a line of cocaine. Cocaine!

AJ’s head snapped up when the door opened and he got that deer in the headlights look. “Shit.”

“Shit is right.” Brian swore at him. He took one look at the other guy and pointed to the door. “You. Out. Now.”

The guy didn’t waste any time. He shot out the door as quick as a flash. Once he had, Brian flipped the lock so no one else would come in. Then he turned toward AJ, more furious than he ever had been in his entire life. “What the hell were you doing?”

“Brian, it really wasn’t as bad as it looks. It was just a little line, not much at all…”

Brian practically hissed in his anger. “A little line? Just a little line? What are you doing here at all! How many times have you done this, Age?”

There was honest panic in AJ’s face, but he was smart enough to not try to step toward Brian right then. “Just a few times, baby. Someone brings it to a party, an it just spices things up a little bit.”

“You were doing it on the edge of a nasty bathroom sink, AJ!” Brian shouted at him. He flung one hand out to where some still sat. “That tells me you had to have been craving to be willing to do it there, which says you’ve done it more than a few times. Tell me the damn truth, AJ! How often do you do this shit?”

The drug and the alcohol in AJ’s system had his temper higher than normal. “Look, what’s the big deal? It’s just a little fucking coke, Bri. It’s not like I’m rigging heroin or anything like that. Just a line for a little fun here and there.”

“That shits dangerous! You’re fucking with your health. It can kill you, Alex!”

“Oh, God. It’s not going to kill me! Why are you being so fucking dramatic? I just did a fucking line, that’s it! Loosen up, Brother Brian!”

Those words were like a slap in the face. Brian took a step back, his heart throbbing. “It may be nothing to you, but it’s a big deal to me. I won’t be with someone who does drugs, AJ. Please, just stop. Walk away with me now and lets go back to the hotel an talk about this.”

But the drug had already kicked in for AJ and he was flying high. Nothing bothered him. “I’m not ready to go back. I want to party more. You go back to the hotel if you want to. I’m going back out on the floor.”

“Alex, please. Come with me.” Brian reached a hand out, trying to touch him, to talk to him, but AJ shied away from him.

“Fuck, man, you’re not my mom and I’m not your bitch. You want to go then fucking go. Your fucking ass is boring anyways. I’m going to have fun.” That said, AJ bounced toward the door. Brian’s quiet voice had him stopping. “So help me God, AJ, if you go out that door like this, don’t ever think of coming back to me again. I refuse to live like this. I refuse to be lied to about things, and have you hide things, and watch you kill yourself.”

“Your choice, man.” With that, AJ went out the door.

For just a moment Brian stood there, watching as the one he loved left. Right there in the dirty, dingy bathroom, drugs still on the sink counter, Brian felt his heart break.

Somehow he got out of there, out of the club, without anyone noticing. Some birthday this was. No one even noticed that he left his own party. The club they were at wasn’t far from the hotel, so Brian set out to walk. His brain felt frozen, unable to think beyond those nasty words that had come out of AJ’s mouth. Never had he talked to Brian that way. Never. Oh, he knew it was the drugs talking, but it didn’t make it any easier.

He hadn’t lied when he told AJ he wouldn’t be with someone who did drugs. There was no way he could be in a relationship with someone who would put those addictions first.

Somehow Brian managed to make it back to his hotel room without crying. It was when he opened the door and saw the rose petals and candles everywhere that the tears came. This was the AJ he knew. This was his Alex. Alex was the type to plan an evening like this, all romantic and such for his partner. The tears came hard and fast as he curled up on his bed, surrounded by petals that his lover had left for him. Happy birthday, Brian, he thought to himself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AJ woke with a raging headache the next morning. He shifted his body, trying to get it slightly more comfortable. That was how he realized he wasn’t in bed. One eye peeked gently open, enough to see the toilet nearby. Oh, fuck, he’d passed out in the fucking bathroom. Brian was going to kill him for that. AJ winced again, and this time it wasn’t because of the headache.

God, how could he have been so stupid as to get that fucking drunk on Brian’s birthday? What kind of a person was he to do something like that? Something teased at the edges of his mind; being halfway drunk, walking into the bathroom with that guy. The coke. Oh, God, the coke. Brian. Moaning, AJ tried to lurch to his feet. An angels voice stopped him.

“You’ll just make yourself sick if you move that fast.”

He didn’t care about making himself sick. In his mind AJ could hear the way he’d talked to Brian and he hated himself. “Bri!” he croaked out. “God, Bri, I’m so sorry.”

“Save it, AJ.”  
The coldness of those two words went straight to AJ’s heart. Panic started to build. He pried his eyes open and forced himself to look up past the blinding light and at his lovers face. Brian stood framed in the door way, leaning against one shoulder. His face was hard, all except for his eyes. The way they were rimmed in red showed testament to the tears he’d cried. Tears that were AJ’s fault. He felt his own fill with tears.

“I have one question for you, AJ.”

“Anything, Bri.” He answered quickly.

“Will you quit? The coke, the drinking, all of it?”

“I’ll never touch the coke again, Bri, I can swear that. Please, baby…”

Brian cut him off as if he wasn’t even talking. “The alcohol?”

“I…that doesn’t really make any problems. It, it helps. You know that. It helps with it.” His voice was weak underneath the glare that Brian gave him. He could tell in an instant that his answer was wrong. Brian shook his head. “Until you get your shit straight, Alex, I can’t do this. I won’t do it. You can’t even sit here and tell me that for the sake of our relationship, you’ll quit drinking. You need help. But you knew how I felt about this and you did it anyways. Not only that, but you kept it from me. You lied to me.”

Putting one hand on the door handle, Brian gave him one last, lingering look. “I’ll always be waiting for you. Waiting for the day you’re ready to be clean, J. Until then, I just can’t be here. I’ve put my stuff in Nick’s room. I’ll stay there.” With that he shut the door and he was gone.

AJ was too stunned to move. He sat there, tears in his eyes, coursing down his cheeks. Where the hell had shit gone so wrong? So he drank a little. Who cared? He did a line of coke once in a while! But for Brian to walk away from him….that was heartbreaking.

He’d trusted Brian to stand by him no matter what. Yet here he was, the first big bump in the road and he ran. It just goes to show you can’t trust anyone. Everyone fucks you over eventually. Who needed him anyways? Building up a nice anger, AJ got to his feet and headed to the mini bar. There he poured a shot of straight whiskey and downed it like a champ. Who needed them fuckers anyways? Not him. He’d be fine on his own.

Maybe, if he said that often enough, he’d believe it.


	2. Chapter 2

One day bled into the next for the two of them. Each one was hell. Brian withdrew from everyone, ignoring their attempts to talk to him. All of them knew that he and AJ had fought over something, but neither would answer when asked what they were fighting about.  Somehow they’d all seemed to come down on Brian’s side, though; assuming that it had been AJ who had been the idiot in the situation. It was true, but it still irritated Brian. Even mad at AJ, he couldn’t stand seeing the others give him the cold shoulder. He needed someone on his side right then.

Brian knew he was getting depressed but there didn’t seem to be anything he could do about it. His heart felt broken every single day. It was hard enough to go through the motions of being a Backstreet Boy. Off stage, away from fans, he just didn’t have the energy to keep up the charade.

Kevin cornered him after a week and demanded to know what was going on. “God, Bri, it’s like someone died. When are you going to tell us what the hell is happening?”

No one would listen to him when he told them nothing. So Brian just sat there and stared at Kevin, wishing he would go away. Wishing he could be alone with his pain. Who cared what anyone else thought? He was doing his job and that was all that mattered.

But it was so hard to avoid AJ. Especially when it seemed like AJ was doing everything he could to throw himself into the party scene. He was always going out somewhere, drinking something, coming back to the hotel and passing out. Not since that night had he and Brian shared a hotel room, or even a bus. If they did, Brian shamelessly begged Nick to switch him. Brian never said why and Nick never asked.

He couldn’t believe that, even for their relationship, AJ hadn’t been able to give up the drinking. Day after day Brian was forced to watch as AJ seemed to try to drink himself out of existence. His heart broke at it, but he knew he was right. He couldn’t be with him, not when he was like this.  If AJ loved him, he would have walked away from it all while he still could. Instead he’d chosen another route. He’d picked the addictions over his boyfriend.

One week bled into two, then two to three, and then a month had gone by. Each day seemed to run into the next. Endless shows and even more endless nights. Brian found himself not caring anymore. He was waiting only for the break to come, yet he dreaded it at the same time. To go home alone was terrifying. Nick had been nagging at him to come stay at his place for the break, but he didn’t know if he could do it. Vaguely he thought of going to visit his family for a while. Somewhere that he could go and lick his wounds.

The first leg of the North American tour was almost done. They were in Mexico, ready to put on their last show before they’d get a one month break. After that break they’d move on to the South and Latin America leg. Brian couldn’t bring himself to care.

The show itself was spectacular that night, and all Brian wanted was to get back to the hotel. He didn’t want to go anywhere, didn’t want to be around people. He performed mechanically and when it was all done, made a beeline for the hotel. There he was able to lock himself away. To hide.

At least, that’s what he was trying to do. But he was sharing a room with Nick, and his friend knew him too well.

Brian was lying in bed under the covers, his knees curled up to his chest, when Nick came in. The younger man looked around the room, looking as if he was going to start getting ready for an evening out. The others were going out to celebrate, Brian knew. AJ would be out celebrating. Tears filled his eyes.

Then Nick did something that surprised Brian. He walked over to the bed and climbed on, over top the covers, and wrapped an arm around Brian’s waist before snuggling up behind him. They had used to do this, way back in the beginning when one or the other was scared or homesick. The familiarity of it reached down to that broken place in side of him. Despite his best efforts, tears filled his eyes.

“I wish I knew what was bothering you, Bri. What did he do that hurt you so much?” Nick’s voice was so full of concern and that brotherly love that was always there. Brian let himself scoot back into his best friends embrace and take the comfort that was being offered.

He couldn’t hold it all in anymore. Not here, like this, with the best friend he’d ever had. “He lied to me. He made promises to me and he didn’t keep them. He…said things that hurt. I tried to give him a second chance, and he chose wrong.” Even though he knew what he’d said had made no sense to Nick it still felt good to finally say it to someone. To not just be stuck thinking it over and over.

Nick sighed and held on to Brian tighter. He wished so much that he could do something to help Brian through this, but he knew there wasn’t really anything he could do but be here with him. Still, he sensed there was so much more to this than he was being told. Those thoughts swirled in his mind as he held Brian close and gave all the comfort he could.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The music in the club was loud, almost loud enough that a person couldn’t hear themselves think. Almost. Not thinking was what AJ was aiming for. If he couldn’t hear his thoughts, he wouldn’t hear Brian’s broken hearted voice over and over in his mind. Wouldn’t hear the nasty words that he had said to Brian, or the words he should have said. But he could still see. In his mind’s eye he constantly saw the hurt in Brian’s face. The pain that had filled those eyes that once had been full of love for him.

This was all so stupid. Why couldn’t Brian just calm down? It wasn’t like alcohol was a big deal. Hell, he could drop it any time he wanted to. It just helped him to keep cool. Calm. It helped take away the pain that came from his mother’s words. Now it helped to take away the pain of what he’d done to Brian and the pain that came from his other friends abandoning him.

It was clear what Kevin, Howie, and Nick all thought of him. Once they’d seen that he and Brian had been in a fight, and that Brian was hurting, they had all banded together on Brian’s side. Howie was the only one to ask AJ the simple question of “What happened?” But AJ hadn’t been able to tell him. Couldn’t admit what he’d done. Sometimes he was still so angry at Brian for trying to make him quit something that wasn’t a problem that he didn’t care what anyone thought. At other times he wished he had the power to stop drinking. To stop the coke.

Kevin and Nick hadn’t been as nice as Howie. Instead of asking what happened, they had both asked him “What did you do to him?” They hadn’t been prepared to hear his side of things. Their concern had been all for Brian. That cut AJ to the core. Yes, Brian was the one who had been hurt, and AJ knew that. Brian needed the love and attention. But a small part of him wished that someone would have been on his side, wanting to make sure he was ok. Noticing how much he was hurting.

Brian had always done that. In AJ’s whole life, Brian was the only one who had ever really looked beyond the surface and saw everything that was inside of him. Not even Howie saw that deeply into him. But Brian, he saw the soft center of AJ, the place that was easily bruised and so carefully guarded. He’d seen it, and hadn’t mocked him for that weakness. Instead he’d brought a light there and filled AJ’s entire life with love. And now he’d gone and thrown it all away.

Well, fuck that, and fuck him too. AJ made his way to the bar and ordered another drink. Fuck all of them. Who needed them, huh? This was his life. He was going to do what he damn well pleased. So what if they got a little pissed. They could get over it. His drink arrived and he slammed it back without even a flinch.

Shoving the pain down under the sharp burn of the alcohol, AJ threw himself back into the dance floor, not caring who he was dancing with, or whether they were male or female. He’d show Brian he wasn’t some stupid little kid who had to be told what to do. He could drink if he wanted, and use too! What harm was a little fun?

When a guy hooked an arm around him, grinding up close, AJ let himself grind back against him.  It felt good just to be touched again. Then when the guy whispered in his ear that he had a little nose candy, and would he like to play, AJ had quickly agreed. They’d left the floor and headed back to an off the way bathroom. Once in there the guy had been all grins.

Before AJ could think or speak the guy had him pushed up against the door, kissing him fiercely. For just a split second AJ stayed there, frozen in shock before he managed to push the guy away. “Get off me.”

“Hey! You said you wanted to have a little fun!” The guy exclaimed, sliding back up to him. He started kissing the side of AJ’s neck while his hands went to AJ’s hips. Lost in sensation, AJ found himself moaning lightly, allowing this guy to continue to kiss his neck.

When the guy was by his ear he leaned in to whisper to him. “Let me show you some fun. You ever done body lines before? I can show you a real good time, baby, I promise you.” Just as the man said baby his hand slid down the front of AJ’s jeans, wrapping around his semi hard dick. It was the combination of the two that shocked AJ down to his core.

With all his strength he shoved the man off of him, gasping for air. What the hell was he doing? What the fuck had he turned into? For a moment there he had seriously been letting someone pet and love on him just for the chance to get another snort of cocaine! He’d wanted it so badly that he hadn’t wanted to wait to go buy it, but instead had let this man paw at him just for the chance to snort for free.

Pain hit AJ square in the chest, almost doubling him over. Sweet God, Brian had been right to ask him to stop this. All he had in his system was alcohol right then, but it was apparently enough to have him thinking so stupid. What the hell had he been thinking?

With all the control and willpower he had, AJ yanked the bathroom door open and ran. He shot through the club, not bothering with the people he almost knocked over. By the time he burst out the front door and into the fresh air he was gasping and had to clutch a light post just to stay upright. Everything that he and Brian had said to each other, ever moment that he’d lived through for the past month and a half, all ran in his mind at once.

Who had he turned in to? This wasn’t him! The person he was would never have done anything to hurt Brian. He would have given up everything for him without Brian even having to ask. Since when had alcohol become more important? Or the drugs? Oh God. God. He was such an idiot. It was easy to see the trail of the addiction now. See how it had built and taken over his life in such a short time. What the hell had he done?

One thought came to mind. He had to fix this. Had to try. There was a chance that Brian would never take him back, but AJ had to risk it. He couldn’t do this on his own. Couldn’t let this control his life, and take away the best thing that had ever happened to him.

At first he didn’t realize that he had started running again until he almost stumbled to the ground. Pain and the alcohol had him weaving a little as he ran but he didn’t stop. The only thought in his mind was getting back to the hotel. Getting to Brian. Brian would help him. Even if he hated him; if AJ asked for help, Brian would help him. Just, please, God, don’t let it be too late. He knew what was important in life, now. There was nothing worth losing Brian over.

When he reached the hotel AJ didn’t even pause. He shot in the back entrance, away from the fans, and ran straight for the elevator. Impatiently he leaned against the wall, panting, as it took him up. All he let himself focus on was reaching Brian. He was terrified that if he let himself stop, let his mind and body relax, he’d go back there. Go back to being that person again. God, he didn’t want to be that person.

The doors opened and AJ shot out, practically bowling Kevin and Howie over. They both instinctively caught his arms, holding him up from falling. Once he had his feet Kevin let go of him. Howie didn’t. “AJ…” he spoke slowly, his eyes bright with concern. AJ didn’t care. Whatever was on his face must have had Howie scared, because his onetime best friend was trying to hold him in place. “God, AJ, what’s going on?”

“I can’t, I just. I gotta find Brian.” He managed to gasp out. Howie’s grip on his arm only tightened. “Not like this, Age. Talk to me. What’s going on? Let me help you!”

“No, I need Brian.” That was the most important thing in AJ’s world. He needed to find Brian. Didn’t they understand? Tears filled his eyes. “Let me go. Just let me go! Let me find him!”

“Don’t you think you’ve hurt him enough?” It was Kevin who spoke now, stepping in front of AJ and gripping his shaking shoulders. “Let Howie and I get you in your room. We’ll take care of you. When you’re calm you can talk to Brian, but not until then.”

“No!” AJ shouted at them. Pain tore through him until he thought he would double over with it. He had to talk to Brian! Had to! They didn’t know, couldn’t understand what he had done. What he had to fix. “Let me go! Just let me go!”

“AJ!”

“ _No_! Let me go!” In his pain he started to fight to break free, needing to get down to Brian’s door. He had to see him. They had to let him go! Tears poured from his eyes. “Let go of me!”

Kevin and Howie worked to restrain him, trying to take him to his room. AJ fought with everything he had, knowing that if they got him in the door he wouldn’t get out again until they said it was ok. He had to do this now, couldn’t they see? He had to see Brian before that other person inside of him took over again. AJ was terrified that if it did he would never be able to find himself again.

A sudden voice filled the hallway, catching all their attention. For AJ it was the sound of salvation. Food to a starving man. “Let him go, guys!”

The hands on AJ released and he almost hit the ground. He caught himself with his hands and then he was upright, moving quickly. Had to get over there before they grabbed him again. He didn’t realize that Brian’s name was falling from his lips over and over, broken only by small gasps, but he saw Brian standing in the doorway of his hotel room, arms open wide as AJ rushed to him.

More forcefully than he’d intended, AJ made it right into Brian’s open arms. The minute they were around him everything in his world became right again. The part of him that had been missing felt like it was back and he was whole again. “Brian, I’m sorry. I’m sorry!”

“Shh, shh. Come on, I’ve got you now. Come on.” Brian whispered to him. The others must have come up behind them, because AJ heard Brian say “I’ve got him. Let us work this out guys, please?”

“What the hell is going on? What happened to him!” Howie demanded.

“It’s not for me to say. Just please, let me help him. Let us be, ok? Nick…”

Nick’s voice sounded from somewhere nearby. “I’ll take his room for the night, Rok. You two talk. If anyone can help him, it’s you.”

Then there were footsteps as everyone left, and Brian was pulling him into the room. AJ couldn’t let go of him. It felt so good to be back in Brian’s arms again. He felt sheltered and protected. A big part of him knew that he didn’t deserve the safety of this embrace. “I fucked up, Bri. God, I fucked up. I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t. Help me, please, help me.” The words were torn from the very roots of his soul.

Those arms around him tightened and Brian’s voice was by his ear, thick with tears. “I’ll always help you, Alex. I’m right here. I’m here.”

NEXT PART

AJ felt them start to move again but he didn’t care. So long as he was in Brian’s arms he didn’t care where they went to or what happened. Then Brian did let go of him and AJ actually whimpered at the loss of his touch. The tears continued to come but he didn’t bother reaching for Brian. He wrapped his arms around himself and looked at the ground. So, Brian had let him in to help him, but this must mean he hadn’t forgiven him.

A second later there was a hand on AJ’s shoulder, guiding him down onto the bed. He toed his shoes off automatically. Brian hated shoes on the bed. Something warm and wet touched AJ’s face, startling him enough to look up. Brian was squatted in front of him, a washcloth in his hand. He was using it to wipe AJ’s face. “Did you fall on your way over?” he asked gently.

Words burned in AJ’s throat. “I-I don’t know.” He saw the quick flash in Brian’s eyes, the worry and concern and all these questions, and he knew he could answer a few. “I only drank at the party, Bri. That’s all. Not much, though. Not enough to have a real drunk. I think running burned a lot of it off. But that’s all I did was drink.” But thoughts of what he had almost done burned in his mind.

Disgust rolled through him. He didn’t deserve Brian’s touch. Not after what he’d almost done. Or what he had allowed to be done to him. That thought had him scooting back a little on the bed. Shame ate inside of him. Was he wrong in coming here? Was it already too late to make things right? He had fallen down pretty far. Could there be any coming back up from what he had done lately?

“It’s ok, Alex. I’m just cleaning your face off. There’s some dirt there.” So much gentleness in Brian’s voice that it left AJ feeling even worse. He didn’t deserve that gentleness. Something must have been in his eyes because Brian sighed and climbed onto the bed. He took AJ’s hands in his. “I told you I’ll help you, baby. I wasn’t lying to you. If you’re serious about this, if you want to get clean, I will help you.”

“I should have listened to you from the start. Nothings more important to me than you.” AJ found himself whispering. Tears still made tracks on his cheeks. But he knew he had to say this. There would be no going through with things if he wasn’t honest with Brian. “That should have been my first clue. But I was stupid, Bri, and I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I’ve been stupid.”

“What matters is you’re here, Alex.”

“No, no. You don’t understand. I was so stupid, sw-Brian.” He had almost called him sweetheart but had stopped himself. Somehow it didn’t seem right. Not with what he was going to tell him. AJ had to fight back the nausea that wanted to rise. He looked down at his lap and tried to draw his hands back. It didn’t seem right to be touching him, either, as he said this. But Brian refused to let go of his hands, so AJ kept them there and stared at where their skin joined. “I need to tell you. I need you to understand, first. Then you can decide if you’ll help me. If you don’t want to, I’ll understand.”

After a moment of silence, Brian whispered “Tell me what you need to.”

It was so hard to get the words past the lump in his throat. AJ had to swallow twice before he could force them up. “I’ve been so stupid-”

“Let me correct myself.” Brian interrupted. He waited until AJ looked at him. In those blue eyes was a small sign of anger, tempered by love. “Tell me what you need to, but try to keep your insults down to a minimum, please. I’d rather not hear my boyfriend insulted even by himself.”

That was so typical for Brian that it actually made AJ’s tears come faster. Would Brian stay with him once he said what he had to? Suddenly he was grateful for Brian’s hands over his. If this was the last time Brian would touch him he wanted to absorb it all.

“I let myself depend on the alcohol to chase away the hurt from what Ma said. It was easier to not use it when I was around you, but when I wasn’t, well, it was a convenient escape. Something to take the pain down to a manageable level. Added on to that, well, I was terrified. If she reacted like this, what is everyone else going to be like? I thought Ma would be the easiest of them all. It hurt, so much, for her to say that. I’d rather she slapped me again than talk that way to me.”

Here he had to pause for a minute to gather strength to continue. Love and support seemed to come from Brian’s hands and into him. He used it to keep going.

“I didn’t realize how badly I was depending on it. Then I tried coke the one night. Just as a lark, because everyone at the party was doing it and it seemed like they were all so happy. Having a blast. I wanted to feel that happy again. So I tried it, and it was great. Mixed with alcohol, the high lasted longer and was even better. When you wanted me to give them up, I wasn’t ready to. I got so mad inside my head. Who were you to ask me to give that up? Didn’t you understand that I needed it just to make it through the day? That it helped me feel better? I told myself there was no way you understood. But still, the things I said to you…”

Another lump built in AJ’s throat. He raised a hand, briefly letting go of Brian’s, to wipe at the trails of tears on his face. When he brought it back down Brian instantly grabbed it again. It was as if he sensed that AJ needed that contact to be able to do this.

“After that it became vital for me to be doing something to take the pain down. Something to take the voices away. All I could hear was my own voice saying those vile things to you. All I could see were your eyes, haunting me, breaking my heart. So I drank more, and I snorted more. Then the others were upset with me, and it hurt. I was wrong, but still, none of them gave me the chance to say anything. I know I was wrong, and they were right to be mad, but still, shouldn’t they have given me a chance? As my friends I didn’t think it was fair they all automatically assumed I was the wrong one. That I was the idiot and had been the one to fuck up our friendship, you know?”

“I do. It upset me, to see that they all treated you that way. They had no right, baby.”

“I guess it was fitting punishment. I did fuck up. Tonight I was at the club and this guy was dancing up on me, grinding and shit. I grinded back with him and he whispered in my ear that he had some blow. So I went back to the bathroom with him. When we went in he shoved me against the door and started to kiss me.”

Brian froze, even his hands going still, but he didn’t move. AJ took a deep breath and spoke quickly, wanting to get the words out before he threw up.

“I pushed him off, but he said that we were just gonna have fun. He held my hips and started kissing my neck, and I stood there and let him. I moaned for him.” For that, above all else, AJ was disgusted with himself. His voice hitched, but he smoothed it back down. “I let him do that, thinking I’d get some good coke out of this shit. He started whispering, talking about doing body lines, and he stuck his hand down my pants right as he called me baby.” His voice cracked on the last word.

For this, AJ had to look up, had to look into Brian’s eyes. There was pain there, and it hurt him that he was the cause of that, but he had to finish. It was already started, there was no stopping. Brian said nothing, just waited silently for him to keep going.

“Suddenly all I could think of was you. The way you say baby to me, and it makes me feel like the most beautiful person in the world. I always loved when you called me that. It makes me feel loved, and special. Like I’m someone good. Hearing him say it brought me back to reality. All of a sudden it was like my brain turned on. I could see what I was doing. Who I’d become. It made me sick. I pushed him away. He freaked, but I didn’t care. Every stupid thing I’d done hit me and I almost buckled under it.

“The next thing I knew I was running out of there. All I could think of was what I had almost done just for a little coke. That’s not me, Bri. I couldn’t recognize myself. Part of me wanted to go back in and do what it took to get that high. Hell, part of me still does, and that scares the shit out of me. I’m not that kind of guy. All I could think of was getting here. I knew if I came to you, even if you hated me, you’d keep me safe. You wouldn’t let me hurt myself anymore. So I ran the whole way here. All I knew was I had to get to you. At the least, I had to tell you how sorry I am.”

“Oh, Alex.” The anger in Brian’s eyes was gone now, replaced with so much love and sadness that AJ almost crumbled. But he wanted to finish. This was so important. He grasped onto that love like a lifeline and dropped every defense he had. He prayed Brian could see the love in his eyes, and know that everything he was saying was true.

“I love you Brian. I almost lost you because of this shit. I can’t have that happen. You’re the most important person in the world to me. But on top of that, I can’t let this happen to me. I can’t lose myself to that person again. I’m so afraid that this clarity will only last a little while, and that person in me will take over again and I’m terrified I won’t be able to stop it next time. Please, even if you can’t love me anymore, there’s no one else I trust to help me.”

AJ gasped in surprise when Brian yanked his hands, toppling him forward. Then he was wrapped in the arms he so loved and was being cradled against that familiar chest. “Not love you? Alexander James Mclean, I will always love you, even when I’m so mad at you I could spit. You almost did something stupid tonight, but what counts is you stopped it. You got out of there. Of course I’m going to help you, and love you, and be by your side through all of this. You’re not alone, baby. I love you so much.”

The dam holding his tears back finally burst, and AJ sobbed against him. With no one else in his life had he ever been able to break down this way. Around others he would have held on to his shield and tried to be the strong one they all thought he was. But here, in the safety of Brian’s arms, he knew he could let go.

His lover laid them down and let AJ sob his heart out. Then finally, when the tears were gone, Brian was still holding him as his brain slid into the sleep of relief.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Brian stared at the face in front of his, finally sleeping. His heart ached for everything that he’d heard. God, what had happened to them? How had his lover become so lost that this is where he ended up? No, this was on both of them. Brian had to admit that to himself. He should have fought harder to save the one he loved. Addictions were not something that could be done alone.

Lying here he could look back and see all the places they had both messed up. He should have pushed AJ to quit, not given him that little choice. He should have known how badly AJ was already addicted. AJ should have come to him sooner, or tried to talk to him. If he had told Brian how hurt he was inside, there would have been more understanding. He would have been there for him more, no matter the consequences. But, at the same time, he should have seen how much AJ was hurting. He knew how sensitive his love was.

They were a pair of fools, that was for sure. But this could be fixed. AJ had come to him, and that counted for something.

Leaning in, Brian kissed AJ’s forehead and promised them both that he would do everything he could to help his partner through this. He would not lose him again.

NEXT PART

The night had gone by slowly for Nick, stuck down in what was AJ’s room. He couldn’t help worrying about what was happening. Worrying about how Brian was doing. His friend had been in so much pain when they’d cuddled on the bed. Brian was a soft hearted person, and underneath his joking exterior he could sometimes be easily bruised. Some things that hurt others just rolled off of Brian’s back. But other things that people thought were jokes actually wounded him pretty easily.

When all of this shit had started a month ago, Nick had been firmly in Brian’s camp, convinced that AJ had done something stupid to him. What, he didn’t know. But everyone knew the two friends had fought, which was surprising. It was common knowledge that AJ and Brian had become really close. Brian was the only one who had taken the time to get to know AJ even deeper than Howie. He saw something there, something that no one else seemed to, and had connected with it.

It had made Nick happy. Not only because Brian was happy, and as his best friend that’s what he wanted for Brian, but because it had given AJ a good friend. Sometimes Nick couldn’t help but think that AJ got the short end of the stick with people. Sure, more often than not he was a hardass, and he’d only become more so as the years went by. But sometimes they got this little peek underneath that, showing an almost totally different person.

Brian had changed since he and AJ had become close, too. He was happier, more carefree. Sure, he spent less time with the others, but that was ok. They understood that sometimes AJ had issues, and Brian was the only person he could talk to. Especially before the fight with whatever had gone on between AJ and Denise.

But with this, Nick had been livid with AJ. He’d wanted to know what the hell AJ had done to get Brian that upset. There had been a hurt in Brian’s eyes that had gone deep. Whatever had happened, Nick knew it had been serious if it had taken that light out of Brian’s eyes.

After last night, though, Nick had needed to do some serious thinking. So he’d set up in AJ’s bed and stared at the wall all night as he tried to think things through.

There was no denying that whatever was happening was affecting AJ just as strongly, if not more, than it was Brian. Never in all the years they’d known him had any of them seen AJ the way that he’d been last night. AJ was the type to yell and rant and rave and throw a punch. He wasn’t the kind of guy to be screaming and sobbing and frantic.

Nick had stood at Brian’s shoulder and watched as AJ had tried to break free from Howie and Kevin. He’d seen the look on AJ’s face when Brian had told them to let him go and then held his arms out. AJ had looked like he was staring straight at salvation. Then to watch him run over and almost knock Brian over with the force of his hug…that had been shocking. Almost as shocking as the tears that had been pouring from AJ’s eyes.

There was more going on here than anyone knew. Something had hurt Brian and AJ both. Add on to that the fight that had happened with Denise that no one knew the truth of, and the way AJ had seemed to be constantly drunk lately. The only thing that Nick could come up with was that AJ’s drinking must have been worse than they all thought. Was there a chance AJ was on drugs too? Brian was hell on drugs. But would that have put that look in Brian’s eyes? It was all so much to think about!

When morning rolled around he was no closer to an answer, but he was determined to do something. Anything. So he gathered up all of AJ’s stuff, packing it into his bags for him, and was prepared to take it over to the other hotel room. He needed to gather his own stuff together in time for his flight home. They had around a month of a break and Nick was going to spend it with his family.

Silently he padded over to his and Brian’s room. For a minute he listened, but he heard nothing, so he tried to be quiet as he put the keycard in the door and opened it.  The first thing he heard when he came in was the sound of the shower running. So one of them was in the shower, then.

Nick dropped AJ’s bags in the entry way and moved into the dark room. There was a form on the bed, the one that was pressed up against the wall. Brian had moved it there, since he had this thing about sleeping against a wall. Weird guy. As he moved toward the dresser to start getting his things together, Nick realized that the person on the bed was sitting up, squished into the corner and rocking slightly.

“AJ?” he asked slowly. In the dark of the room he could barely see. It was just faintly lit by the light coming from under the bathroom door.

A small sound came from the bed. Something between a gasp and a sob. It had Nick reacting on instinct. He flipped a lamp on, flooding the room with light, and instantly started to move to the bed. What he saw there shocked him a little. Good God, when had AJ changed so much? When had he started to look like this?

AJ’s eyes were blood shot and bright. The bottom of his nose was red and he kept using his hand to rub at it. He seemed skinnier than normal, and he’d never had much weight on him to begin with. But it was more than that. It was the raw emotion on his face that gripped Nick and froze him in place. Holy shit. “AJ, are you ok?”

Bright eyes locked on to him, blinking rapidly at the sudden light. “What’re you doing here?” he rasped out. God, even his voice sounded more hoarse than normal. The rocking never stopped.

“I came to drop off your stuff and get my stuff.” Nick explained calmly. Inside he was reeling. What the hell was going on here?

Suspicion colored AJ’s face. “Did you go through my shit?” he demanded. With more speed than Nick had thought possible, AJ was up off the bed. “Who the fuck said you could fuck with my shit? It’s mine! Keep your damn hands out of it!”

What the hell? Where was this anger coming from? Nick took a step back, unsure of that look on AJ’s face. “I didn’t go through it, Bone. I just put it all in the bags, that’s all. I swear.”

AJ glared at him before rushing over to his bags. Neither of them heard the shower shut off. Dropping down to his knees, AJ unzipped the one bag and started to sift inside of it. Nick found himself unable to move, stuck watching as AJ wiped at his nose repeatedly and rifled in his stuff. Suddenly he scooped the bag up, dumping it upside down, muttering to himself. He took the next bag and did the same thing until there was a big pile in front of him.

“Age?” Hesitantly Nick stepped forward. AJ didn’t seem to hear him. He was still tearing through things, obviously looking for something.

“Where the fuck is it?” AJ swore, picking up pants and feeling in the pockets before tossing them to the side. He did the same with each article of clothing, growing more and more agitated with each one. Then his body froze, one hand inside a pair of jeans. He pulled something out; what, Nick wasn’t sure. But it seemed to please him.

A loud “No!” echoed through the room all of a sudden. Nick barely had time to register that Brian had come out of the bathroom, dressed only in pajama pants, before he was flying across the room and slamming into AJ. The two hit the ground with a grunt.

Gaping, Nick watched as Brian tried to take whatever it was out of AJ’s hands. AJ fought him like a wild thing, trying to keep this thing in his grip and break free from Brian all at the same time. They rolled around, each one fighting for it, as AJ shouted at him. “Let me go! Dammit, Brian, let me go! It’s mine!”

“No!” Brian shouted, making another grab for AJ’s hand.

Whatever it was that AJ was holding flew from his grip, skittering across the ground to land in front of Nick’s feet.

Brian stopped trying to wrestle with AJ and instead worked on pinning him to the ground as AJ tried to scramble after it. “Nick!” Brian shouted, grunting as AJ tried to buck him off. “Go flush that shit, now!”

A split second Nick hesitated before bending and grabbing the bag. He ran to the bathroom, listening to AJ curse loudly behind him. Only when he was by the toilet and looking at what was in his hands did Nick understand what it was. The shock was like a blow to the gut. This was coke. Holy shit! AJ was doing cocaine. Without any more hesitation, Nick upended the bag over the toilet, dumping all of it into the water and tossing the bag in the garbage.

Just as he was going to press the handle, AJ came tearing into the bathroom, Brian hot on his heels. “No!” AJ shouted, dropping to the ground by the toilet. He watched as the water swirled and was sucked down the pipe. “No!’ He reached into the garbage, grabbing the baggie that it had been in, cursing even louder when he saw that it was completely empty. He threw it down on the ground with a loud “Fuck!”

Brian took advantage of the moment to drop down beside AJ and wrap him tight. He wrapped his arms around AJ’s waist, pinning his arms there, and then used his legs to trap AJ’s legs. As AJ bucked against his grip, Brian turned to look up at Nick. “Go through all his shit for me. Make sure there’s no more, please. Please!”

There was no hesitation this time. Still not sure what the fuck was going on, Nick rushed back out and started to search AJ’s stuff. The whole time his mind seemed like it was spinning. Since when did AJ do cocaine? Jesus, no wonder he’d been so different! This put everything in an entirely different light!

From the bathroom there were sounds of grunts and bangs and an almost constant stream of swearing and begging. Swearing at not being free. Begging to be let go. Begging for just one snort. Just one, to take the edge off. It amazed Nick to hear AJ talking like that. Brian’s words weren’t understandable. Just a low, constant murmur that sounded soothing even to Nick.

After a thorough search Nick found nothing else. He came back into the bathroom. Instantly Brian looked up at him. “Nothing.” Nick told him.

Hearing that, AJ bucked harder. “God _damn_ it!” he swore, arching his body up to try and get free. “You took my shit! Who the fuck do you think you are! It was _mine_!”

“AJ.” It was all Nick could manage to say.

Brian shot him a look that clearly told Nick not to bother saying anything before he turned his attention back to his friend. “Alex, baby, calm down. It’s gone. There’s no more. I won’t let you do this, do you hear me? We talked about this. You don’t need it anymore. Come on now, calm down for me. You don’t need this.”

“Yes I do! You don’t understand. None of you understand. I need that shit. I need it!”

“No you don’t. I’m right here and I’ve got you. We’ll make it through this, baby. You’re so strong. You can do this, I know you can. Let me help you. Come on, that’s it, calm down.” Under Brian’s constant stream of words AJ did seem to be calming down. He slowly stopped fighting him. Then, with a great gasping sound, he turned his head to bury it against Brian’s neck. At that gesture Brian released his death grip.

Gently Brian moved them. He sat back against the wall, his legs out in front of him, and pulled AJ into his lap like a child. AJ’s legs dangled off one side and his top half was curled into Brian, his arms up around Brian’s neck. Great, choking sobs tore from him. Brian just rubbed his arm soothingly and held him close, whispering words that Nick couldn’t hear.

When the crying finally slowed, Brian looked up at Nick. AJ was almost comatose in Brian’s arms, in this between stage of awake and asleep. “You think you could pick him up for me, Nick?” Brian asked softly. “I can’t lift us up like this.”

“Yeah.” Stepping forward and squatting down, Nick looked at him for a moment before deciding how to do this. Then he slid one arm under AJ’s knees and the other behind his back. With Brian’s help he managed to transfer AJ into his arms and stand back up. When had he become so light? Nick felt his heart break a little when AJ whimpered in his arms and twisted, looking mostly asleep, and asked “Bri?”

Brian was on his feet by then. “I’m here, baby. We’re just going to get you into bed, ok?” He touched AJ’s face lightly, the gesture seeming so much more. Nick noticed it and found his brain going into overdrive. That touch hadn’t been the touch between friends. There had been something more to it. But, Brian? And AJ? That seemed impossible. But, combined with the way that he called AJ baby. Jesus.

Following Brian, he quietly took AJ back out to the bedroom and laid him down on the bed. Then he stepped back and watched as Brian gently tucked him in. One of AJ’s hands came up, touching Brian’s hand. In the silent room Nick very clearly heard AJ whisper “I love you, Bri. I’m sorry.”

“Shh now, it’s ok.” Brian whispered to him. In his mind, Brian knew they’d already given themselves away, so he didn’t hesitate to lean down and kiss AJ’s brow. “I love you too. Just sleep, ok? I’ll be right on the patio.” The only answer he got was a soft murmur.

When Brian stood up, he gestured for Nick to follow him and the two stepped onto the patio. Nick waited until Brian had shut the glass door before he started to talk. “What the hell is going on here, Brian? How much shit have you two been keeping from us? AJ doing coke, you and him dating. That is what I saw in there. You guys were telling each other that you loved one another!”

“Nick, you’ve got to understand, there’s so much going on here.” Brian ran a hand through his still damp hair. Thank God that Mexico was so warm. He wasn’t freezing his ass off standing in just pajama pants. “I know you may be a little pissed, but just listen to me and I’ll try to explain.”

For fifteen minutes Brian stood there and talked, catching Nick up on everything. Him and AJ discovering what they felt for one another, the dating stage, moving to the ‘I love you’ stage. Then everything that had happened so far on the tour, including Denise flipping on them and AJ’s subsequent fall into drugs and alcohol.

By the time he was done Nick’s brain was reeling under all the information. He could only stare at Brian, wondering how all this had gone on under his nose and he hadn’t noticed a thing.

“I know you’re probably upset with me, Frack. You have every right. But after how Denise reacted can you blame us for being afraid of telling you guys? We were terrified you guys would get just as upset as her.”

That unfroze Nick enough for him to feel offended. “How could you think I’d turn into a dick just because you and AJ love one another?” he demanded.

“His own mother did.” Brian’s spoke low, in a voice full of pain. It took Nick’s temper down. How could he be mad at his friends when it was so obvious that the two of them were hurting? Stepping forward, Nick folded his best friend into a hug. “Ah, Bri, you don’t have to worry with me. Whatever makes you happy is what matters to me.”

Brian’s arms came up and around him, holding on tight. “Thank you.” He whispered. It sounded like there were tears in his voice. Everything else going on might have sucked right then, but Brian felt love and gratitude toward his best friend. At least they had one ally now. Someone who knew the truth and was still by their side.

When they pulled back, Nick was wearing a wide grin. “Why don’t you go lay with your boyfriend, Bri? You look like your night sucked. I’ll go tell D and Kev to head on home, that we’re going to stay here for a while and we’ll meet up with them for tour. Then I’ll come back and kip it on the other bed with my laptop for a while. Keep an eye on him for you in case he wakes up.”

Gratitude lit Brian’s eyes. Impulsively he hugged Nick again. “Thanks, Frack. You’re a damn good friend.”

“I know. Now get in there.” Playfully Nick swatted at his arm.

As he watched Brian open the door, Nick thought to himself that shit may have been broken for a while now, and his friends may have gone through hell, but he wasn’t going to leave them alone to do it anymore. He was going to do everything he could to help, no matter what.

NEXT PART

Day one was pretty easy for AJ. He slept through most of it. Each time he woke up, Brian was there. Surprisingly, Nick was too. At one point he recalled Brian telling him that Nick knew everything, that he’d figured it out when he’d first come in and they’d gone through that craving. But a part of AJ didn’t really care that much. All he wanted to do was sleep. So off and on, for almost twenty four hours, that’s what he did.

Day two didn’t start out to well for him. Everyone was gone by then, off to home on their breaks. Both Nick and Brian had called their families and cancelled their plans. Whatever reasons they gave he didn’t know. But they moved to a new room. Brian and Nick went and rented a two bedroom suite in the hotel so that they all had the same room, but separate bedrooms to go into at night. AJ didn’t really care, so long as Brian was with him. It felt wonderful to sleep in his arms. Hell, he was barely awake when they moved rooms that first day.

He woke up in that new room, in a queen size bed, on day two, sweating and terrified. His dreams had been harsh and vivid. Brian was instantly there, running his hands over AJ’s face, trying to soothe him back down. “Shh, baby, I’m right here.”

AJ looked around him, slightly disoriented. It took him a minute to realize that it had just been a dream. He looked down at the bedspread, embarrassed to be woken up by a nightmare, and found himself gasping slightly. Instinct kicked in and he scrambled back from the bedspread and up onto the pillows. Jesus, fuck, the bed was covered in fucking bugs!

“Alex, what is it?” Brian followed him up, taking his hands. It was all AJ could do not to whimper. He gestured to the bed with one shaking hand. “Don’t you see that?” he whispered.

“I don’t see anything, baby. What do you see?”

How the fuck was it that Brian sounded so damn calm? “There’s fucking bugs, everywhere.” He wiped at his nose, jerking back as one of the bugs got too close to him. For a minute he thought about jumping to the floor, but they were all over there too. “God, they’re everywhere!”

One of Brian’s hands came up to rest against his cheek, forcing him to turn and look into those beautiful blue eyes. “Alex, listen to me. I looked it up so I’d know what we’re dealing with. This is just a hallucination. It’s a symptom of your withdrawals. There’s nothing there. Nothing.”

“I see them! They’re right the fuck there!” Agitated, AJ jerked even further back. Why was Brian lying to him? Anyone could see them! They were crawling closer and closer. He jumped when he felt one on his skin. Automatically he slapped out, trying to get it off, but it felt like it was under his skin. Jesus. “Get them off me. Get them off!”

“Baby, baby, look at me.” Brian was on his knees now. He moved so that he straddled AJ’s lap, forcing him to look up. All AJ could see was Brian’s face, but he could still feel those bugs. They were getting under his skin. Quivers ran through his body. “Look right at me, Alex. There is nothing there. I wouldn’t lie to you, you know that. There’s nothing there. Just stick with me. It’ll pass. I won’t let anything get you, I swear that.”

“I can feel them.” AJ started to scratch at his arm, trying to get rid of that feeling. Panic was skittering along his spine.  “It’s like they’re under my skin.”

“They call that ‘coke bugs’, baby. It’s just another withdrawal. There’s nothing under your skin, I promise you that. Do you hear me? They’re not there.”

To resist scratching at himself, AJ put his hands on Brian’s waist. He couldn’t seem to get his emotions under control. They were bouncing all over the place. Unbidden came the thought that if he just had a drink, or a line, this would all go away. He wouldn’t have to feel like this.

Showing that uncanny ability to read his mind, Brian shook his head. “You can do this, J. You don’t need those things. I’m right by your side, and I’ll help you make it through this, ok? We can do it.”

The itching was getting almost unbearable. He couldn’t resist reaching up to scratch at his cheek, then his neck, then his arm. Brian moved his hands to lace them with AJ’s, forcing him to stop itching. Then he leaned down and kissed him. It had been so long since AJ had felt his lovers kiss like this that it momentarily distracted him.

But even this was spoiled for him. After a second the itching came back, intensified. AJ felt his hands shaking. Whether it was from wanting to scratch or from his craving he wasn’t sure. Maybe both. He took a deep breath after breaking their kiss and moved his forehead to rest on Brian’s shoulder. A tremor ran through him. “God, sweetheart, this is hell. I can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t have the willpower for this.”

“Yes, you do. Plus you have me, and you have Nick. We’ll get you through this. The first week will be the worst. After that things will start to get easier. By the time we go back you should be feeling completely normal.”

“I’m scared I’ll break.” The admission was pulled from him. It was his biggest fear. “I’m absolutely fucking terrified that I’ll break and use and lose everything. Lose you.”

Brian wrapped him in a tight hug. “I won’t let that happen.” He swore fervently. Again he tilted AJ’s head up, pressing their lips together. That was when Nick chose to poke his head in. “Ah, damn guys! Hang a sock on the door or some shit.”

“Don’t bust into our private room and we won’t have to worry about it, now will we?” Brian threw back at him, a twinkle in his eyes.

Nick pretended to glare at them. “Ah, hell, I was just coming to tell you the foods here. But go ahead. Let it get cold. See if I care!”

Listening to the usual Frick and Frack banter, AJ found himself actually growing annoyed by it. He felt himself start to scowl. While Brian was distracted, AJ started to scratch at his arm without realizing it. Finally, thoroughly annoyed with their pretend bickering, he snapped out “Can you two shut the fuck up already? Jesus, its fucking food. Who gives a shit?”

For his part, Nick looked slightly hurt by AJ’s words. Brian just rolled his eyes and patted AJ’s cheek. “We do, lover. An you know you do too.”

“The hell I do. I’m not fucking hungry.”

Brian leaned down and kissed AJ’s nose. Disgruntled, AJ tried to move away from it but Brian only chuckled and followed. At first AJ felt extremely annoyed as he tried to avoid Brian’s lips. The last fucking thing he wanted was to be kissed on his nose or his forehead like some little fucking kid. But every time he moved, Brian followed, until AJ found himself grinning at him. Finally Brian brought his hands up and tickled AJ, making him squirm and laugh. Distracted by that he was unable to prevent it as Brian rained kisses all over his face. When Brian pulled up, AJ couldn’t help but grin up at him, his bad temper all but forgotten.

“Bad temper gone now?” Brian asked him. His eyes were crinkled with his grin.

AJ chuckled and smacked Brian’s ass. “For now, you ornery one.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That afternoon both AJ and Brian decided to watch movies. Nick took a seat in one of the comfortable chairs and pulled open his laptop. He wanted to do a little research, prepare himself for what they could expect with AJ’s withdrawals. Brian had already looked around a bit and found some information, but Nick wanted to try it.

He looked over at one point and saw that his friends had fallen asleep together. AJ was sitting up, but slouched down into the couch, his feet on the coffee table. Brian was stretched out sideways on the couch with his head lying in AJ’s lap. One of his hands was resting on AJ’s thigh, curled there as if he wanted nothing more than to simply be touching him. One of AJ’s hands was on Brian’s arm while the other was resting in his hair.

Nick couldn’t help but smile. Yeah, it was still a shock to see them together. They were two totally opposite people that it seemed odd that they were an item. At first it was easier to see them as being gay than to see them as a couple! From AJ it didn’t really seem to surprise him. Part of Nick guessed that he’d always known on some level or another that AJ looked at other men. But Brian had been a surprise. With his upbringing, it amazed Nick that he had been able to get past the religion and everything to not only be gay, but accept it about himself.

But the two of them, a couple? That had taken a little bit of thinking on Nick’s part. Yet the more he thought about it, the more he watched them, the clearer it became. Yes, AJ was a tough shit. Swearing and smoking and these addictions he was quitting here. There was a definite rebel inside of him. But as Nick watched him with Brian he was beginning to see a different side of AJ.

The person that he became in Brian’s company was still AJ, but yet he was different. Softer, in some ways. There was a gentleness mixed in with the love in his eyes any time he looked at Brian or said his name. The hardass was still there at moments. There’d already been one fight between them over AJ eating his breakfast.

That had given him real insight into their relationship and how they were together. He had sat back and watched as AJ had adamantly refused to eat, saying that he wasn’t hungry, and Brian had just as adamantly insisted that AJ put something in his stomach so he wasn’t sick. AJ had ended up shouting, telling Brian that it was his damn body and he’d eat if he wanted to. Instead of backing down or cracking jokes, as he was wont to do with his friends sometimes, Brian had put his hands on his hips and stood toe to toe with AJ.

Seeing that had floored Nick. Sure, he knew Brian had a temper in there. But he’d never really been one to stand up for himself. Apparently this was a change AJ had helped him make, and it was one that Nick heartily approved of. Brian hadn’t backed down from what he wanted. He’d shouted right back at AJ that he was being stubborn and stupid. Finally he’d crossed his arms and told AJ that he was going to eat the breakfast that had been brought for him and that was the end of it. To Nick’s everlasting surprise, AJ had started grumbling, but he’d sat down and eaten.

All the little differences that they had seemed to complement one another perfectly. In just the short time that he’d been with them, watching them interact as a couple, Nick had decided that he would do anything to help the two of them. It was so obvious that they loved one another. How could he judge them for that? A person’s sexuality was their choice. He wouldn’t discriminate for it. Who you loved was who you loved, no matter the gender.

Having drifted off in his own thoughts, Nick didn’t realize at first that AJ was awake, watching him stare at them. But Nick noticed that the hand in Brian’s hair had started to move, running through the curls there almost absently. He looked up to find AJ’s red rimmed eyes watching him. There was a maturity there that Nick had never seen before. Pain, too. His heart ached for his friend. “Hey, J.”

“Hey.” AJ croaked out. The sound of it almost made Nick wince. AJ sounded like shit. Little wonder, considering what he was going through here. What he was doing was nothing short of amazing, quitting all of this cold turkey. Briefly Nick and Brian had discussed a rehab center, but Brian had said that AJ didn’t want to go and mess things up for the group. He wanted to try it this way. If he failed, Brian was under orders to ship him to the nearest facility.

“Nick.” Hearing his name drew Nick back to the present moment. “Yeah, Age?”

“I just wanted to say thanks for what you’re doing. For helping me out like this. For helping Bri out. And for being so ok about everything.”

“It’s nothing, Bone. You’d do the same for any of us.” Nick smiled at him.

AJ sighed, his gaze moving to the curly head in his lap. Everything on his face softened. “He’s doing so much to try to take care of me right now. I’m the one that fucked up. I did shit I never should have.” There was pain in AJ’s voice that gave Nick insight in to how AJ was feeling on the inside. He watched his face as AJ continued to speak in that low, hurting voice. “He had every right to hate me for the things I did. But he pushed it all aside and forgave me, and he’s here helping me get through all of this. Even if it hurts him he doesn’t let it show. He just keeps going and going and doing what needs to be done.”

A smile curved Nick’s lips. “That’s Brian. He’ll squash his own pain down to take care of someone he loves. He loves you so much, J. I don’t know how I didn’t see it before. It’s in his eyes every time he looks at you. If he says he forgave you, then he did. He’s got a good heart.”

“He does. But I worry about him. It makes me glad you’re here. He needs someone to help take care of him right now. I’m too messed up to be much help to him. I can barely take care of my own problems. So he’s left being the strong one in the relationship, and I know he’s hurting inside.”

AJ took a deep breath before leaning down to kiss Brian’s temple. He smoothed the hair back from Brian’s forehead. Then his eyes lifted to Nick. “I want to ask you something. A favor, even if I don’t deserve it.”

“Ask me anything, J.”

“Take care of him for me?”

The words sent a small chill through Nick. “What do you mean?” he asked. A part of him was terrified that AJ thought something was going to happen to him.

Realizing that, AJ gave him a smile. “I’m not going anywhere, Nick. But for the next while I may not be the best person. I may say or do things I don’t have much control over. I don’t want to, the very idea makes my heart hurt, but I’m afraid that I might hurt him. Be there for him, please. Don’t let him lock it away. He’ll try to, thinking that he has to. Be there to hold him for me when I can’t, and listen to him when he needs it. He thinks he’s so strong sometimes, but he needs to lean just like the rest of us. I just need to know that if he needs it and I can’t do it at the time, he has someone there for him. He’s so focused on taking care of me. He always has been. I wish I was half as strong as he was.”

Emotion welled up in Nick’s heart. He couldn’t help thinking that AJ was stronger than he realized. He was just as gentle as Brian, it just didn’t show as much. But Nick was coming to see that there was more to AJ than anyone but Brian had ever seen. “I promise, J. He’s like a brother to me. I’ll do the best I can for him.”

AJ’s lips curved. “Thank you.”

In a companionable silence the two sat there. Nick stared at his computer screen, thinking to himself that he wished he could find a love even half as strong as what his two friends had. If he ever did he would be more lucky than anything else in his life.

NEXT PART

*Day Three*

Jesus fucking Christ. AJ stared at the mirror in front of him, seeing himself for the first time in three days. There was no other word to describe it. He looked like shit. God above, he felt like shit too. Like he’d been hit by a fucking Mack truck and left to rot in the sun.

The bags under his eyes almost looked purple. For the amount of sleep he’d gotten the last 36 hours it should have left him feeling rested. Instead he was left with this feeling of exhaustion, but was unable to go to sleep. That left him with the bags and the bloodshot eyes. Even his nose was red.

When had he gotten so skinny? A month shouldn’t have shown this kind of weight loss. But he’d had to pull hard and tie off the strings on his sweats just to keep them on him. That had been an interesting task. After stepping from the shower he had attempted to dress and found that his hands wouldn’t stop trembling. Instead of calling Brian for help he’d stood there and tried until he managed to get it done. Then he’d just stood in front of the mirror, where he was still at now, staring at his reflection.

Just standing there he could count his ribs in the mirror. Not perfectly, but still. Where was the definition that he’d used to be so proud of? The abs that he’d worked to gain? Where had the body gone that Brian had used to run his hands over and sigh in sheer appreciation? It was all gone now. He was skin and bones. He was surprised that Brian didn’t gag at the sheer sight of him. Who wouldn’t? He looked absolutely disgusting.

There was a soft knock on the bathroom door. “Age? Baby?” Brian called out softly.

AJ stared at his reflection a moment longer, not even noticing the scowl on his face or the way he was itching at his arm again. God, if he could just sneak out of here for like an hour; hell, even fifteen minutes! He could go get a drink to take the edge off. It would make the rest of this easier to deal with.

He felt like he was going crazy. A big part of him knew that he shouldn’t touch alcohol or coke, but the other part of him was craving it like it was air. He knew that it would only make things worse in the long run, but at the same time it would make him feel so good and it would take away these horrible feelings.

But one thought held firm in his mind. The only thing that kept his trembling body from bursting out of the bathroom and making a beeline for the door. Brian. He couldn’t lose Brian. If he broke down and did these things then he would. There was nothing in the world that was worth losing Brian.

“Alex?”

AJ jumped. He had been so lost in thought he’d forgotten that Brian was outside the door. With a wry look at his image in the mirror he called out “Come in, sweetheart.”

The door opened almost hesitantly. Brian looked around the edge before he stepped inside. He shut the door behind him. “Is everything ok?” He asked.

“Oh peachy fucking keen.” AJ snapped before he could stop himself. With a sigh he closed his eyes. “Sorry, Bri. Sorry.”

Hands took hold of his, grasping tightly. “It’s ok, baby. Your temper has never scared me before. I don’t see it starting now.”

“I don’t like snapping at you, but I can’t guarantee that it won’t happen again. I hate this, Bri. I hate feeling like this. I hate thinking that all I need is one drink and I’d be ok. I hate the way my brain rationalizes wanting to go snort a line. I don’t know if I’m strong enough for this.”

“Oh, baby.” Brian moved forward to embrace him. He easily wrapped his arms around AJ’s waist. “You’re so much stronger than you know. You can do this, I know you can. I have faith in you.”

“I can’t find my faith right now, Bri.” AJ allowed himself to bring his arms up behind Brian’s back until he was gripping Brian’s shoulders. He buried his face in the curve of Brian’s neck. Being in Brian’s arms, holding on to him this way, was helping him relax some. The tremors moved from just his hands and ran through AJ’s small frame.

Brian didn’t protest to the tight grip. Indeed, he wrapped his arms tighter around AJ’s waist so that they were shoved against one another. “I have enough faith for both of us, baby.”

Together the two stood in the bathroom and held on to one another, each praying for things to turn out ok.

*Day Seven*

The cravings were down to a manageable level. AJ sat on the patio of their hotel room, smoking a cigarette with a hand that still trembled too much for his liking. It had been a big day for him, albeit a hard one, and right then all he wanted was the quiet of the patio and the smoke in his hand.

Since he had pushed past the hardest of the withdrawal symptoms and had made it a whole week clean, he and Brian had decided that it was time to make a few changes. So they’d done some research and found that there was a rehab center not far from where they were. Not only did it do inpatient, but it did outpatient as well. So they’d discreetly gone down there, under disguise, and AJ had spent half of his day talking with a counselor and then attending an AA/NA meeting.

It had been beneficial. He couldn’t deny that. Inpatient wasn’t the way to go for him, but he could handle going twice a week for the next three weeks until they had to leave again for tour. Once out there, he knew he would find himself meetings to attend wherever he went. Brian would help him do it. The meeting had been surprisingly easy to be at, and very helpful. It was a good feeling to be surrounded by people who had fucked up like he had, and were still going strong from it.

Nick had wanted to go with them but Brian had felt that all three of them would attract too much notice. So Nick had waited back at the hotel and Brian had gone with AJ. Honestly, AJ could have gone alone, and he probably would have. But, neither he nor Brian felt it was quiet safe to let him out alone quite yet. He wanted to get a few more weeks under his belt before he started to get confident.

But one week was still doing good. AJ was starting to find that slight confidence inside of himself. He’d made it a week. He could make it more. He could do this. With Brian by his side, and Nick willing to help so much on the friendship side, he had a support system built around him. Yes, things were going to work out. He was determined.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nick and Brian sat in the living room, watching discreetly out the window as AJ sat and smoked. The door was closed so they couldn’t hear him and he couldn’t hear them. It was the system they’d worked out with AJ. They didn’t want to leave him alone, but he didn’t want to always feel suffocated. So he would head out to the patio and drink his coffee and smoke and they would stay inside, watching him without hovering over him. So far it worked out.

They were taking advantage of their privacy to discuss how things were going and how they were going to go.

“He did really well out there today. A little jittery, but he talks to them and he went to the meeting.” Brian said softly. His eyes never left AJ. Even just the back of his head was fine for him to look at. “I think that on the addiction side of things he’s starting to get better. Starting to feel better, you know?”

“He looks like it. Some of the cravings seem to have gone down and he freaks out less and less.”

“Yeah. He sleeps a little better too. Less nightmares.”

Something in Brian’s tone caught Nick’s attention. He looked away from AJ and over to Brian. There was some emotion on Brian’s face that Nick wasn’t quite sure what it was. “Bri? Are you ok?” he asked him bluntly. He knew Brian and knew that this was something Brian wanted to talk about, whether he was going to admit it at first or not.

A small flush lit Brian’s cheeks. “It’s just…relationship issues, Nick.”

“Ok.” Nick waited for a minute before he realized that Brian wasn’t going to say anything else. Ok, he was going to have to pry this one out of him. One, because Brian was his friend and he needed to help him; Two, he had promised AJ he would help take care of Brian. “Bri, I’m not going to flinch away from talking about your relationship with Age. So you’re two men? So what? Theory is still the same. I bitch at you about the problems I have with my girlfriends. Unload on me, it’s what I’m here for.”

The light in Brian’s eyes glowed for a moment with his usual humor. Though he kept his gaze on AJ, his fingers trailed down to play with the hem of his shirt. Seeing that made Nick grin. Well, it looked like AJ was starting to rub off on him. Everyone knew that when AJ was nervous or bored he would roll the hem of his shirt between his fingers. So much so that he wouldn’t buy shirts if their fabric didn’t feel right to him.

In the silence of the room Brian started to speak. At first it came out sounding more as if he was talking to himself than anything else.

“He’s pulling back from me sometimes and it drives me crazy. I can almost see the wheels in his brain turning this way and that. I can see him thinking that all of this will have changed how I feel about him. He’s so afraid all the time that I’m going to walk away once he’s better. That I’m only doing this because I can’t turn away a friend who needs me. He really thinks he’s fucked up so much that I wouldn’t want to take him back.”

Brian paused and ran a hand through his hair. Tears were standing in his eyes. Right then there was nothing that Nick could say, so he kept quiet and simply waited. Sure enough Brian continued.

“He thinks I’m sacrificing my own pain for his. That I’m pushing what I feel aside to take care of him. But he doesn’t understand. Yes, I hurt right now. I hurt that he’s hurting. I hurt that I didn’t try to help him sooner. But more than anything else, I feel pride. Pride and love. I’m not sacrificing anything. I would do this a hundred times over, and gladly, just to keep him in my life. How could I hold his mistakes against him when he’s doing everything he can to fix them? I mean, does it make sense to you, what I’m saying here?”

With a smile, Nick nodded at him. “Yeah, it does. I know how you think, though. That’s just the kind of guy you are, Rok. You forgave him, so you’re letting it go and moving on.”

“Exactly!” Brian exclaimed.

Before he could continue on, Nick held a hand up, asking for silence. He wanted to make a point here before Brian said anything else. “Like I said, that’s how you think. But that’s not how AJ thinks. Step back from things as a couple for a minute and look at it as a friend. He hurt you. You can argue semantics all you want, but in the end it boils down to that, right?”

“Yes.” Brian admitted.

“To him, that’s all that’s going to matter. How he did it or why he did it or any other parts of it aren’t going to count. In his world what counts is that he hurt you when he was supposed to be loving you. To him, can’t you see how he can’t get past that? AJ, despite all his temper, has always hated hurting people he cares about. Too many people hurt him, I think. Now he’s here and he’s going through hell with the withdrawals and the sobering up and all that, and he’s snapping at us left and right and going from depressed to ok to sulky to angry and back again like crazy, and to him can’t you see how he would think that he’s still hurting you?”

“But he’s not! All that stuff, it’s not my Alex. I don’t take offense to any of it.” But Brian was speaking a little slower and there was a thoughtful look on his face. Seeing that, Nick knew he had to press his advantage while he had Brian thinking about things.

“He takes offense to it, Frick. Look at it like you’re him. Over and over he’s hurt you, one time right after another. Even as he’s trying to get better he’s still hurting you. What good is he right now? He’s shaking and swearing and craving all the time. He feels like a walking nerve ending, as he put it the other day. I heard him mumbling to himself about the weight he’s lost and the shagginess to his hair and all this stuff. Right now he feels like a failure, but worse than that, he feels like he’s less of a man.”

Just as he’d known it would that last comment threw Brian off. His eyes grew confused as his gaze snapped to Nick’s face. “Less a man?”

“Well, sure. I mean, I haven’t heard any noises from y’alls room so it’s obvious you two aren’t getting your freak on at night. He’s become skinnier than ever, with these bags under his eyes that still haven’t faded and a tremble in his hands like an old man. Add on to that his hair looks all scruffy. Hell, he hasn’t dyed it in over a month. His clothes hang off him and he has all the marks from where he scratched a little too hard. He probably feels like the most unattractive thing in the world. So on top of feeling like he hurt you, he’s going to feel like it wouldn’t matter anyways because you’d never want him.”

Brian sat back in his seat and simply stared at Nick. Everything his friend said made total sense. How could he not have seen it before? It was exactly the way that AJ would think. Nick had summed him up perfectly.

He looked at his friend and couldn’t resist raising one eyebrow at him. “When the heck did you get so smart, Nicky boy?”

“Shit, Frick.”

NEXT PART

*Day Eighteen*

*Sixteen Days Until Tour starts back up*

Ever since his conversation with Nick that afternoon, Brian had started a campaign. He didn’t try, yet, to seduce AJ. Not when his mind told him that AJ wouldn’t welcome his advances yet. Instead he set about helping AJ bring his self-esteem back up.

As a way to release stress the two men started to hit the gym daily. They’d lift weights and practice their moves for tour and hit the pool. Not only did it help AJ bring his body back to normal, but Brian found himself getting in better shape as well. He also bought a shaver and put it in the bathroom amongst their stuff, not wanting to press the hair issue but knowing that it bothered AJ.

One afternoon after his shower, AJ came out and his hair was buzzed short. Brian had made a point to whistle at him when he saw. AJ had flushed, but a hint of his old grin had come back.

The cravings seemed to go further and further away as did the shaking and the other symptoms. More and more he was finding himself again, and becoming like the old AJ. It made Brian’s heart swell. He was eating again, and starting to laugh with them a little. The mood swings were still there, but not as frequent as before.

It had been AJ who suggested that they go downstairs to have dinner. He wanted to start testing himself in a real environment. After that went so well, the three of them had a blast, they decided to take random trips out and about to go shopping. That served a dual purpose. While they were out, Brian helped AJ get a new wardrobe. One that fit him for the time being.

Only after all this had been done did Brian start to think about bringing things to the next level with his partner. He talked with Nick beforehand and warned him that he had plans for the night. Nick had just laughed and said his TV could get pretty loud, and if all else failed he had his headphones. It still left Brian feeling amazed every time Nick showed how easy going he was about their relationship. It made him love his friend, his brother, all the more.

So that night when AJ was in the shower, Brian set up their bedroom. He had planned the night as carefully as possible, wanting to make the biggest impact that he could. If he was going to break their almost two month celibacy than he wanted to do it right. He wanted there to be no doubt in AJ’s mind. With that in mind he set candles up all over the room, lighting each one of them until the entire room seemed to flicker with the small flames. It gave it a very romantic feel.

He wanted this night to be perfect. While he’d been trying to help AJ feel better and get back into shape as well as find himself again, something else had happened. Brian had found his own self again. This time had almost been like when they’d been at AJ’s house before. Yes, Nick was there, but that was ok. Brian found his stress starting to slide away. As it did he realized that AJ had been partially right. He had been angry with AJ still, even if just a little. He’d also been afraid that AJ would slip and he would lose him.

Brian had come to see that so long as he held on to those thoughts and denied them then neither of them was ever going to heal. Not all their problems were because of AJ. Some were his own making. Realizing that, and accepting them, had helped him to heal and to move forward. Now, he felt himself again. The time felt right to do this.

When AJ stepped out of the bathroom Brian was waiting for him, dressed only in his plaid pajama pants, standing in the middle of the room. Surprise crossed AJ’s features, followed by a flash of desire. It was the desire that gave Brian the courage to smile at him. “Hey.” He whispered.

“Hey.” AJ replied, lips curving. “What’s with all this?”

“Has it been that long that you don’t recognize when your own boyfriend is trying to seduce you?” Brian teased him. Just like he’d wanted that comment made AJ’s smile grow. Still wearing just a towel, AJ stepped closer to him. “I guess it has been.”

“Well, we’ll have to start correcting that.” Deliberately Brian let his passion leak into his voice, thickening his accent. He knew how much that turned AJ on. Sure enough he saw his lover shiver slightly. Looking at him, Brian realized he had no reason to be nervous. This was the same AJ. He was the same Brian. So there had been problems between them lately? Here, like this, they had always been compatible.

So he stopped stressing about things and just let himself feel. He walked the short distance to where AJ stood, stopping when their bodies were only inches apart. Then he let his eyes travel down over AJ’s body, admiring where he had started to fill back out, looking at that oh so familiar body. When he brought his eyes back to AJ’s face all he could see was love and desire looking back at him.

Smirking, Brian reached a hand out and took hold of AJ’s towel, pulling lightly at it until it slid down to the floor. “God.” He hummed lightly in the back of his throat. “You are the sexiest man I have ever seen.” It was the truth. AJ had always been a lean framed individual, with muscles layered over that. The weight lifting they’d done lately had only made that more defined. Brian couldn’t help but notice that just his gaze alone had AJ’s body responding.

“I don’t see how.” AJ told him. By the look on his face after he said it, Brian didn’t think that he’d intended for that to be out loud. So, Nick had been right on that one too. Dead right. AJ saw himself as undesirable at the moment, even after Brian had tried to help him get back into shape.

Well, he was just going to have to show him. “Baby, you’ve always been sexy to me.” He told him in a husky voice. Bringing one hand up, Brian let his fingers trail lightly down AJ’s neck, over his chest, and down to his stomach. Everywhere his fingers touched, AJ shivered. “Just looking at you, even before we got together, has always made me want you. Even before I was ready to admit it to myself.”

“I always felt the same way, too.” AJ rasped back. He lifted his hands and laid them on Brian’s shoulders, sliding down over his arms and back up again. “Your arms always got me, though.”

“My arms?” Brian asked in surprise. He had never heard that before.

Nodding, AJ kept tracing the skin. “You have very well defined arms. I loved when you’d pick me up when you were playing around. I loved to feel that strength holding me. I still do. It always makes me feel, I don’t know, safe. Protected. You hold me as if I’m something to be cherished, even when I don’t deserve it.”

“You are something to be cherished for me, and you always deserve it. I love you, Alex.”

“Even…”

Brian didn’t let him get that thought out. “Yes, even after this. We’re stronger now than we were before. We went through crap and came out on the other side. I think it made our bond stronger than it was before.” Here he knew he had to be truthful. If he wasn’t, they would never get past any of this. “I was mad at you for a while, I’ll admit that.”

Sadness lurked in AJ’s eyes. “You have every right to be.”

“I said was, Alex.” Brian stressed the word was. He caught AJ’s chin in his hand so that he was forced to look at him. “Even when you came back I still felt mad. Maybe a little resentful. Hurt. I felt like I wasn’t enough to hold you here. Part of me worried that you’d choose that stuff over me again. I didn’t give you your due. Yes, you fucked up. But I shouldn’t have held it against you. You’ve done so well and come so far since then. Eighteen days sober and clean, Alex.”

“I did fuck up, Bri. I was so scared all the time that you would get tired of helping me. Sometimes I still am. I’m afraid I’ll do one thing too many and you’ll just have enough and leave. If you did I would understand. It would break me, but I would understand.”

“I realized that you’re not the only one that messed up, Alex. I did too. No, hear me out.” He pulled his thumb up to cover AJ’s lips when it looked like he was going to speak. “I did. I should have made you get help. I shouldn’t have given up on us so easily. But I won’t make that mistake again. No matter what I’m going to be here, fighting for you. I love you, and nothing in the world is going to change. You’re stuck with me, Alex. Forever.”

Some of the pain in AJ’s eyes faded away a little at the sincerity of Brian’s words. “Forever.” He whispered against Brian’s thumb. “I like the sound of that.”

Now was the right time to step forward, to wrap his arms around AJ and kiss him. Brian deepened that kiss, his tongue coming out to trace at AJ’s lips, then dip inside when they parted. His hands slid down to cup the ass that he so loved. No matter what any said to the contrary, AJ had one hell of a nice ass. God, it was like heaven to be touching him again.

AJ’s hands had moved from his arms, down to the waistband of his pants. There was a slight tug and then Brian felt his pants dropping to the ground. He didn’t pause in his kiss, just stepped out of them. Then he did the one thing AJ had just said he loved. He picked AJ up in his arms and held him close as he carried him over to the bed. After laying him down he simply stood there and admired.

That familiar sexual grin was on AJ’s face. “You just going to stand there or you going to bring that fine body down here?” His husky rasp sent a shiver down Brian’s spine.

He climbed slowly onto the bed, letting his body move against AJ’s as he slid up toward his face. It had the both of them gasping. When Brian finally reached the top AJ was kissing him furiously, all the pent up need boiling over. His hands were instantly on Brian’s skin, sliding down to grab his ass and yank their bodies as close as they could get. The feeling of their erections touching caused them to moan.

“Bri?” AJ whispered against his lips.

“Hm?”

“I know you set this romantic scene and all that, and it’s really nice…” Distracted by the curve of Brian’s jaw, AJ peppered kisses along his skin. It wasn’t until he reached Brian’s ear that he remembered he’d been talking. “Oh yeah. I was wondering about something.”

“What is it?” Brian gasped, tipping his head so AJ could better nibble on his ear.

“Well, it’s been a while for us, and I was wondering…with all your candles, are you set on making a romantic night out of this? Or do you mind if I do something just a little, different?”

Sweet God, Brian could barely thing. AJ’s teeth were pulling on his ear, his hands were running over Brian’s ass, and their bodies were almost melded together. Right then he didn’t care about anything but making love to his boyfriend. “Different? God, Alex, I don’t care. I want you.”

“Good.” AJ suddenly let go of Brian’s ear and rolled them over in bed. There was a light in his eyes that had been missing for a while now and it had Brian’s heart thumping. Oh how he had missed that look in his boyfriend’s eyes. The look that said he was desirable and loved and so much more. “I need you too, Brian. I don’t think I can be soft and sweet right now.” AJ warned him as he kissed all over Brian’s neck.

Brian didn’t answer with words. Instead he let his hands drift down AJ’s back, one finger sliding between AJ’s cheeks to press against the entrance he found there, shocking AJ when he realized that his lover had the lube and he hadn’t even heard him pull it out or even the flip of the top to open it. Damn, that man was talented! AJ hissed as Brian slid his finger in, and bit down on Brian’s neck when he felt Brian’s finger tap his prostate. Brian gasped when AJ bit him, moaning loudly and started to move his finger.

Suddenly AJ moved, pulling himself away from Brian’s hand and sitting up. He reached behind him, taking hold of Brian’s cock and rubbing it, spreading the moisture into Brian’s skin. So caught up in sensation, moaning as his body twitched with passion, it took Brian a moment to realize what AJ intended. By then it was too late. AJ was holding Brian’s cock in place and sliding down on top of it.

Both of them gasped, AJ almost screaming at the feeling of being filled by his lover. Brian had to work to not come then and there. It had been way too long and the feeling of AJ’s tight heat was almost too much. He couldn’t stop his hips from bucking upwards even as AJ was fully sitting atop him.

“Oh God, Alex. You’re so tight. So good.” Brian gasped to him.

AJ braced his hands on Brian’s chest and moved, swearing as the pleasure arced inside his body. “Shit, sweetheart. It’s been way too long. I can’t…I just…”

Without needing another word Brian understood what AJ was saying. He felt the same way. There was no room to think of anything beyond the passion that boiled in the room. With a grin Brian brought his hand up and wrapped it around AJ’s thick cock, stroking it. “Do it, Alex.” He told him.

With that permission, AJ started to ride, his body bouncing up and down and hips rolling. It was almost too much. Even though they’d barely started Brian could already feel his orgasm wanting to be released. He lifted his hips, thrusting up in time with AJ’s rolling movements. Their moans and gasps filled the hotel room.

AJ’s movements became faster, jerkier, as Brian’s thrusts became more frenzied. They were riding toward that ultimate point, bodies straining to reach it. His one hand still pumping AJ’s cock, Brian let his other ride up, pinching at AJ’s nipples. He heard AJ’s gasp and felt as his body shot up and down and his orgasm slammed through him.

Watching AJ’s face sent Brian over the edge. With a loud shout he thrust up and emptied himself deep inside of AJ.

AJ collapsed down on top of him, panting for air. Brian couldn’t even muster up the strength to bring his arms up and wrap them around AJ. All he could do was lie there. Yeah, this had been the right time, the right night to do this. “I love you, Alex.”

“I love you too, Brian.”

NEXT PART

*Day Thirty Two*

*Two Days Until Tour Starts*

“Geeze, AJ, what the hell did you pack?” Nick grunted as he lifted a suitcase from the taxi cab to put them on the sidewalk. AJ grinned at him as he got out of the back of the cab. They had arrived in Buenos Aires, Argentina only an hour before and had just reached the hotel.

“Hey! Be nice to my stuff! I’ve got a lot of nice clothes in there!” AJ laughed. He grabbed his duffel bags and slung them over his shoulder before taking hold of his suitcases. For a second he staggered under the weight before he got his balance.

Seeing that, Nick and Brian both laughed as they grabbed their own bags. “Do you hide bricks in your clothes?” Nick teased him.

The grin AJ flashed him was wide. “Don’t be such a weenie.” AJ taunted him.

“Weenie! Man, just cause you been working out don’t mean you’re stronger than me!”

“Shit, Carter. I’m always stronger than you. You just won’t admit it.” Despite his words AJ still staggered a little as he carried his stuff inside. Brian came up beside him and stole one of his suitcases before he could protest. When AJ opened his mouth to argue, Brian chuckled. “Don’t even, Alex. Just shut up and walk.”

AJ grumbled but didn’t bother arguing. “You sure are getting bossy, boy.” He growled low at him. The growl was at total odds with the sparkle in his eyes.

In the past month the change in AJ was amazing. Brian couldn’t help but smile at him as they went inside. Now that AJ had a month sobriety underneath his belt he was becoming more and more like his old self. It was wonderful to watch. For the first time in a while Brian felt like he had his boyfriend back. There was a light back in AJ’s eyes again and he was smiling more and more like he used to. Even the teasing was more like himself.

But more than that he seemed to have found some kind of peace. He was happier than he ever had been, even before the drugs and alcohol. He seemed to have become more peaceful. It was as if the trials that he had gone through had made him grow up. There was a maturity there that hadn’t been before. Anyone looking at him could see that he had changed and grown, but it was definitely for the better. He was…happier. Brian could think of no other word for it.

As they got close to the desk, Brian leaned in and whispered “You like it when I get bossy.”

AJ hissed sharply at the sexual innuendo in those words. He slanted a look at Brian that was full of sensual promise. “Do I need to take you upstairs and remind you who the boss is?” he whispered back. His voice had dropped low and was full of a huskiness that Brian knew very well and loved. It never failed to make a shiver run down his spine.

“Promise?” he asked him hopefully.

Humor lit AJ’s face and had him chuckling before he stepped up to the desk to check them in. Nick looked between them and shook his head. He and Brian stood back a little while AJ took care of getting their room keys. Nick took advantage of that to step closer and speak in a low, amused voice. “Be careful there, Frick. You guys got used to being able to be together the way you wanted, but we’re back in our world now. There are fans and reporters outside.”

“I know.” Brian sighed regretfully. It wasn’t enough to dim his smile, though. There was so much happiness in his life right then that nothing could get it down. “We won’t have to worry for much longer though.”

“You guys decided to tell everyone, then?”

“Soon.” Keeping an eye on AJ and trying to keep the appreciation from his gaze, Brian smiled again. “Alex wants to tell them about his drinking and such first. He says that once that dies down with them we’ll sit them down and tell them the truth. Originally we were going to tell my family first, but we think Kev and D deserve the respect of being told before tour is done. We don’t like lying to them.”

“I’m proud of you guys, Frick. Not just Age for all that he’s done, but you too. You guys have really grown up the past month. I just wanted you to know that I’m proud of you two, and I’ll be by your side no matter what.”

Emotion clogged Brian’s throat so that he couldn’t speak for a second. Instead he gave Nick a quick hug, hoping it would convey all the stuff he couldn’t say.

AJ walked up to them then, keys in hand. “Hey, hey, break up the love fest.” He teased them. When he was close enough that no one would hear he said “Keep your hands off my man, Carter.”

“Make me, Mclean.” Nick fired back. He flung an arm around Brian’s shoulders as they headed to the elevator. The look in his eyes was full of good humor. Watching AJ’s face, Brian couldn’t resist putting his arm around Nick’s waist. He and Nick had walked this way man times before; the general public almost expected it from the two best friends. But Brian enjoyed taunting AJ.

AJ pretended to glare at them until they were inside the elevator. Once the doors closed he poked his hand at Nick’s ribs, making the younger man laugh and drop his arm in an effort to protect himself. In that second that he moved away, AJ stepped up and took Nick’s place at Brian’s side. He couldn’t hold on to him because of all the luggage he had, but he did turn them enough that Brian had his back to the elevator wall and AJ was almost pressed against him. “You like playing games with me?” he taunted him.

“I was just walking with my best friend.” Brian said innocently. His mouth twitched with the urge to laugh.

Before AJ could close the distance between them the elevator let out a ding. AJ barely had time to take a step back before the doors opened. He was trying to be cautious so that they weren’t caught by anyone. Most especially since the front desk had told him that Kevin and Howie had checked in only an hour earlier.

No one was in the hallway as they got out. AJ tossed one key at Nick, who was set to share a room with Howie. “D should already be there, Frack. You’ve got 402 down there.”

“Thanks, Bone.”

Here was the frustrating part. AJ took a deep breath and sighed it out, determined to not let it get to him as he handed a key to Brian. “You and Kev are in 403 I guess. I got the lucky straw for the single at 408.” He forced himself to smile at Brian and not betray the nerves that were inside him at the thought of rooming by himself. He had done well for thirty two days now, but this would be the first time he would have to sleep alone. Or be left totally alone.

As usual, Brian seemed to read his mind. He put a hand on AJ’s shoulder and gave him a smile. “I have faith that you can do this, AJ. But don’t hesitate to call me if you need me. I don’t care what anyone thinks. If you need me I’ll be there in a heartbeat.”

Nick put his hand on AJ’s other shoulder. “Me too, J. You’re not alone, ok?”

Tears built in AJ’s eyes. He had to blink furiously to keep them from falling. “Thanks, guys. Really, That, it means a lot to me.” He smiled at them to show he meant what he said.

That was another change in AJ that both Nick and Brian had noticed. He didn’t hide what he felt as often. It was there in his eyes and he wasn’t hesitant to voice it. The one time Brian had mentioned it, AJ had said it was something he had learned in his meetings. Beyond that, he didn’t say much else. His meetings and the counseling appointments he had gone to were private, and Brian never pushed to know what happened there.

AJ moved and opened his door, tossing his stuff in on the floor. That had Nick laughing at him. “You told me to be careful with your shit and then you turn around and throw it in your room? Go fucking figure.”

“A month break hasn’t improved your language at all.” A booming voice echoed down the hall. The three of them turned to see Kevin leaning against his doorframe, a smirk on his face. Howie stood with him. Though the two were smiling, it was easy to see that they were looking slightly cautiously at AJ. He resisted the urge to sigh. It wasn’t like he could blame them. With everything he’d done and the way he’d acted, he was lucky they spoke to him at all.

“Why don’t you guys come on down.” Kevin offered them.

This did make AJ sigh slightly. Here was the moment he was not looking forward to. But if there was anything he had learned in his meetings it was that he couldn’t avoid things just because they were unpleasant. That would only lead him back down that dark road he’d been on. Still, knowing that didn’t make it any easier to do.

The solid feel of Brian beside him gave AJ the strength to square his shoulders and walk down to Kevin’s room. When they walked through the door he passed by Howie and gave his best friend a smile. There had been hesitation in Howie’s eyes, but he saw something on AJ’s face that made his smile grow.

With his usual blunt manner, AJ waited only until everyone was in the room before he spoke up. They were all in the process of taking seats and he still stood off to the side, hands on his hips. “So, I know you two want to know what the hell happened and what’s been going on.”

“Well, that’s upfront, Age.” Howie commented dryly.

The corners of AJ’s eyes crinkled with his smile. It struck both Kevin and Howie that AJ wasn’t wearing his sunglasses, which had become almost a part of him over the last few months. His face was the most open that they had seen in a long time. Whatever had happened, they knew it had to be good to have wrought this kind of change in him.

“Yeah, well, I don’t see a need to be blunt. I’ll have to go back a little ways to make you guys understand, but please, respect the fact that some details I just can’t give. Not right now. Ok?” He waited for their agreement before continuing. From their spot on the couch, both Nick and Brian gave him supportive smiles.

“So, basically, Ma and I fought over something in my life that I told her about. That’s the part I won’t tell you. At least, not today. Soon though. Anyways, she disowned me. Refuses to speak to me, I’m not her son, all that kind of shit. It threw me for a fucking loop, I tell you what. I don’t think anything’s ever hurt me as much as that did.”

“Jesus, Age.” Howie said softly. His eyes were wide in surprise. Kevin stayed silent, knowing that there was more.

“I know, D. But that’s not the main part of things here, that’s just the start. You guys know that I talk easiest to Bri about things. I think most of us do, really. He’s a good listener. So I told him about what was going on, and he tried to help me. But I started to drink so I wouldn’t be hurting anymore. I started to drink a lot. Like, all the time. Then Brian and I got in our fight. He…he walked in and caught me snorting coke on a bathroom sink at a club with some guy.”

This produced the shocked reactions that he’d expected. Neither man spoke, but his two friends looked like they’d been sucker punched.

“He begged me to quit. I said some nasty things to him. Really nasty. I was flying high at the time, but that’s no excuse. The next day he asked me if I’d give it up. If I could quit, because if I didn’t then he was going to wash his hands of me, basically. I told him I’d quit the blow, but I didn’t want to quit drinking. That wasn’t good enough. I couldn’t understand yet why I had to quit. So, that was our fight.”

Here AJ started to muck with the bottom of his shirt, rolling it between his fingers. He didn’t want to get into this part of things with them, because it still hurt a little, the way he’d been treated. How much should he actually say? What was the point of bringing up the way they had treated him? He had deserved it and so much more for what he’d done to Brian. Mentally he stopped himself, jumping off that track. He would not go down that road again. Inexplicably, Brian had forgiven him. That was all he needed.

“I drank more and snorted more to hide from everything I felt after that. That last night, something happened at the party and it snapped my eyes open. I could see myself and what I was becoming and I hated it. I hated me. Somewhere along the way I’d pushed myself down inside and let this, this thing take over. This addict. I didn’t know where to go or what to do, but it clicked. I knew that, no matter what, no matter how mad he was at me, Brian would help me if I asked it. So I ran. I ran from the club back to the hotel with only the thought of getting to Brian. I knew he’d help keep me safe, even from myself if necessary.”

Here he eased up a little again. This was easier to talk about. The hardest part was out. Now he gave a smile to Nick and Brian.

“Bri kept me there that night until I was totally sober. But in the morning I was already in withdrawals. Nick came in to drop off my stuff and get his, and he found out what was going on. He decided to stay and help me. These two kept me going this past month. I have thirty two days clean and sober right now. I’ve gone to meetings and counseling, and with all of this I think I’m going to be ok.”

He brought his gaze back up to Kevin and Howie who had stayed quiet this whole time. “Part of my recovery is accepting my mistakes and making amends. I owe you guys, all of you, the biggest apology. Not only for failing as a friend, but for failing as a member of this group. I know what my mistakes are, and I accept them. But I apologize that my addiction affected you all. I had to tell you the truth today and say that I am sorry.”

It was Howie who found his voice first. “God, AJ. I had no idea that you were going through that. Why didn’t you come talk to one of us?”

“I wasn’t ready then, D. I was ashamed of myself, and still caught up in the addiction. I couldn’t.” AJ replied. He left unsaid that he had felt none of them would be there for him.

Kevin wiped a hand across his face. “No matter what’s going on you should know that you can tell us anything and we’ll be there for you.” He told his young friend.

A snort from the couch caught all their attention. To the surprise of two of them, it was Brian who snorted. He wore a wry look on his face. “How was he supposed to know that?” he asked his friends. “AJ and I were fighting, yeah, but somehow all of you treated him like he was a leper. When we wouldn’t tell you what happened you all assumed that AJ had been the one to do something stupid and you shut him out. Who was he supposed to turn to? He’d enter a room and you guys would leave. He’d come back drunk and I’d hear him out there and you guys would just let him stumble in on his own. He made mistakes, yeah, but so did the rest of us. We dropped the ball and let a good friend, a brother, fall.”

Brian’s words had a sobering effect on the room. Everything went quiet for a few minutes.

Finally Howie rose to his feet. He walked straight to AJ and pulled him into a hug. “I’m sorry, AJ. Bri’s right. We let you down. I promise, though, that it won’t happen again.” he whispered into his ear. Tears built in AJ’s eyes. “I’m sorry too, Howie. I’m trying to be better this time.”

“You’ve made a hell of a start.” Kevin’s deep voice boomed as he took Howie’s place and hugged AJ for all he was worth. “You’re growing up, short stack. I’m proud of you.”

Those last four words did it for AJ. Even as he smiled the tears spilled over. Things weren’t perfect yet, and his addiction was going to be an everyday battle, but finally things were starting to get back on the right track.

NEXT PART

Once the tears were done with and everyone was settling in, Kevin ordered up room service so that they could eat and catch up on things. It made AJ smile when he realized that no one had ordered anything to drink with their meal but water. He wasn’t sure how he would react being around others drinking yet, but he knew that it would be something he would have to come to terms with. He couldn’t force them to stop drinking simply because he had a problem. Yet, maybe that was something better left for another day. For the moment he wanted to just enjoy being with his friends.

As AJ helped himself to a bottle of water from the fridge, Brian came up behind him to take some back over to the guys. He bent down beside AJ, whispering “You did well there, baby. I’m proud of you too.”

AJ smiled at him as they straightened, wanting to say so much but knowing that he couldn’t. Not right now. The two of them handed out the waters and took their seats again. AJ and Brian sat on the couch with Nick, deliberately keeping him between them. They were thinking identical thoughts; that it would be easier not to touch and not to act like a couple with their friend as a buffer.

“Um, can I ask a question, AJ?” Kevin suddenly asked. To hear Kevin speak so hesitantly threw AJ for a moment. He had never heard Kevin talk like that before. He was always serious and sure of his words. “Yeah, Kev. What’s up?”

“Well, it just seems to me that Brian is like, well, an AA sponsor for you, almost.”

Looking over at Brian for a second, AJ shrugged. He hadn’t thought of it like that, but... “Yeah, I guess you could say that. He helps keep me sane and sober.”

“Well, the other guys and me will be here for you, but I think that since Brian’s gone through all this with you maybe you’ll do better with him helping out the most, so to speak. What I’m getting at is, if you want to switch rooms, I’ll take the single and you can room in here with him. If you think it would help. I can even make sure the room arrangements stay that way for a while.”

AJ and Brian sat in shocked silence for a moment. It was AJ who found his voice first, managing to stutter out “Uh, yeah, that’d be great, I mean, I’d like that.”

Out of nowhere Nick started to laugh. He couldn’t help it. Watching Kevin offer to do that for them, thinking he was helping AJ control his addiction, and not even realizing how much more he was helping them with. The idea was hilarious to Nick. On the other side of him Brian was smothering a grin against his cup. AJ felt laughter tickling his throat but he worked up a scowl for his friend and his lover. “Shut up, Carter.”

“What on earth is so funny about this?” Howie asked Nick. His tone wasn’t rude, but it was obvious that he didn’t understand why discussing AJ’s recovery had sparked this hilarity in Nick. That just made Nick laugh all the harder. He held his stomach, doubling over as he tried to control the laughter.

AJ kept his scowl in place and punched Nick’s arm. “I said shut up, you ass.”

“I c-can’t help it!” Nick gasped out. His good humor was infectious. Both Kevin and Howie were smiling even without knowing why, and Brian was full on grinning now. It took everything AJ had to keep his scowl from turning to a grin. “You better help it!” he demanded.

“I can’t…it’s just…holy God! He…and then you…and the…oh man!”

The gibberish wasn’t understandable to anyone but AJ and Brian, but they caught the gist of it. AJ found his smile coming out against his will. It was funny, if you looked at it with all the facts and with a sense of humor like Nick’s.

Attempting to bring normalcy back to the conversation, AJ ignored the freak beside him and focused his look at Kevin. “I would really appreciate that, Kev. It would help, a lot.”

For a second it looked as if Kevin was going to ask something. But then he shook his head, shot Nick one last grin, and said “Ok, Age. No problem. I’ll get my stuff moved on over here shortly.”

After that, and once Nick had calmed down, conversation turned to what the others had done during their break, and the up and coming shows. Yet AJ couldn’t focus on it at all. All he could think of was that he was going to be able to share a room with Brian. Suddenly, knowing that they’d be able to be together, things didn’t seem as bad as they had before. With Brian by his side he knew that he could handle anything that was thrown at him.

A small part of him felt guilty though. Here Kevin was, offering them this option so that AJ could stay clean and sober, wanting to help a friend that he saw in need, and AJ was unashamedly taking advantage of it so that he could be around his boyfriend. That didn’t seem right. It ate at him in the back of his mind all afternoon.

When the others left to go find something for lunch and he and Kevin had already switched their stuff around, AJ threw himself on one of the beds and sighed.

From where he knelt by his open suitcase, Brian looked up and over at his lover. “What was that for?” he asked.

“What?” AJ lifted his head to look at Brian, quirking an eyebrow in confusion.

“That dramatic sigh. What was that for?”

AJ scowled at him. “Dramatic? I’m not dramatic.”

“Right, J. Nice evasion, by the way. Didn’t work, though.” Rising from his crouch, Brian moved over to the bed and sat on the edge of it, one hand coming up to stroke lightly over AJ’s forehead. “Talk to me. What’s up?”

Looking into Brian’s eyes made it impossible to be anything but honest. He couldn’t even manage a decent evasion. So, instead of fighting it, he sighed again and closed his eyes. “One bad thing about sobriety is it lets you have a conscience.” He complained.

Without looking AJ knew that Brian was smiling. It was there in his voice as he said “What’s eating at your conscience, baby?”

“Kev gave us this room together so that you could help me stay sober. Because he sees us being really good friends and thinks that you’re here with me because I need you to be clean and sober.” AJ trailed off, trying to sort through his thoughts. Brian just waited patiently until he started back up. “It’s true an all, but, I don’t know. It just doesn’t sit right with me. I wasn’t thinking of my sobriety when I said yes. All I could think of was that I get to spend every night in your arms.”

“I thought the same thing too, Alex. It’s like a dream come true.”

“Exactly. But, it doesn’t feel right. In a sense, we’re lying to him.  We’re letting him think he’s helping me stay sober and clean when in reality what we want is to be together. But they don’t know that we’re a couple. It makes me feel sneaky and underhanded. I don’t like being dishonest with them, sweetheart. It’s bothering the hell out of me.”

This time it was Brian who sighed. “I know what you mean. It was funny at first, and kind of ironic. But it’s been bothering me too. I just didn’t want to say anything to you cause I thought it sounded a little silly and kind of goofy. Like I’m a little stuck up for thinking that way, you know?”

Sliding his arms back, AJ propped himself up on his elbows so that he could better look at Brian’s face. “You’re not stuck up, baby. If you are, then I guess I am too. We can’t lie to them like this, can we?”

“I don’t think we can.” Brian admitted slowly. They looked at one another, both thinking what they had to do, and both feeling little tremors of fear over it. News like theirs could break the group apart. There was so much that could change with just one conversation. It scared the hell out of them both.

AJ shook his head to try and dispel the thoughts for a while. He sat up in bed, sliding back to the headboard. “We don’t have to say anything today, but I think we need to do it soon. We’re just too nice, Bri. We don’t have it in us to keep deliberately lie to others. We shouldn’t have to anyways. I just want to be with you without having to worry about everyone and anyone finding out. We deserve to be open about our relationship anyways. We love one another. That’s what counts, right?”

“Right.” Brian leaned in and gave him a kiss. When he pulled back he was smiling. It was a smile that AJ recognized and loved. He watched with amusement as Brian looked around the room, then over to the clock. That smile grew bigger. AJ couldn’t help but smile back when Brian stood up and pulled his shirt over his head. There was no denying what was on Brian’s mind. Suddenly it was what was on AJ’s mind as well. He felt his body come to life like the flick of a switch.

After tossing his shirt on the floor, Brian flashed that grin at AJ. “We have a little bit of time.” He said in a calm voice. “I do believe I want to make the most of it.”

“How much time we got before they get back?” AJ asked him. He was already sitting up to remove his shirt as well. He felt his body start to harden even more as Brian undid his pants and slid both them and boxers straight to the floor. Sweet God, Brian was already hard. The sight of his erection springing free from his clothes had AJ’s mouth watering.

Climbing onto the bed, Brian moved his hands to AJ’s belt buckle to start undoing his jeans. “I’d say we got about a half hour tops. Think you’re up to it, lover boy?” With one jerk he yanked AJ’s jeans and shorts down over his hips, letting his cock spring free to slap against his stomach. AJ could only respond with a moan. That moan grew louder when, once all the clothes were on the floor, Brian bent down and wasted no time in taking AJ into his mouth. “Jesus, Bri!”

“Shh.” Brian whispered before taking AJ back into his mouth. He bobbed his head a few times, sucking and running his tongue around AJ’s cock as he did. It was all AJ could do to hold his moans to a quiet level. When Brian got in moods like this it always left AJ with a mind like mush. He couldn’t think, couldn’t do anything but go along for the ride.

He couldn’t stop himself from moaning when Brian pulled back. “Ah, ah, just be patient, baby.” Brian whispered huskily to him. Then he was kneeling on either side of AJ’s hips, reaching back and positioning AJ at his entrance. While AJ pushed up Brian let his hips sink slowly down on a groan. He took a second to adjust once he was fully on him. It took everything AJ had to hold still and not cum right there from that first, tight feeling of being inside of him. “Oh, fuck.” He moaned out.

“I planned on it.” Brian put action to words and started to raise and lower his hips. He rested his hands on his thighs to balance himself as he started to move up and down, driving them both a little mad. AJ slid his hands over Brian’s thighs and up to wrap around his cock, stroking him as he watched his lover ride him. There was nothing on earth more beautiful than Brian’s face, especially when it was bright with passion. Everything else slipped from their minds for this instant. They were together, and that was what mattered.

~~~~~~~~~~

Nick chuckled as they rode the elevator up to their floor. He found both Kevin and Howie’s questions amusing. They had been quizzing him almost all lunch long about how AJ’s sobering up had been. They wanted all sorts of details, and it amused Nick to give some but not give the whole story. Like telling them that Brian had been good at distracting AJ from a craving, but not telling them that it usually involved a kiss that would leave AJ with a dazed look in his eyes.

When the doors opened and they started for their rooms, Kevin reached into his pocket for his room key and came out holding two. “Oh, damn. I forgot to give J the key. I better go drop that off before I forget.” He said as he turned toward Brian and AJ’s room.

For a second Nick didn’t think anything of it. Then he realized that AJ and Brian had been alone for the past half hour. Generally when they were alone he knew what they inevitably ended up doing. Quickly he set off after Kevin, trying to act as casual as possible. “I need to pop in and ask Bri something about a game. Why don’t you let me give him the key?” he asked, trying to keep his voice neutral. It must not have worked because Kevin and Howie both gave him a funny look.

“I think I got it, Nick. Thanks.”

Shit, shit! Nick kept by Kevin’s side, trying to think as fast as possible. “No, really, it’s no big deal. I don’t mind at all, Train. I was on my way there anyways, you know?”

Howie joined them, giving Nick a strange look. “Is everything ok, Nick?”

“Ok?” He squeaked out. “Fine, everything’s fine. I was just trying to be helpful.”

“Well, you’re being weird. Knock it off.” Kevin said absently as he stepped up to the door. Part of Nick hoped that Kevin would knock first and give the two a chance to put clothes on, if that was what they were doing. Which they most likely were. Nick had learned over the past few weeks that it may have been AJ that everyone assumed was the sex fiend, but Brian was just as bad. Once they’d started their sex life back up, the two had gone at it like rabbits, any time of the day or night.

But no one heard Nick’s prayers. Kevin stuck the key in the door and before Nick could think of any way to stop him, popped open the door and walked inside. Nick covered his face and waited for the worst. _Please, please, let them be dressed_ he thought to himself. _Let those two be talking, or something, or anything, but not…_

The thought was cut off by a loud roar. Howie darted into the room, Nick stepping slowly in behind them. He knew what he would find now. He peeked around Kevin and Howie, both of whom were frozen in place, in just enough time to see a naked Brian scrambling off the bed and grabbing a hold of his pants while AJ jerked the blankets over himself. If the situation hadn’t sucked so much, Nick would have laughed at the terrified and shocked expressions that AJ and Brian were wearing, or how Brian was trying so hard to yank on pants that weren’t even his. He got them on but they were longer than his and a little tight.

“Kev…” Brian said, holding a hand out.

Kevin took a step back and glared at them all. “What the fuck is going on here!”

It was AJ who answered, a sheepish look on his face. “Um…we’re gay?” he answered slowly. Everyone turned their eyes to him for a moment and the entire room went silent. To the surprise of everyone there, Brian bent double and started laughing. He laughed so hard that he had to put a hand against the wall to hold him up.

Nick just shook his head. Oh yeah, those two were fucking lunatics. Totally insane.

NEXT PART

Embarrassment had AJ’s face flaming. But humor was starting to leak in. He watched Brian as he continued to laugh, seeming unable to stop himself. AJ’s lips twitched and he felt a chuckle rise up. “Brian Thomas stop laughing and hand me my damn pants.” He hissed at his boyfriend.

Still laughing but trying to calm it, Brian looked down the ground and back up at AJ. He hiccupped a few times before finally managing to say “I think I got your pants on by mistake.”

For some reason that sentence broke the last of AJ’s control. He started to laugh as well, holding the blanket tight to his waist. The hilarity of the whole thing struck him. Looking over Kevin’s shoulder he could see Nick standing back there, shaking his head, a slightly amused look on his face. It only made AJ laugh harder.

Kevin looked thunderous. “I don’t see what the fuck is so funny here!” he bellowed at them. “I want to know what the fuck is going on!”

Something inside of Brian and AJ seemed to be twisted right then. They couldn’t manage to bring themselves under control. Brian whispered “Fuck is the right word.” quietly so that only AJ heard him, but it had them laughing even harder. Brian had to finally sit on the opposite bed. He was laughing so hard he couldn’t stay upright.

Someone shut the door; who, he didn’t know. But he heard it click shut. Then a pair of sweats hit him in the face. He looked up, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes, and saw Howie standing by his suitcases. “Put some damn pants on, Age.”

Without a shred of modesty, AJ threw the blankets back and turned his legs off the edge of the bed so he could stuff them in the sweats. He stood up as he pulled them up. When he was finally dressed, everyone seemed to relax a little. Very little.

Chortling, AJ moved over to sit beside Brian on the other bed. They had managed to control their laughter by then, an occasional chuckle still slipping out here and there.

Kevin stood with his arms crossed over his chest. His glower was centered directly on them. “How long has this been going on?” he demanded to know. The couple looked at one another for a second. It was Brian who finally answered. “About mid-March, I’d say. It was the end of the last tour.” AJ nodded his agreement.

The color in Kevin’s face grew. “Wait, the last tour? You’re telling me you’ve been together for over a _year_?”

AJ opened his mouth to answer that, but a thought hit him and he froze. A look of such horror crossed his face that Brian instantly forgot all about the conversation and turned his full attention to his boyfriend. “Alex? What is it?” he asked worriedly.

At first AJ didn’t answer. He wasn’t paying any attention. But when Brian insistently called his name again he shook his head and turned to look at him. “Huh?”

“What’s wrong?”

“I just realized. It wasn’t just your birthday I fucked up. God, sweetheart, I’m so sorry.”

It took a second for Brian to realize where AJ was going with this. When it clicked in his head he understood why AJ had looked so horrified. They had been fighting when their anniversary had rolled around. The thought had never even occurred to him. “Oh, baby.” Forgetting everyone else in the room, Brian couldn’t resist cupping AJ’s cheek. There were tears standing in AJ’s eyes that broke his heart.

There was such love between them that it struck Kevin silent. He and Howie watched and saw the love between the two for the first time. There was no denying its strength. It was there in every inch of them. The two were amazed as they watched AJ battle back tears, horrified by something that they didn’t know, and Brian tried to soothe him. It was easy to see that the two had forgotten anyone else.

“Alex, it’s ok. Please, don’t worry about it. Please.”

A single tear spilled over. “But it was our _anniversary_ , Bri!” he choked out. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t thought of it before now. “God! First I ruin your birthday with that fight, and then we were still fighting at our one year anniversary! The more I look at the more I see things I fucked up!”

“No, oh baby, no. You listen to me. We both fucked that one up, ok? That wasn’t just you. Until you said it I hadn’t even thought of it. We’ll do something together on our next day off, ok? Something just the two of us. The exact date isn’t important right now. We missed it, but that’s ok. What matters is that we’re together.”

“I hate that my problems caused so much damage. I hate that I did this to us.”

“I’m going to be with you for the rest of my life, Alex. We will have so many more anniversaries ahead of us. So we missed the first one? We’ll have plenty more to celebrate together. I promise you this.”

That seemed to ease AJ a little. He felt the knot inside of him start to melt away. How could he stay upset when Brian was right there, talking him down, so full of love? “I love you, sweetheart.” He whispered the words, suddenly conscious of everyone again.

“I love you too, baby.” Brian wasn’t in the mood to care about what the others thought. He leaned in and kissed AJ to both reassure him and show his love. Satisfied that things were now ok he reached down and took hold of AJ’s hand before turning back to the others. “Ok, where were we? Oh yeah. Yes, we’ve been together a little over a year. We wanted to see where things went with us before we told anyone. We also wanted to avoid making problems for the band. We had no idea how you guys would react.”

Calmer now, Kevin had a much more neutral look on his face. “I’m your family, Brian. Did you think I’d just turn my back on you? You’re not just family, you’re my friend. Who you are is who you are. The both of you. I just, I can’t reconcile the two images I have of you together now. I never suspected you were gay!”

“You’ve surprised me too, the both of you.” Howie chimed in. He had been mostly quiet up until now. The look in his eyes was almost…hurt. “I can’t believe you didn’t come talk to me either, Age. This, your drinking, the drugs. I’m supposed to be your best friend, but lately it seems like you don’t trust me enough to tell me anything.”

“That’s not true!” AJ quickly insisted. “It’s not like that, D. Can’t you see how we were scared? How I was scared? Our plan was to tell you guys on this tour. But, well, Ma was the first one we told.”

It took a minute for that to make the connections in everyone’s brains. Howie was the first to understand. His mouth dropped open in shock. “Holy shit! _That’s_ why she got so upset? Seriously?”

AJ nodded at them. His pain was evident in his eyes once more. The others were amazed all over again at how open AJ had become. “She slapped me and told me I wasn’t her son anymore. No son of hers is gay.” He said the last part bitterly. It still grated at him when he let it, her treatment of him. That wasn’t supposed to be how a mother treated a son.

“Either way, Age. I’m your best friend. Or I thought I was. This should be something you could tell me. I guess, I just wish I could have been there to help you instead of being one of the people you were afraid of telling.”

Hearing the sorrow in his friends words spurred AJ to his feet. In a few strides he crossed the room and drew Howie into a tight hug. “You will always be my best friend. It’s been hell, keeping things from you. But I did what I felt I had to. Can you understand that, D? It wasn’t trust. It was my own fear on this one. With the other, the drugs and shit, it was my shame. But nothing you did. You are my best friend. You always will be.”

“You’re mine too, Age. I’m sorry. You just caught me off guard here.”

“I think they caught all of us off guard.” Kevin chimed in. His expression had mellowed quite a bit from when he’d first walked in. That was an image that he would never be able to get out of his brain. He looked to Brian and had to look away again, his cheeks flushing. Brian noticed it and started to chuckle again, though he did try to muffle it this time.

Still, Kevin heard him. “Oh, shut the hell up. I have to live with that image for the rest of my life now, you know!” he snapped teasingly at Brian. This just made Brian chuckle more and more. He tried so hard to keep his composure but it was a losing battle. “I’m sorry, Kev. It’s just, your face…I’ve never seen you so shocked!”

“I never thought I’d see my cousin riding another man!” The words were out of Kevin’s mouth before he could think. When he realized what he said he winced again and brought his hands up to cover his face. The rest of the room burst into laughter, even Howie.

Playfully, Howie jabbed AJ in the ribs with his elbow. “AJ’s face was the best. He looked like he thought God had come down to smite him.”

“Shit!” AJ swore, shoving Howie back. “You would too! It’s one thing to tell you guys we’re gay, it’s a whole other thing to have you witness us in the act.”

Kevin peeked out from his hands to glare at AJ. “Well hang a damn sock on the door next time!”

That brought back memories for AJ, Brian, and Nick that had them all doubling over with laughter. Once they could breathe again, AJ tried to explain so that Kevin and Howie wouldn’t look so confused. “Oh, God, sorry guys. It’s just, when I was going through withdrawals I woke up one morning and saw bugs all over the bed, and on and under my skin, an Brian had straddled my waist to try to restrain me so I wouldn’t scratch my skin off. He was kissing me when Nick poked his head in, and Nick said almost the same damn thing. Hang a sock on the door or some shit, he told us.”

That had the older two men laughing. That is, until they realized that Nick had known. That had Kevin glaring from Nick and back over to the suddenly sheepish looking couple. “Nick knew?” Kevin asked in a hurt voice.

That prompted another explanation. AJ moved back over by Brian while Nick explained going to drop off AJ’s stuff and what he had found and how he had figured things out. The story had AJ’s cheeks going red with shame. He hated people knowing how bad he had been just in an attempt to get a hit. Thankfully Nick kept the details of AJ’s craving to a minimum, only telling details that were pertinent to explaining how he had figured things out.

By the time the story was done, Brian was closely watching AJ’s face. He made a decision in his mind and turned back to the others. “Look, guys, we know this is a shock. But we want you to know that it’s not like we’re looking to run right out and tell the public. We understand that can take time and that it’s a big deal that could affect us all. We understand that you guys probably want to keep this on the down low for a while. Next step is telling mom and dad, but beyond that, we respect that you guys are a part of this group too and that you won’t want to possibly have us ruined by this coming out…”

“Wait, wait.” Kevin cut in. His eyebrows furrowed as he looked at his cousin. “Who said we wanted you guys to be quiet? Who cares if you’re dating? It’s a shock at first, yeah, but it’s your lives and you should be free to live them. I would have no hesitation about letting the public find out.”

“Same here.” Nick agreed right as Howie told them “Me too.”

Kevin smiled. “See? You guys tell Uncle Harold and Aunt Jackie when you’re ready, but if you decided that you want to hold a press conference for the public or if you just want them to find out on their own, we have your backs one hundred percent, ok? Just be happy being you, guys.”

Emotion clogged Brian’s throat for a moment. “Thank you, guys.” From beside him AJ quietly echoed the sentiment.

It was Nick who took over what Brian had been trying to start. “Why don’t we let you guys be for a while. Seeing as how we interrupted and such.” He told his friends. That got the expected blush from Kevin. Soon it seemed the three of them had quickly said their goodbyes and extracted themselves from the room.

When they were all gone, AJ and Brian looked at one another before flopping on their backs on the bed. “Shit.” His hands covering his face, AJ groaned. “That was interesting. I’m never going to be able to look Kevin in the face again.”

“You?” Brian exclaimed. His eyes were wide. “My cousin walked in to find me riding my boyfriend! God, him and I will probably look at one another and blush the rest of our lives!”

The two chuckled as they rolled over to one another. For a while they lay there, too lost in the moment to say any words. There was nothing that needed to be said. It seemed that, for the first time in a while, things were finally starting to look up for them.

NEXT PART

The next few weeks were almost a honeymoon period for the couple. Now that their friends knew they no longer had to hide things when it was just them. Yeah, they still had to hide in public, but they could handle that. In the hotel, though, and around their friends they didn’t have to be anything but themselves. It was a heady feeling.

There was another break coming up, between the end of the South and Latin America leg and the second part of the North American leg. It was only a two and a half week break, but Brian and AJ made plans to go and talk to his parents over that break. To come out to them with the truth. Kevin had offered to go with them, which they gladly took him up on. It would be nice to have a friend there on their side.

In the meantime, AJ was building a plan in his head. There was one important thing he wanted to do before this trip and he was trying his hardest to plan it all out. This would be the single most important thing he would ever do in his life. A huge decision and one that he didn’t make lightly but he knew was right.

The only thing was, to plan out what he wanted he first needed to get away from Brian for a few hours. So he enlisted Howie’s help, texting him on his cell phone so that Brian wouldn’t catch on. He begged Howie to come say that he wanted AJ to go shopping with him, needing help on a gift for a friend or something, anything that would get him out for a few hours. He didn’t say to Howie what it was he needed to be out for. But, true to their friendship, Howie showed up five minutes later dressed to go out.

“Hey, D.” Brian smiled as he answered the door.

“Hey, Bri. Is J around? I was hoping to steal him for a few hours. I need to get this gift for my mom and I swear, there’s no one better to take gift shopping than this freak here.”

Laughter echoed into the room. “No kidding. He’s got a knack for it. Age! D’s here for you.”

Within no time at all the two were on their way out of the hotel. Brian hadn’t even protested or anything, which didn’t really surprise AJ. Out of the two of them, Brian was the least clingy. He was comfortable entertaining himself for a few hours while AJ went to do something. But AJ had wanted to make sure that Brian wouldn’t worry, thinking he was out alone. That was another reason he’d enlisted Howie’s help.

Howie waited until they were in the back of the limo, AJ having spoken with the driver and told him what he needed, before he decided to speak up. “So, you gonna tell me what this is about or do I just get to guess?”

“I need your help shopping for something.” AJ’s face was lit up like a Christmas tree and he knew it. This idea had been growing for a while and he was so ready to put his plans into action. He just needed one last piece of the puzzle. “I’m going to ask Bri to marry me and I want your help getting a ring.”

Shock crossed Howie’s face followed quickly by a radiant pleasure. “Oh, congratulations! I forgot that Cali does civil unions and such like that, don’t they?”

“Yeah. I’ve been thinking about this a lot and it’s what I want. I want to bind myself to him in every way possible. I love him, and this is what I want to do. But I’m nervous, so I wanted to get your help picking out rings, cause you got good taste. Then I need to figure out how to set the right scene since we can’t exactly go anywhere but the hotel without being seen.”

The rest of the way to the jewelers Howie and him discussed different ways to set up the hotel room to make a moment. “Let all of us give you a hand, Age.” Howie insisted as the limo pulled into the parking lot. “I’ll talk with Kev and Nick. Between all of us we can distract Brian when you want to do this and help set things up. We’ll help make the right scene and everything. It can be our little contribution.”

“I’d love that.” AJ said with a silly grin.

The two men got out of the limo and headed into the jewelers store. This was going to be the difficult part. Buying the rings without having everyone in the world know that it was for Brian. On that side he had let himself be seen in the limo and had brought Howie with him. Everyone knew that there was a girl Howie was seriously seeing lately so they would make the assumption that AJ went with him for Howie to buy an engagement ring.

How on earth he would buy two men’s rings without the clerk knowing and telling on them to the press was another matter altogether.

It was their luck that the store was pretty dead when they went inside. There was only one clerk, a man close to Howie’s age who actually looked kind of dashing in his dress slacks and nice red silk shirt that perfectly offset his caramelized skin. He wore a wide smile that just made them feel at ease.

As they walked along the one case on the opposite side of the room from the clerk, AJ leaned in close to Howie and whispered “Gay.” Howie’s eyes slanted up to him, full of humor. “Yes you are, J. Your point?”

“Shut up, asshole.” AJ grumbled, chuckling as he bumped Howie’s shoulder with his. “I meant the clerk. He’s gay.”

Discreetly Howie looked over their shoulder to glance at the man who was slowly coming their way. “How on earth can you know that by one look?” he whispered back quickly. AJ gave him a smug look, his eyes sparkling.  “You mean aside from the great fashion sense, or the gay pride ring he’s wearing? Just a sense.”

Right about then the gentleman stepped up to them with a wide smile. “Hello, gentlemen. I am Luiz. Is there anything I might help you find today?”

AJ looked at Luiz thoughtfully for a moment. There was no one else in the store at the moment so there was no worry about ears overhearing them.  It would be so much easier to shop and buy if they were just honest with the guy. Knowing his best friend well, Howie smiled and waited for what he knew was coming. Sure enough AJ suddenly gave Luiz a grin. “Ok, Luiz, here’s the thing. I’m one of the singers in a music group that just came through. We perform tonight for our show. So what I say in here I really, really need it to be quiet. Do you understand?”

“Of course, Mr. Mclean. I knew who you were when you came in.” Luiz said with a grin. He folded his hands on the counter. “I understand the need for discretion.”

“I think that, out of any clerk we could have got, you would be the one to understand.” AJ told him bluntly. A look of real understanding crossed Luiz’s face, followed by surprise. Grinning now, AJ nodded. “You see what I mean. Is there really no one else here?”

“We are empty, Mr. Mclean.”

“Call me AJ. After all you’re about the only person aside from friends and family that’s going to know I’m gay right now, and that I plan to propose to Brian. Soon, if I have my say. I happen to live in an area we actually can manage the marriage. Luckily. This is Howie with me. Best friends are a Godsend, and he has really good taste in jewelry.”

From there the three men were fast friends. Luiz actually went and turned the sign to closed and locked the door so that they could all search for the right rings in privacy. Everything they looked at was nice, but AJ was having a hard time finding one. It was Luiz who finally came across the one that fit them perfectly.

“I think I know what you need. I’d almost forgotten about these.” Luiz said as he pulled out a little tray and set it on the counter before them. The instant they saw the rings the two knew they were right. The rings were yellow gold bands that had infinity symbols surrounding the finger in an endless circle with two gems in each symbol. “Inside each side of the infinity circle you can put gemstones. Like your birthstone and his.”

AJ felt his smile get bigger and bigger. “This is exactly what I want. Luiz, you are a God among mortals.” He insisted. “How long would it take to get these in the sizes I need? We’ll be in Panama on the 16th and San Juan on the 19th and 20th. But I’d like to do this before we go back home an this leg of the tour ends after the show on the 20th.”

“We do most of the work here, so if you stop by tomorrow before you leave I will work tonight to make sure it is ready for you. Which stones do you want in there?”

“Garnet for January and Amethyst for February. Mine and his.”

“Those are easy enough. It will be done.”

AJ thanked the man profusely for the amount of work he was going to be doing for them. He gave Luiz the sizes and paid ahead of time in cash. When he and Howie finally left he was thrilled with how things had gone. “I really appreciate your help, D.”

“No prob.” Howie insisted as they shut the door to the limo. Once they were moving down the road, Howie pulled his cell phone out and dialed Kevin’s number. “Let’s call Kev and get this ball rolling.”

~~~~~~~~~~~

When they got back to the hotel everything was set in motion for everyone to help AJ make a romantic night. They only had a few days to do what they wanted to do but it was plenty enough time for them all to get together and take care of it all.

AJ couldn’t stop grinning as he rode the elevator up with Howie. His face was bright enough that Howie finally had to poke at him. “Wipe that grin off a little before we get there or he’s going to know something’s up.”

He couldn’t help but laugh at Howie. “Shit, D, he’s going to know something’s up no matter what. He knows me way to well for me to hide anything from him completely. I’m just content with the fact that he’ll never guess my plans in a million years. I’ll just let him stew and wonder about what the hell I’ve got up my sleeve.”

“You’re an evil man, Age.” Howie told him with a shake of his head as the elevator doors opened. AJ flashed him a wide grin. “Your point?”

The two walked straight to Kevin’s room, knowing that it was where they would find their three friends at. AJ was practically bouncing down the hall, unable to completely contain his excitement. On top of that, he had been gone from his baby for an entire afternoon for the first time since they had got back together. The thought of being back in Brian’s arms was enough to make him hyper.

Because of that, he practically burst through the door, grinning the whole time. “Honey! I’m home!” he called, striking a dramatic pose.

Howie stood back and watched as everything about Brian lit up. He turned and smiled at AJ and, though his tone was teasing, his face was full of love. “Oh, you’re finally home! How was work, darling?” Brian teased. Not missing a beat, AJ skipped forward and plopped down on Brian’s lap, flinging his arms around Brian’s neck. “Excruciating. It’s hard work, you know. I just feel like I’m wasting away to nothing.”

“Well, we can’t have that, now can we?” Brian demurred politely. From where they sat on the couch both Nick and Kevin were laughing. They couldn’t seem to stop. Howie chuckled at his friends too, happy to see them happy. To see AJ so happy and content with his life.

As his two friends gave up their playing to kiss one another, Howie exchanged a smile with Kevin. Yes, it was definitely good to see the two men happy together.

NEXT PART

AJ was planning something. Trying to hide it, but still planning something. It amused Brian to no end. He knew it wasn’t something serious that his partner was hiding. No, this involved the other guys in the group and was something that had AJ smiling in a goofy way to himself when he thought that no one was looking at him.

Normally he would have been pestering AJ to tell him what it was but this time Brian couldn’t bring himself to do it. There was an almost childlike excitement in AJ recently. A happiness that made Brian happy just to see. Things were going to get rough enough when they left to go to Kentucky; right now he wanted to allow AJ the opportunity to be secretive and plot whatever it was that was making him glow.

He really knew something was up when, on the last day of this leg of the tour, right before their two week break, Nick came down and stole him for the afternoon. Whatever it was that AJ was planning he must have enlisted Kevin and Howie to help him because they were nowhere in sight when Nick took Brian out of the hotel.

The two friends did a little sightseeing, cruising through shops and touring San Juan. It was something that they had used to do all the time. So it was nice to get that feeling back. To enjoy being Frick and Frack again for a while.

When they grabbed a bite to eat, only having an hour before they had to be at the arena, Brian finally decided to say something to Nick. “I know what you’re doing.” He told him calmly as they sat in the little restaurant.

Nick’s eyes went huge in his face for a second before he controlled himself. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He insisted. There was a definite note of panic in his voice. Brian grinned and took a sip off his soda. “Frack, you’re not as slick as you think you are, and neither is Age.”

“Fuck.” Nick swore quietly. His blue eyes looked a little troubled as they locked on Brian. “How much do you know?”

There was something serious in Nick’s voice that had Brian dropping the teasing and answering honestly. “Just that you’re here to keep me away from the hotel for a while so AJ can do whatever he’s doing.” Worry ate at him now, though. Why was Nick looking so serious about this if there wasn’t something serious going on? “There’s nothing bad going on, is there?”

Realizing how Brian had taken his tone, Nick rushed to reassure him. “No! Oh, God, no. I just thought you knew more than you were supposed to. I didn’t want J’s surprise ruined.”

Brian started to relax again. Nick would never lie to him, most especially if it was serious. Now he found his curiosity was piqued, though. “You know what it is, don’t you?”

“Yep.”

“Gonna tell me?”

“Nope.”

“Bastard.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The show that night was great. The crowds in Puerto Rico were fantastic and full of energy. After it was done and over with, Brian found himself full of energy. He quickly changed in his dressing room before setting out to find his friends and head back to the hotel. He found Kevin and Nick waiting for him back by their van. The other van, along with Howie and AJ, were nowhere in sight.

Kevin laughed as Brian came bounding out the door. “Little hyper, cos?” he teased him.

Whether it was because tour was on break for two weeks, or that the show had been so great, or that he knew something was waiting for him at the hotel, Brian wasn’t sure. But he gave Kevin a wild grin. “What was your first clue?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Couldn’t be the bouncing, could it?”

They climbed into the van, picking on one another as they did so. It always amazed the others to listen to Kevin and Brian banter. No one else would dare to say half the things to Kevin that Brian did. But he knew his cousin and had no fear of him. “You’re just jealous, Kev-o.”

“Jealous?” Kevin exclaimed, looking into the backseat where Brian and Nick were. The van started up and they were soon heading down the road.

Brian raised his eyebrows and looked over at Nick. “You hear an echo in here somewhere? Creepy.” Wiggling his eyebrows this time, he looked back over at Kevin. “Yes, jealous.”

“What the hell am I jealous of?”

“Cause I’m getting laid regularly and you aren’t.” Brian told him bluntly. His grin stretched even wider. “Really good sex too.”

In his corner of the seat Nick started to laugh. He bent down, resting his head on his knees as the laughter rolled from him. Kevin gave Brian a fake glare but couldn’t keep the sparkle from his eyes. He loved seeing his cousin so happy, and he knew that after tonight Brian would be glowing even more if things went the way AJ planned. “Way more info than I wanted, Rok.”

Red in the face, Nick lifted his head, his laughter finally under control. “Oh, no, you have no idea, Kev. Try sharing a suite with the two of them. Walls are thin. I learned more about how Brian is in bed than I ever wanted to. You think AJ’s bad? Shit...”

“Nick!” Kevin exclaimed, flushing.

Laughter tickled Brian’s throat. He looked over to his best friend. “What can I say? The man brings out the freak in me! You shouldn’t be listening to us, anyways, if you don’t want to know, oh Fracky one.”

“I didn’t exactly intend to, Frick! I was watching my TV with the volume way up, cause you two are fucking loud...”

Brian couldn’t help but chuckle there. “Fucking loud…nice pun.”

Pretending to glare, Nick rolled right over that. “…and the next thing I know I hear a slapping sound and AJ saying ‘harder’ and another slapping sound. You weren’t exactly quiet!”

A smile brightened Brian’s face as he remembered that night. Yeah, that had been one hell of a night. One of the ones right before they’d flown back out. He and AJ had been in one of those kinds of moods then and hadn’t given any thought to being quiet.

Kevin gave his cousin a shocked look. First off, he didn’t want to think of Brian and AJ having sex, as that inevitably brought up that one image he never wanted to see again. But to think that his cousin, his sweet cousin, could be the dominating one? In any of the teasing that floated around among them it was all commonly assumed that AJ was the more dominant one.

Seeing his cousin’s face had Brian shrugging. “I get in moods sometimes. Not all the time, but sometimes. Plus, AJ likes it a little rough.”

Thankfully for Kevin’s brain the van pulled up at the hotel then. He practically scrambled out of it. Behind him Nick and Brian were laughing so hard they had to hold one another up. Once inside the elevator, Kevin pushed the button for their floor and turned to give them a glare. “You two are totally insane.”

The elevator dinged for their floor and they made to step off. But Nick suddenly calmed his laughter and he and Kevin stood, keeping the doors opened, and stopped Brian from stepping out. “You don’t get off here tonight, Bri.” Kevin told him, his face suddenly melting into a warm, loving smile.

Nick leaned in long enough to press a button. “Enjoy, Frick. We’ll see you in the morning before we all leave.” With that the two stepped back and left Brian standing alone in the elevator as the doors closed and it continued to rise up.

What on earth was AJ planning? Looking at the lit button, Brian realized which floor he was heading to and whistled to himself. The penthouse suite? The guys must have all pitched in for something like that. At the same time he realized that it meant that he and AJ would have the top floor entirely to themselves. Now that was a wonderful thought.

The doors opened and Brian stepped out into the hallway, finding Marcus waiting for him. He smiled and stepped into the elevator. “Enjoy, Brian. I’ll be watching the elevator downstairs.” He said as the doors closed. This was the only elevator that led to this floor, which meant that Marcus was making doubly sure that they would be alone. The magnitude of this gift has Brian smiling.

He turned to look down the hall and saw the trail of rose petals that led to the one door. Tears backed up in his eyes. Careful not to squash them he followed the trial to the open door and gently pushed it. At the sight of the room he let out a soft gasp. There were no lights or lamps on, but it seemed like hundreds of candles were lit on every surface. There were rose petals sprinkled all around. Classical music played lightly as a background, barely noticeable but giving it just the right atmosphere. It was beautiful.

Standing over by the patio window was AJ. Brian felt his eyes drawn over to his lover like a magnet. AJ was dressed casually, yet in a way that Brian always found attractive. A black tank shirt and black jeans. Simple, yet on him they were devastating. He was barefoot, which Brian found cute. “Alex…” Gently he shut the door behind him before walking into this little slice of paradise.

AJ was all smiles, his face light and full of love. He held out one hand, waiting for Brian to reach him. They clasped hands and AJ brought him close, wrapping an arm around his waist so that Brian stood by his side and they were looking out at the moonlit sky.

“What is all this, Alex?” Brian found himself asking. He spoke in a soft voice as if afraid that talking too loud would ruin the moment.

There seemed to be such love and peace on AJ’s face. He wore no sunglasses, as he hadn’t since they’d come back. It allowed Brian to constantly look at his eyes which was something he loved to do.

“I guess it’s a late anniversary and birthday rolled into one. I can’t make up for it, not quite, but I thought I’d try.”

Love filled Brian to overflowing. This was one of those parts of AJ that no one else saw. One that Brian loved deeply. No one knew how much of a romantic AJ really was. “You are a wonderful man.” He whispered, turning to kiss him. “It wasn’t necessary, but I love it. Do we really have this whole place for the night?”

“All night long. A little piece of heaven for us for a while. Not much compared to what I would like to do for you, but it was the best I could do.”

“It’s perfect, Alex.” Brian said honestly. “You’re perfect. Thank you, so much.”

AJ’s eyes crinkled with his smile. “I didn’t just get us the room, sweetheart, though that is a great thing on its own. I have plans for us tonight. But first…” AJ trailed off, cocking his head for a second as the music changed. Another song came on and Brian watched as AJ’s face transformed back to that sweet look that melted his insides. Shifting them out to the floor, AJ stepped back and held a hand out. “Waltz with me?”

“I…I don’t know how to waltz…” Brian stammered out. Oh, he wished he did!

The smile on AJ’s face never faltered. “Let me lead and I’ll show you. Dance with me, Bri, in the moonlight and candle light. Step into our dreams with me.”

How could he resist that? It felt as if a spell was being pulled over him. As he took that step forward and trustingly placed his hand in AJ’s it was like the world around them changed. They were no longer Brian and AJ of the Backstreet Boys. They were Brian and Alex, a couple totally in love with one another.

AJ was right. If he let him lead, it was easy. They spun around the living room, Brian barely registering what his brain hadn’t noticed before, which was that the floor had been cleared just for this. One song after another they danced together, spinning and twirling across the floor. At one point they changed, no longer waltzing, but simply swaying in one another’s arms.

Pulling his head back a little, AJ looked into Brian’s eyes. “I wanted to do this tonight to show you how much you mean to me, Brian. To give us a night together that’s not about hiding, or about hoping that no one sees us. A night without the drama and the pain that we’ve been in lately. To give us a chance just to be us. To be young, and in love, and to enjoy each other. You mean so much to me. There’s no one in my life I’ve ever loved more than I love you.”

“I love you too, Alex.”

“I never intended to fall in love with you. Or to love anyone, really. I was so bitter all the time about love. But somehow you managed to get in my heart and I couldn’t seem to chase you out. You’ve stood by my side from the moment we came together. Through Ma and her trouble, and through my drinking and my drugs. I’ve never known anyone like you. You’re so loyal and loving and just everything I could have ever asked for in a partner.”

Tears filled Brian’s eyes as he listened to AJ talk. Neither of them realized that they’d stopped swaying. Their eyes were locked on to one another as AJ poured out his heart.

“I love the way you look at me. How it makes me feel special and loved and cherished all at once. I love the little things you do for me. The way you can make me laugh when I’m sad. The way you tease me when you want to make me laugh. I love looking into your eyes and seeing everything I feel reflected back at me. There is no one else in my life for me, Brian. No one.”

To Brian’s utter surprise, AJ pulled back from him. In one fluid motion he dropped down to one knee, leaving Brian gaping at him. AJ held one of his hands. Oh my God. Could he really be doing what Brian thought he was? He brought his free hand up to his heart. Tears spilled over onto his cheeks as he looked down at the man he loved.

“We’ve been through so much together, Brian Thomas. Ups and downs and all the in between. Every day I wake up with you in my life I find myself loving you more and more. Once you told me that you would be my family for me.” With his free hand AJ reached into his pocket and pulled out a velvet box. Brian felt as if his heart would stop. Holy God, AJ was really doing this. He really was! AJ opened the box and held it out on his palm so that Brian could see the beautiful ring inside. He saw the gemstones in it, Garnet and Amethyst, and felt more tears fall. “I ask you now if you’ll be my family with me, Brian. Make a life with me.”

Brian stared down at the one person who meant more to him than anything else in the entire world. In AJ’s eyes were all the love he had ever hoped to find and more. Here was a man he wanted to grow old with. Fifty years down the road he wanted to still be waking up by his side. So many words sprang to Brian’s lips, but he couldn’t seem to find his voice. So he dropped down to his knees as well so that he was eye to eye with AJ. “Yes.” He finally managed to whisper. Once he said it, it came easier. “Yes. Yes!”  
Suddenly their arms were around one another, holding each other close and laughing even as they cried. When they pulled back, Brian could see that AJ was crying too. His love took hold of his hand, taking the ring and sliding it into place. He put the box down and pulled out a second one. Realizing what it was, Brian took it from him. With gentle hands he took out AJ’s ring and slid it onto his finger. Then he threw his arms around him again.

“I love you, I love you.” He swore.

AJ’s arms came tight around him, holding him close. “I love you too, Brian. I love you so much.”


	3. Chapter 3

It was the most beautiful night that either man had ever had. They spent all night long loving one another and just relishing in their happiness. The night was for love and nothing more. All problems were pushed aside, all trouble forgotten. Nothing else entered the room with them but one another. When they finally came down in the morning to check out, the other guys were already waiting in the lobby for them.

Somehow the two managed to not hold hands as they joined their friends. After the night they had it was difficult not to. But until they told Brian’s parents they weren’t going to chance someone seeing them and reporting it to the media. The last thing they needed was to show up on Jackie and Harold’s doorstep and have them angry because they’d seen it all on TV already.

They couldn’t keep the smiles off their faces, though. That would have been utterly impossible after a night like they had.

Nick shook his head at them when the couple joined them in the lobby. “You two better tone it down a level or twelve.” He teased them. “You guys are practically glowing.”

If anything, their smiles grew bigger. Brian stepped away from AJ to take a turn hugging all of his friends. “Thank you for helping him get things together to do this for me.” He told them all. Each one insisted that it was their pleasure.

Kevin surprised them all by being the sentimental one. “Let me see the ring already, Brian! I’ve been dying. D’s the only one that got to see it beforehand.” He complained in a teasing voice. They drew into a circle, standing so that no one would be able to see what they were looking at if they were being watched, which they usually were. Brian and AJ both held their hands out, allowing the others to admire the rings.

“Oh, I like the symbol in there!” Nick exclaimed, taking Brian’s hand and turning it this way and that. “It looks really cool with the stones in there. What made you pick those colors, J?”

“Those symbols are called infinity circles. I thought it seemed appropriate. But the gems, well, those are our birthstones. Mines the garnet, his is amethyst. The guy showed these to me and I knew they were perfect.” AJ explained. His eyes were bright with love and his smile was so big it was crinkling his eyes. Brian was just as happy. Like Nick had said, the two were glowing.

Howie embraced both his friends. When he pulled back he was smiling at them, tears in his eyes. “I am so happy for the two of you. You guys are wonderful for one another.” Pausing, he cast a look around the lobby, noticing random people starting to watch their tight circle. “From the way you walked in I guess you two aren’t ready to let the public know about you yet.”

“Just until we tell my parents.” Brian explained easily. His eyes drifted to AJ and glowed a little brighter. “After that, we don’t care who knows. We love one another and that’s what counts.”

“Well, I hate to say it, but shouldn’t you guys put the rings away until them? I mean, if someone catches that and connects it then it’ll be all over the press. An you know how reporters watch for wedding bands with us. They’ll see those pretty quickly.”

AJ and Brian looked at one another and chuckled before looking back at their friends. This was something they had discussed, and something that Brian had been adamant on. “I will not take this off.” Brian told his friends. “Age suggested the same thing, but I don’t care. This will not come off my finger unless I’m forced to take it off. I have no shame when it comes to loving him. If they happen to discover before we tell them, oh well. I can’t be anything but excited and proud to marry the person I love.”

Kevin smiled at them, happy to see his friends and family so happy. “Well guys, we better get going if we want to make our flights. Make the most of your breaks and we’ll see one another again when we get back.”

Everyone said their goodbyes and gave hugs before setting off to their different destinations.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Brian couldn’t help but smile over at AJ as the car got closer and closer to his parent’s house. His boyfriend…no, his fiancée. That was a thought that had him grinning. His fiancée was nervously playing with the hem of his shirt and biting at his lip. “Age, will you calm down.” Brian teased him, reaching back to the backseat to take his hand. Kevin was driving them. “How on earth is it that you’re more nervous than I am?”

“How is it you’re not nervous? God, I feel like a teenager being brought home to meet the parents.” AJ exclaimed. That comment had both Kevin and Brian laughing.

“Baby, you’ve met my parents before, so it’s not really the same. Will you stop worrying so much? Things will be fine.”

“What…what if they flip? I mean, well, look at me!”

That had Brian turning even more in his seat. His eyebrows drew down as he looked at AJ. “I am looking at you. What is it I’m supposed to be seeing?” he demanded, having a feeling that he knew where this was going and not liking it one little bit. The look that Kevin slanted at him said that he too had guessed what was on AJ’s mind.

AJ pulled his hand free and gestured at himself. “I’ve never exactly been the guy that people take home to meet mom. I’ve always been the guy people’s moms warned them way from!”

“Be quiet, you idiot.” The words were said lovingly, but with a slight annoyance to them. “You do know that what they have to say about you really doesn’t matter? It won’t change how I feel about you one little bit. You’ll still be the man I love. If they can’t see that, then who cares?”

Somewhere along the way in their relationship Brian had felt himself change. Maybe it had been what they’d gone through with Denise, or with AJ’s addiction, but Brian had found a confidence that he hadn’t had before. The approval of his family didn’t matter as much. Neither did what the general public thought. Before, it had bothered him, how everyone would react. He’d worried about the taunts and anger and what people would have to say. But he and AJ had been through so much so far on this tour alone. Yet they had survived it. Here they were, still together and stronger than ever. The man he loved had asked him to marry him, and he’d said yes. Nothing anyone said was going to change that.

“But look at me, Bri! Look at me from their perspective. I can’t blame them if they get mad. I mean, I’m a freak with a bad reputation, even in the boy band world. I’m a recovering addict on top of all that. Now we’re going to tell them that you’re gay and we’re getting married? Jesus, I’d shit if they _didn’t_ flip out on us. My own mother doesn’t even speak to me anymore.”

“Look, Alex, none of those things matter.” Kevin spoke up as he took another turn off. “What matters is what you two feel for one another. Is anyone else’s opinion really that important to get yourself this upset over? In the end it’s you and Brian who will be living your lives, not anyone else.”

“Easy to say when it’s not you that’s going to be under the microscope.” AJ grumbled. But he sounded less stressed and he stopped fiddling with his shirt. After another moment of silence he even offered Brian a small smile. “Sorry, love. I should be here supporting you, not freaking out.”

Brian gave him that wide grin that AJ loved so much. “Heck, baby, if you weren’t freaking out about something I’d think you were sick.”

“Fuck off, you jerk. I’m not that bad.”

Two discreet coughs from the front seat had AJ laughing against his will. “You two are horrible!” he told them. “I don’t stand a chance when you gang up on me. This ought to be an interesting vacation.”

“To say the least.” Brian teased.

The car turned into the driveway for the house right then and they grew silent. This really was important. Brian was nervous, he wouldn’t deny that, but not for the reasons that anyone would have thought. Yes, he worried that they would hate him or that they would cut off from him. If they did it would hurt, he wouldn’t say otherwise. But he was surprised to learn that the thing that worried him the most was how they would treat AJ. That had his lips curving while Kevin parked the car. If he’d doubted it before, which he hadn’t, that thought would have showed him who was the most important in his life. There was no one for him but AJ.

Jackie flung the door open even as they climbed from the car. “You’re here!” she called out happily, running toward her son. Brian caught her and lifted her up, spinning her in a circle before putting her down to hug her. AJ thought to himself that she practically glowed with happiness at seeing her son. Once he was hugged and kissed, Jackie moved to Kevin and gave him hugs and kisses as well, exclaiming over how good he looked and how happy she was to see him.

Then she moved over to AJ. Each of the guys was close with the other member’s families. After being together for so many years they were all like one giant extended family. “AJ, look at you!” she exclaimed after hugging him tightly. She put her hands on his shoulders and held him out for inspection. “You’re still too skinny by half, but you’re looking good. Healthy! Well, we’ll see what weight we can add on while you’re here.”

“You know I don’t turn down home cooking.” AJ replied with a grin.

Jackie laughed and started to lead them toward the house. “Well, come on in. Supper’s in the oven and it should be ready in about twenty minutes. I made my lasagna for y’all.”

The three men practically moaned as they stepped inside. Kevin hugged her to his side with one arm. “Aunt Jackie, you sure know a way to a man’s heart.”

“That’s how she snagged me.” Harold Sr. teased as he walked into the living room, smiling at them all. “I tasted her lasagna and knew that I had to marry this woman.”

Jackie swatted playfully at his arm as she went past to the kitchen to check on supper. “Oh, get on with you.” She teased her husband happily. It had always made AJ smile to watch Harold and Jackie together. Anyone could see that, after all the years they’d been together they still loved one another deeply. Theirs was a love that would last ages. He hoped that when he and Brian had been together that long they could still laugh and tease and flirt together that way.

“Dad.” Brian said warmly, moving to embrace his father. “It’s good to see you!”

“Good to see you too, son. We missed you last break. Your mom said something came up and you couldn’t come home. But we’re glad to have you here for now.” Harold’s gaze shifted to the others. “You two as well.”

Kevin stepped forward and wrapped Harold in his arms for a big hug. “How you been, Uncle Harold?”

“Oh, fair to middling, Kevin. Been a while since we’ve had you come stay with us. I thought for sure you’d be over at your Mom’s place.”

“Well, I thought I’d be nice to visit with you guys for a little while. I might pop over there a bit before going back. We’ve got two weeks for our break this time.”

AJ hung back nervously, his shoved in his pants pockets so he wouldn’t start fiddling with his shirt. The nerves were coming back harder than ever. In the back of his mind the thought popped up that a drink would sure relax him and make this whole situation easier. The thought didn’t stay little for long, soon growing to fill his mind. The craving was the biggest he’d had since he’d become clean. A good thing his hands were in his pockets or he knew they’d be shaking.

Turning to AJ with a big smile, Harold chuckled. “Did you get another tattoo, AJ? I swear, boy, you won’t have much skin left to tattoo soon!”

“I’ll always find somewhere new. I can’t help it, they’re an addiction.” AJ joked. The word addiction echoed in his mind over and over.

Over time Brian had come to learn how to read AJ’s voice very well. There wasn’t a part of AJ that he didn’t know. So he found it easy to see in his eyes, his body language, and to hear in his voice the craving that was echoing through him. He reacted instinctively, shooting Kevin a glance and darting his eyes from Kevin to Harold and back again. Kevin took the hint and flung his arm over Harold’s shoulders, asking him a question about the family that distracted him. The two soon disappeared into the family living room.

“You ok, baby?” Brian wasted no time in asking. He put a hand on the small of AJ’s back, wanting to offer him support.

AJ took a deep breath and nodded. This wasn’t the time for him to be freaking out. He should be supporting Brian, not panicking like a kid. “I’m fine, Bri. Let’s go do this.” He said softly. They had agreed that they wouldn’t waste time in telling Harold and Jackie. They’d decided that it needed to be done right away so that there were no more lies, no more cover-ups.

After looking at his lover for a moment, Brian nodded. It would be easier on the both of them if they got it done and got the stress out of the way. Once all this was handled and they went to bed he would see about helping his lover start to relax. The two squared their shoulders and followed after Kevin and Harold.

They found them, and Jackie as well, all seated around the living room, laughing at some story Kevin was telling about tour. There were still seats on the couch open and the empty loveseat. Brian walked to the love seat and sat down, AJ sitting beside him. Unconsciously, Brian found himself spinning the ring on his finger as he waited for Kevin to finish his story and he thought about how he wanted to do this. So far he hadn’t been able to figure out how he wanted to say things.

“Brian Thomas Littrell!” Jackie exclaimed suddenly. She scooted to the edge of the couch so she could reach over the small distance and take his hand. Her eyes were wide as she stared at the ring on his finger. “What on earth have you been hiding from us? This looks like a wedding band!”

That had everyone’s attention. Harold sat in his chair, gaping at the ring on Brian’s hand that he was just now noticing. Jackie looked shocked and slightly hurt at the thought that her son married and hadn’t told her.

Brian swallowed and looked up at his cousin. Well, this was one way to open up the topic for discussion. Kevin smiled at him in a reassuring way, letting him know silently that he was there for them. A small quiver ran through AJ’s frame, but that was the only outward sign of his nerves. He’d composed his face into a calm mask.

“Well, mom, it is but it isn’t. I’m not married.” Brian added that last part quickly. He pulled his hand back when she let go of it and folded his hands together in his lap. “I wouldn’t get married without telling you guys or having you there. Come on now.”

“So you got engaged? You’re not supposed to wear the ring till you’re married! Who is the lucky girl? Do we know her or is she someone you met on tour? Is she pretty? When do we get to meet her?” Jackie overflowed with questions, her voice bubbly and happy now that she knew her son hadn’t married behind her back.

Harold held up a hand to his wife. “Now, Jackie, give the boy a chance to answer your questions before you ask any more. I’m sure he’ll explain everything to us if you give him half a chance.”

Gratefully Brian smiled at his dad. Sometimes it was hard to get a word in edgewise when Jackie got on a roll. She was always teased that she could carry on a whole conversation without input from anyone else. But now the moment was on him, and Brian felt his nerves flutter in his stomach. This was it. He didn’t even notice that he shifted his body a little, angling to protect AJ.

“Yes, Mom, I did get engaged. You know the person already. But um, well, it’s not a girl.” He blurted the last part out, not sure how else to say it. The entire living room went silent as a tomb. Brian knew that there was a chance they would blow soon, so he rushed to get out all he wanted to say. “I know that you guys probably don’t approve of homosexuality. I had a hard time coming to terms with it and getting past the religious part of myself that tried to tell me it was wrong. But I believe I’ve come to terms with myself and with God. A person can’t control who they love, no matter what the gender is. I love him and I can’t change it. I wouldn’t change it for the world. He’s my everything.”

Jackie brought a hand up to cover her mouth. Tears were in her eyes, spilling over onto her cheeks. She looked as if she’d been struck in the face. Harold had gone white as a sheet. He was the one who made the easy connection first. His eyes moved from Brian, over to AJ, and back again. Seeing that look, Brian nodded.

He reached over and placed a hand on AJ’s knee, just letting it rest there. It actually helped calm him some. “I fell for AJ a long time ago, but I fought it for quite a while. Even once I was ok with myself I still thought that there was no way he would ever feel the same way about me. But, miraculously, he does. He loves me as much as I love him.  March was our one year anniversary. Just last night he gave me this ring and asked me if I would marry him. It made me the happiest man in the world.”

After a moment Harold turned to look at Kevin, his eyes hard. “Did you know about…about _this_?” he demanded in a low, furious voice.

Kevin lifted his chin firmly. “Not until recently. Since we got back from the last break. But I’m happy for him, Sir. They make one another happy.”

“Is, is he why you didn’t come home last break?” Jackie whispered. “Was it so you could spend time with…with him?” The tone of her voice let them know exactly what she thought of that. It tore at Brian’s heart to hear his mom sound so upset and confused.

To the surprise of everyone, but most especially Brian, it was AJ who answered that question. “He did stay at the hotel with me, ma’am, but not because of what you think. He didn’t cancel on you guys just so we could have alone time. He and Nick were helping me quit my addictions.”

“Addictions?” Jackie whispered painfully. If anything her eyes grew bigger.

AJ sat up a little straighter, his hands coming out of his pockets to clench together in his lap. “Yes, ma’am. We told my mother about us and she disowned me. It hurt, quite a bit. She told me I was no longer her son if I did this. To hide from that pain I did the stupidest thing in my entire life. I slipped into drinking and drugs. Your son stood by my side and helped me come out the other side clean and sober. He helped me see that my mother may hate me and my lifestyle, but it won’t dictate who we are. We love one another. I love him more than anyone else in my life. He means the world to me.”

In the sudden silence of the room the sound of Harold’s chair thumping as he stood was especially loud. “This is against our lifestyle, our religion. It goes against God and nature. I don’t know what you have done to my son, AJ, but I will not stand for this. I want you out of my house, now. You and your disgusting lifestyle are not welcome here anymore.”

Brian rose to his feet as well, AJ moving to stand by his side. “Dad, you can’t send him away. If you want me here you’ll have him here too. We’re engaged. Nothing that you say is going to change it. I hope that you can see that this makes me happy. It wasn’t a choice I made. My heart went where it wanted to. But I couldn’t be happier with who it chose. There is no one who knows me better than AJ. No one has ever treated me as good as he does.”

“I will not have him in my house!” Harold bellowed. His face was slowly turning red. “I want him gone, now! You and I will talk long and hard about this once you get that little pervert out of here. No son of mine is going to be dating another man, let alone a drug addicted freak!”

That had Brian seeing red. His own hands clenched into fists. “I will not tolerate you standing here and insulting him. The only thing he’s guilty of is loving me. Where’s the sin in that? Love is the greatest thing the bible teaches us about!”

“I want him gone, Brian. Now!”

“No, dad. If you want to talk to us, you talk now. But if he goes then I’m going with him.”

In a move that surprised them all, Harold moved over to the cabinet by the wall. It shocked Brian enough that he couldn’t even move as he watched his dad grab one of the shotguns that were kept there, always loaded and ready to go chase away the coyotes. He cocked it with one hand and raised it, pointing it directly at AJ. “I said, get out of my house!” he demanded in a hard voice.

“Harold!” Jackie jumped up, rushing over to her husband, but he pushed her behind him and kept aim.

AJ’s mouth had dropped open in shock. In one quick move, Kevin and Brian both stepped in front of him, blocking Harold’s shot. “Uncle Harold!” Kevin snapped out in a hard voice. “Put that down!”

“Dad, calm down! You can’t shoot him!” Reaching behind him, Brian took hold of AJ and moved him right up against his back, holding him close with both hands. He knew that with his body in the way his father would take nothing for chance. But there was a manic light in his dad’s eyes that he’d never seen before.

“Move, Brian. I want him out and I want him out now. I will not have that little bastard laying another hand on my son.”

“I won’t stand here and let you threaten and insult him!” Brian shouted back at him. Anger burned low in his stomach. “You’re not thinking about this. _I love him_. Him. You can either accept it or not, but it won’t change one damn thing!”

Kevin looked from his Uncle over to Brian. “We should leave.” He murmured quietly. “Start backing up. I don’t know what he’d do right now but I won’t risk AJ. Keep him behind you and back toward the door, Brian. He won’t be reasoned with while he’s like this.”

As much as it hurt to admit it, Brian knew that his cousin was right. There was a crazy light in his dad’s eyes that he had never seen there before. Slowly he started to back up, leading AJ toward the hall an to the front door. Harold followed, his gun never faltering. “We’re not done, Brian. Just let him go and you and I will talk about this. You’ll see the right of things.” Harold said coldly.

Brian shook his head. “No, Dad. Where he goes, I go. If you can’t accept him, then you obviously don’t want me here either. We’re a package deal. You take one with the other. I won’t leave him. Not for you, not for anyone.”

Thankfully AJ was staying silent. He was smart enough to know that speaking could prove to be disastrous. All he wanted was to get the fuck out of there and away from the crazy man with the gun.

As they reached the door, Harold stayed at the other end of the hallway. AJ opened the door up and they backed out of that. Only when the door was shut again and they were outside did they move apart from one another. Kevin broke free to rush to the car and get it started. Brian and AJ clasped hands and hurried toward the car.

There was a loud thump as the door slapped open behind them. The two reacted instinctively, sprinting the last few feet to the car. A shot echoed through the air, hitting the gravel in front of them, scaring Brian shitless. Kevin had reached back and opened the back door for them. Brian shoved AJ inside before practically throwing himself in and shutting the door behind him.

As the car sped into reverse, the last thing Brian saw of the house was his father still holding the gun and Jackie on his arm, trying to yank on his arm. Then Kevin had them out on the road and the house quickly disappeared from sight.

“Fuck.” Brian moaned, slipping his head back against the seat. “My dad’s fucking insane. What the hell was that? I’ve never seen him like that before!”

“I haven’t either. I would never have expected that from him.” Kevin admitted as he brought the car to a more reasonable speed. “I thought he’d get pissed, but nothing like that!”

Not hearing anything from his lover, Brian opened his eyes and looked over to where AJ sat, curled up against the door. “Baby?” he said gently, reaching out to touch AJ’s shoulder. “Are you ok? I know that probably upset you, and I’m so sorry that they put you through that. If I’d know how he was going to be I would never have put you through that. I am so sorry.”

AJ shuddered underneath his hand and Brian felt even guiltier. “I am so sorry, Alex. Oh, baby, I am so sorry. Please, talk to me. Are you ok?”

“Bri…” AJ spoke softly, his voice wavering. It broke Brian’s heart to hear it. He wished AJ would look up at him. “Yes, Alex?” he answered. AJ mumbled something in a voice so quiet that Brian could barely hear him. Brian leaned in closer. “What, baby?”

“I said I think we need to go to the hospital.” AJ whispered.

Panic hit Brian square in the gut. He grabbed AJ shoulder and yanked him over, putting his back into the seat. That was when he saw what he hadn’t been able to see before. AJ’s right hand was pressed against his left shoulder. His hand was covered in blood and blood had already soaked the front of his shirt. “Shit! Kevin, the hospital! Now!”

The car suddenly accelerated as Kevin’s cursing filled the front seat. Brian yanked his shirt off, bundling it up and moving AJ’s hand so he could press against the wound. AJ’s face was pale and his eyes were barely open. “You stay here with me, AJ! Pay attention to me, you hear? No passing out on me now. We’ll get you to the hospital. God, oh Jesus.” Staring at all the blood under his hands, Brian prayed harder than he ever had in his entire life.

NEXT PART

They arrived at the hospital as quickly as possible, but it seemed like it took forever to Brian. As he drove Kevin had called ahead and told them that they had someone with a gunshot wound to his shoulder arriving by car. So when they pulled in to the emergency entrance there was already a team of EMT’s waiting with a gurney. They had AJ unloaded from the car and on the gurney in an instant. He was quickly whisked away inside and Brian and Kevin were brought to the ER desk to fill out paperwork for him.

Kevin took the clipboard with the papers and sat down while Brian went into the bathroom to wash the blood off his hands. He shivered as he saw the blood running into the sink and swirling down the drain. His mind couldn’t seem to make sense of anything. AJ, shot. Jesus Christ, his lover had been shot. By his dad!

When Brian came back out of the bathroom one of the nurses stopped him. “Here, put this on honey.” She told him gently, handing him a hospital shirt. Brian gratefully pulled it on and thanked her before he moved to sit by Kevin. He watched his cousin struggle to fill out the information on the sheet and silently took both the clipboard and the pen from him.

It gave him something to do for about ten minutes. When he was done he took the papers up to the nurse. Before he could even ask she told him “We don’t have an update yet, sir. Are you his family?”

“We’re all the family he has.” Kevin’s deep voice came from behind Brian as he stepped up and placed a hand on his cousin’s shoulder. “He has no one else but us and our two friends.”

“There’s no next of kin to notify?” The woman asked them kindly.

“Not that acknowledges him. All he has is his mother, and she disowned him. She wouldn’t answer your call if you put it through.” Brian said brokenly. He wrapped his arms around his waist and battled back tears. “How long until you’ll know something?”

“I’m not sure, Sir. Why don’t you sit down and we’ll let you know when we know something?”

Smoothly Kevin stepped closer to the desk, never letting go of Brian’s shoulder. “We’ll surely do that, ma’am, in just a moment. First I would like to suggest that you call your security department and get them to send some extra men down here.”

His comment seemed to honestly surprise the woman. She looked at her colleagues as if to ask them what to do before looking back at Kevin. “Excuse me, Sir?”

Brian turned dull eyes to her. “The guy you have back there is AJ Mclean of the Backstreet Boys. I’m Brian and this is my cousin Kevin, part of the same group. If the press finds out about AJ being here, and somehow they always do, you’re going to be overrun with reporters before you know it.”

He turned and walked away from the desk, allowing Kevin to deal with this part of things. His brain couldn’t focus on it long enough to deal with those kinds of details. All he could think of was the man lying back in the OR somewhere in pain because his, Brian’s, father had gone insane. _Please, God, let him be ok!_ Brian prayed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Holy fucking Christ but he _hurt_. Whoever said that a gunshot went numb was fucking insane. AJ lay on the gurney and gritted his teeth as someone pressed down on his shoulder. He wished he had the strength to lift his arms and punch the fucker away. Didn’t they know that pushing on a fucking _gunshot wound_ would hurt? Were they really that stupid?

Someone was taking hold of his free hand, and AJ saw the needle through half open eyes only seconds before it entered his skin. Shit. Shit. God that hurt! He kept his mouth shut, though. A small part of him knew that they were only trying to put an IV in. Everything seemed to be spinning around him. Lights were flashing overhead, blinding him.

“BP’s dropping, 60/40.” Someone shouted. Another voice yelled “His body is going into shock. Let’s get him under, now!”

A blessed blackness was settling over him. AJ felt the weight of the medication as it started to suck him under where nothing really hurt. His last thought was of Brian; hoping that his lover was ok.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For about the millionth time Brian paced the length of the waiting room. AJ had been back in the OR for four hours already and no one could tell him anything! It was slowly driving him mad. Didn’t they understand that this was his fiancée back there? Didn’t they know that he needed to know how AJ was?

Kevin had already called Howie and Nick and the two were on their way. They’d arrive in a few hours if everything went smoothly on their flights. Until then, Kevin and Brian were left pacing and waiting and wondering.

Sure enough, press had showed up. How they got word of these things was always a mystery, but not a major concern of Brian’s. He’d known they would come. They always did. But hospital security as well as police were keeping them penned up outside. Kevin had even placed a call in to a nearby firm that hired out bodyguards they had used before when there had been serious issues while at home. Two burly men they knew, Mike and Tim, showed up not even fifteen minutes after the call and took up station by the ER entrance.

What Brian hadn’t been expecting was to see the door from the outside open and his parents come rushing inside. For a split second shock had Brian completely frozen. Rage like he had never known filled him next, taking away all coherent thought.

“What the _hell_ do you think you’re doing here?” he swore at them. Anger had him striding forward. It was only Kevin darting forward and grabbing him that stopped him from charging his father. Still, it didn’t stop Brian from cursing him up one side and down the other. “Haven’t you done enough? Haven’t you hurt him enough? You have no right to be here! _None_! How dare you show your damn face in this hospital and try and look sorry to me!”

Jackie put a shaking hand over her mouth as tears streamed from her eyes. “Brian, baby, please…” she pleaded through her tears. “Please. How’s he doing?”

“We have no fucking idea!” Brian snapped out. His fury was not directed at his mother. It was all centered on the pale, shaking man before him. A man that he had never thought capable of doing something like this. “He’s been back there for two Goddamn hours and I still don’t know a damn thing. Does that make you happy, Dad? His mom won’t even come to the hospital, even though Kevin called her. She disowned him for loving me. You probably approve of that bullshit, don’t you!”

Harold’s face was as pale as a ghost. He was holding tightly to his wife’s hand in anguish. “I never meant, I was angry, but I didn’t mean….I didn’t mean to pull the trigger. I was angry and trying to stop your mom from taking it and it went off. I swear I didn’t mean….please, Brian…”

“Save it.” Brian snarled out. “Get the hell out of here and go tell someone who actually gives a shit. Maybe they’ll believe you because I sure as hell don’t. You have no right to be here. None. I want you gone right the fuck now.” He was quivering with rage, ready to explode on them. All the pain that he’d been feeling the past two hours transformed into this all-consuming anger.

“Brian…” The pleading in Harold’s voice might as well have fallen on deaf ears. Brian wanted nothing to do with it. Furious, he looked over to Mike and Tim. “Will one of you escort my parents out of here, please? They were just leaving and I’d like them to get safely to their car.”

“Yes, Mr. Littrell.” The taller of the two, Tim, stepped forward and gestured the couple to the door. With heavy hearts and tears in their eyes they silently followed him.

Anger had Brian spinning and pacing away from there, finally free from Kevin’s restraining arms. He could barely contain himself. When one of the nurses came over, though, he felt his stomach drop straight down to his toes. Was there news? He couldn’t talk, couldn’t move. Everything in him locked down with that overwhelming fear for his lover.

“Mr. Littrell? Mr. Richardson? The hospital secured a room down the hall for you. It’s one of our private waiting rooms. That way you won’t be hounded and have photos snapped as you wait. It’ll give you privacy as well to speak any way you wish. When your other two friends show up then we’ll send them right on back to you.”

What? They still had no news? Brian swallowed convulsively as the nurse started to lead the way to the private waiting room. Kevin had his arm around Brian’s shoulders to help direct him as well as to support him.

Brian felt himself go into a trance for a moment. When he finally shook his head and cleared it, he realized that they were in the new private waiting room and it was just him and Kevin. When had the nurse left? He’d wanted to ask her about AJ. Why hadn’t anyone told him about AJ? “I want to ask her…I just…”

“It’s ok, Bri. I asked her. He’s still back in surgery right now.” Kevin told him softly.

Still back in surgery? How long was this going to take? How much damage was there? In the movies a shot to the shoulder always seemed to be something easy. People lived through them just fine. But movies were movies. What was it like in real life? He had no idea. Would he be ok from this? How much damage would it have done to his arm? He had to be ok. He just had to be. Brian didn’t realize that he’d frantically spoken those words out loud until Kevin was gripping his arms tightly. “He will be ok, Bri. He is one tough nut.”

“Tough or not, Kev, he was shot! God, Dad shot him! How could he do that?”

“I know, Bri.”

“No you don’t.” Brian snapped out, taking a step back. He felt the anger coming back and couldn’t keep it under control. It overflowed and boiled out of him. “How the hell could you know or understand? Did you dad shoot the person you love? No matter if it was intentional or an accident like he said. He fucking shot him, Kevin! He hated the idea of us being together that much that he actually shot my boyfriend! How can people be that homophobic? How can my own father be like that?”

“I don’t know, Bri. I’m so sorry, honey. I am so sorry you have to live through something like this. But I have faith that he’ll be ok. You need to have faith too.”

“Faith?” The word screeched out of Brian. “You want me to have faith? Are you fucking kidding me?”

Kevin tried to step closer, to wrap his arms around his cousin and hold him, but Brian was too far gone to let him. He shoved backward, trying to get free. “Don’t touch me!” he shouted at Kevin. “Don’t you touch me!”

Kevin didn’t pay attention to what Brian was saying. He could see that his cousin was at the breaking point and knew that he was only held together by a little thread. Never before had he seen Brian be this close to just snapping. He was strong, but everyone had their breaking point. So he simply kept stepping forward, intending to take Brian into his arms and hold him close.

But Brian didn’t want the tenderness. He knew that if Kevin was tender with him than he would finally break and he didn’t want to. “I said back off, Kevin.” He snarled threateningly.

His cousin did something then that he didn’t expect. He launched forward and wrapped his arms around Brian’s waist, pinning his arms to his sides and holding on tight. Brian tried to buck and break free but Kevin’s grip was tight. “Let go of me!” he shouted. “Dammit, Kev, let me go! Now!”

“You let go.” Kevin whispered into his ear. He fought hard to keep control of Brian, sinking down to the ground with him when Brian tried to break free that way. “Don’t hold it in, Bri. Just let it go. I’m here for you. I’ve got you. You don’t have to be strong. Just let it go, let it out.”

“I don’t want to!” Brian screamed. But the tears were coming whether he liked it or not. Being in the safety of Kevin’s arms, the cousin who had become like a brother, he knew he was safe to break. It was getting harder and harder to resist. “I’m terrified!”

Soothingly Kevin started to rock them back and forth on the floor. Just that tenderness was enough to break the last of Brian’s control. On his knees on the floor he bent at the waist, over Kevin’s hands, and the sobs tore free from him. Kevin just shifted his grip to better be able to hold him and offer comfort. “That’s it, Bri. Just let go.”

Let go he did. The tears came hot and hard and fast, tore from that place deep inside that was hurting more than it ever had before. He sobbed and sobbed for his lover, for himself, for everything. “Why won’t they tell us what’s going on, Kev? I need to know he’s ok. Please! I have to know he’s ok!”

“I know, honey, I know. As soon as they know they’ll tell us. I’ll be right here with you. You’re not alone in this.”

Brian turned enough that he could bury his head against Kevin’s chest. The tears were slowing but the pain was still there. “If anything happens to him I don’t know what I’ll do. He’s my life. My world. He’s everything to me. We, we’re getting married. He can’t leave me, right? He has to marry me. He said he would.”

“AJ never goes back on his promises.” Kevin said soothingly. “If I know him at all than he’ll fight with everything he has to stick around. He worked hard to get where you guys are. He was so excited about proposing to you. He won’t just give that up without a fight. He’s a tough nut, honey.”

Another voice interrupted them, bringing the two men back to the present. They lifted their heads to see a doctor standing in the doorway. The front of his scrubs were covered in blood. Brian tried to stand but found that his knees wouldn’t support him. They felt like they were made of jelly. “Alex…” he moaned out.”

“Mr. Mclean made it through surgery.” The doctor told him quickly. “The bullet went through, but it did damage on the way. It fractured part of his humerus as well as his clavicle. We had to install some pins in there and remove some bone fragments. He’ll go through some physical therapy to gain back some mobility, but his arm will never be the same again. Once he wakes up we’re going to keep him in a sling so he doesn’t use this arm for a while so that it has a chance to heal. But so long as he stays healthy, he can leave in about 7-10 days. He’s a rather strong individual. He did quite well in surgery.”

Relief was like a drug running through Brian. He couldn’t see, couldn’t think beyond it. Panic and exhaustion combined with the relief, making his head spin. Brian didn’t hear another word as his brain and body finally gave in to the stress it had been under and sucked him into the darkness.

NEXT PART

When AJ woke from his anesthesia there was really nothing he wanted to do more than go back to sleep. Fire burned in his shoulder, a low heat that was muted under the drugs in his system. But it was enough to let him know that, when the medication wore off, he was going to hurt like hell. But he kept quiet as he lay there, slowly coming back to himself. The more he came out from the anesthesia the more he started to hurt but he gritted his teeth and kept it inside.

When he closed his eyes for a bit he drifted again. The next time he opened them he was in a different room, this one obviously a private room. The fog on his brain wasn’t as heavy as it had been before. He was more coherent.  He remembered, clearly, what had happened. Fucking hell, Brian’s dad had shot him in the shoulder. The shoulder!  That son of a bitch.

Poor Brian! He could only imagine how Brian was feeling. If he knew him at all he would bet that Brian was battling with the worst kind of guilt ever. It wasn’t his fault, but Brian wouldn’t see it like that. He’d take on the guilt since it was his dad who had done it.

Licking lips that had gone dry, AJ looked around his room, hoping to see someone. There was no one there. Dammit, where was Brian? He pushed the pain to the back of his mind as best as he could. With the arm that didn’t hurt he reached out and pressed the call button on the side of his bed. Not even a full minute later a nurse came in.

“Mr. Mclean! You’re awake!” the woman exclaimed happily. She walked right over to start checking his vitals. “How’re you feeling? How’s your pain level?”

“Fine.” AJ croaked out. His throat felt just as dry as his lips. Hearing this, the nurse held out a cup for him to drink from. AJ gratefully sucked on the straw, taking little drinks as she directed. When he finally had moisture back in his mouth and throat he laid his head back. “My pains fine. Where’s Brian?”

“Pardon?”

Turning his head toward her, AJ gave her a serious look. “I know he’s got to be out there somewhere. Brian Littrell. I want to see him.”

The nurse checked his bandage efficiently as she answered him. “I’m sorry, Mr. Mclean, but only family is allowed back. You had a serious surgery today. I’ll send the doctor in to speak with you shortly if you feel up to it. You’ve been in and out, slowly waking up, for a couple hours now.”

A couple hours? Surgery? Fuck! That would give Brian plenty of time to build up a guilt trip. If he wasn’t careful there was a small chance Brian might talk himself out of being with him. He couldn’t let that happen! A gunshot pain was nothing compared to the pain of losing Brian. He had felt that once before; he knew which he would rather live through. “That’s all good and well but I want him back here. He is my family. He’s my fiancée.”

“Let me fetch the doctor. Once you talk to him you’ll feel better, I’m sure.”

Before he could protest again the woman had disappeared out the door. AJ scowled after her. She had completely ignored him. Annoyed, AJ looked at the buttons on his bed. He found the one he wanted, raising the back of his bed a little more so he wasn’t so slanted and was more upright. Just as he did, the door opened and the doctor strolled in.

“Well, I’m glad to see you awake! You gave us quite a scare for a while on the table, Mr. Mclean. How’s your pain doing? We can adjust the medication if you’re hurting too much.” The doctor informed him. He was a young fellow to be a doctor, maybe in his thirties. Bald as can be, but with a smiling face and happy eyes. AJ didn’t really care.

“What you can do for me is to get me my fiancée. I want to see him.”

The doctor, his tag read Dr. James, shook his head. “I’m sorry, Mr. Mclean, but only family is allowed back here. I can’t permit your…boyfriend…to be back here.” He explained, some of his smile slipping. AJ didn’t miss the way his voice caught on the word ‘boyfriend’. So that was the way of things. Well, God damn it, he had just been fucking shot and sewed back together and he wasn’t in the mood to deal with someone’s homophobia!

AJ grabbed a hold of the bed railing and pulled himself more erect. As soon as his back left the bed, forcing him to sit up and bear his own weight, pain exploded in his left shoulder. He gritted his teeth against it and turned, letting his legs swing off the bed. God bless the sling they had him in. Without that he would have been in tears.

Dr. James rushed forward, putting a hand on AJ’s good shoulder. “Mr. Mclean, please! Lay back down or you’re going to tear your stitches and damage the work we’ve done. There was quite a bit of damage in your shoulder that we had to repair. The last thing you need is to be upright and moving!”

With strength of will born by anger he swatted the doctors hand away and grabbed hold of the bed railing as he put his weight on his feet. His legs wobbled but held underneath him. The pain in his shoulder intensified enough that he gasped in air, which only made it hurt worse. Dr. James pushed on his good shoulder, sitting him back on the bed. “I must insist that you stay in bed. You are not ready to be up and walking about yet!”

“Then I suggest you go and get Brian for me before I walk down the God damn hallway and get him myself!” AJ bellowed out at him. “It is my right to have him come see me and your homophobia is not going to get in the way of that!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

The sound of shouting caught Brian’s attention. The nurse had just left after letting them know that AJ was awake again and doing well. Howie and Nick had arrived by then and the four of them sat inside the private waiting room, waiting until they had permission to visit. Which, from the way the nurse was acting, wasn’t going to be any time soon.

Ignoring his friend’s conversation, Brian stood up and moved to the door. That voice sounded like AJ. But what on earth would he be shouting for? Not realizing that the others had gone quiet and were listening as well. Brian opened the door and stepped into the hallway, looking curiously down the hall. There it was again!

That _did_ sound like AJ. But what would he be yelling for? Brian ignored everyone else and started to step down the hallway. His friends followed behind him. As they got further down the hall the yelling started to become clearer. They rounded a corner and the words were suddenly understandable.

“I don’t give a flying fuck what you think or what your _God_ _damn_ hospital policy is!” A slight pause, and then AJ was louder still. “You prejudice bastard! I want to see him and I want to see him right the fuck now!”

A blush filled Brian’s cheeks. Behind him the guys started to chuckle. “I’d say someone wants to see you.” Kevin teased him lightly.

There was a loud roar that took away all their laughter and had them hurrying forward. Someone tried to step in front of them, saying “You can’t be back here!” But Brian just brushed around her and kept going, following the voices. He found AJ’s room easily enough and opened the door despite the nurse who was now tugging on his arm and insisting that he had to leave.

Brian’s mouth dropped open for a split second as he saw the scene in the hospital room. AJ was at the edge of his bed, swaying on his feet, one hand holding on to the bed railing. His eyes were tight with pain and anger both and his skin was so pale he was almost a ghost. He wore only his hospital gown but underneath it on the left shoulder there was a large bulge from the bandage. The lower part of his arm was held in a sling against his chest.

The doctor was standing in front of him, trying to physically help him back into bed. It was obviously where AJ needed to be. But Brian could see that he was resisting with everything he had, which wasn’t very much right then. The doctor was trying to talk over AJ, telling him that he needed to get back in bed before he tore his stitches and AJ was shouting right back at him. It was both heart breaking and wonderful to see AJ.

Shaking the nurse off his arm, Brian stepped the rest of the way into the room and folded his arms across his chest. Right then he needed to focus on getting AJ back into bed. “Alexander James Mclean, do you have to shout down the whole hospital?” Brian scolded. He didn’t shout or holler, but spoke in an even, firm voice. It had the instantaneous effect of shutting AJ up.

Love filled AJ’s gaze as it snapped over to Brian and focused on him. “Brian.” He said softly.

The doctor turned to face him, his face still set in angry lines. He took a step away from AJ. “I’m sorry but you can’t be in here. This part of the hospital we only allow family to visit the guests.” He said firmly. Brian just ignored him and strode forward. Uncrossing his arms he placed his hands on his hips. “What on earth are you doing out of bed? In case you didn’t know you were shot and went through surgery.”

“Someone mentioned it.” AJ chuckled weakly. Now that the anger was gone he looked even paler, if that was possible.

Brian rolled his eyes and took hold of AJ’s good arm, helping to boost him back into the bed. “Then get back in there right now. You’re supposed to be resting, not shouting so loud that I could hear you hallways away.”

In short order Brian had him sitting back in bed and had helped lift his legs back up. With calm movements he pulled the blanket up and tucked it in around AJ’s waist. Then he brought a hand up, brushing it across his face.

AJ gave him a small smile that held a hint of pain around its edges. “I couldn’t help it.” He murmured in a deep, raspy voice. “I can’t stand homophobia. I wanted to see you. Had to know you were ok.”

“So you potentially injure yourself in the process?” Brian scolded him. Inside he was almost glowing at the thought that when AJ woke up his first thought was for him. It was a wonderful compliment, and so like AJ that he had to smile. “Well, I’m here now. Let me take care of things, ok? I won’t have you hurting yourself more. Let me get someone in here to do something about your pain, baby. I can see how much you’re hurting.”

“No narcotics.” There was a fierce look in AJ’s eyes, yet it held a note of pleading. It took just a second for Brian to realize what his lover meant. When he did his whole being softened. He leaned in and kissed AJ’s forehead. “No, no narcotics, baby.”

When AJ closed his eyes, content to rest for a moment, Brian turned to face the room. Kevin and the doctor were currently arguing in hushed tones near the door. “Excuse me!” Brian called out, gaining their attention. The doctor, he saw his name was Dr. James, turned to face him with an angry expression on his face. “You cannot be back here. I will call security to remove you if I need to.” He instantly told them.

Brian gave him a steady glare. “Oh, we’re going to be calling someone. I want the hospital administrator down here within the next fifteen minutes or I will walk right out those front doors to where all the reporters are waiting for news on the famous AJ Mclean and I will tell them that the doctor that treated him is a homophobic who won’t allow the patients significant other into the room because of his bias. Take your pick on which one it’ll be.”

“Are you blackmailing me?”

“You’re down to fourteen minutes, doctor.” Brian told him, looking down at his watch. “I suggest you hurry.”

Confident that what he wanted would be doe, Brian turned back to his fiancée and ignored everything else. He picked up the cup of water, holding it out to AJ. “Take a few sips for me, baby. You probably burned your throat out shouting so loudly.”

Content now that he had what he wanted, AJ drank from the cup before resting his head back again. He really was hurting, quite a bit, and without the anger there to help keep it at bay it was starting to get to him. “Hurts.” He mumbled into the quiet room.

Brian ran his hand over AJ’s forehead again. “I know, baby. Someone will be here soon to help, I promise.”

“M’kay. Don’t leave.”

A smile curved Brian’s lips. He couldn’t resist leaning down and kissing him. “I’m not going anywhere unless they force me. Don’t you worry about it. Just rest for now, ok?” Very quietly he started to sing, any songs that came to mind. Anything to keep AJ distracted. It seemed to work because AJ’s eyes drifted shut again and his lips were curved in a small smile.

With one minute remaining Dr. James and another man walked into the hospital room. The other man was much older, maybe in his early fifties with completely silver hair. His face had the lines of a person who had smiled and laughed plenty in his life. By the suit he wore, Brian knew this was the guy he wanted.

“What’s going on here?” the man said firmly as he stepped into the room.  He walked with an air of confidence about him, testament to the fact that he ran this place. “I’m being told that you’re refusing to leave this hospital room. This patient may be your friend but we have rules and regulations here that must be followed.”

Brian looked over to his three friends. They moved to stand by the bed with AJ while Brian took a step forward. “I understand that you have rules, sir. But I also know that we have rights. One of which is to be treated with courtesy and respect. To not be subjected to someone’s prejudices.”

“Prejudices?” The man boomed out at him.

“Yes. Under normal circumstances, if a person had been shot and was in their own private room, would it be permitted for a fiancée to visit them? Especially if the patient is severely agitated and trying to leave their room and seeing their fiancée is all they want?”

The administrator gave him a firm look but he nodded. “It isn’t policy, but a fiancée is about the same as a spouse. With a situation like you’ve described, it would indeed be in the patient’s best interest to bring in the person they so desire to see. Any doctor would do it.”

It was all Brian could do not to shoot a smug look to Dr. James. “Your patient here is my fiancée. Just because we’re a gay couple does not mean that we’re not entitled to the same rights as everyone else. But your Doctor has issues with homosexuality and so he would not allow me back here, despite the fact that my partner was trying to walk out of the room in his effort to see me.”

From over in the bed AJ rolled his head toward them. His voice was weak when he spoke. “He told me that hospitals don’t recognized perverse unions as being legal or legitimate and he was not required to honor it.”

The administrator looked around the room at them all before focusing his gaze on a suddenly nervous Dr. James. “You, report to my office. We’ll discuss this there.” Once Dr. James was gone, the older man turned back to Brian. “You, keep your man in bed, would you? I don’t need a constant ruckus back here. The rest of you can’t stay, though. I can only bend policy so much. I’ll have a new doctor assigned to this case.”

Brian finally gave the man a smile. “Also , if you don’t mind.” He added on. “I know I put it in his paperwork, but there seems to have been a mix up. AJ’s a recovering addict, so he doesn’t take narcotics for pain, but they have him hooked up to a morphine pump. Can we get something else in here for him? He won’t press that button for the pain relief.”

“I’ll set someone on it.” He assured them all. The man moved toward the door. He paused there, giving them one final wry look. “I suggest you others say your goodbyes quickly. You’ll have about ten minutes until the new doctor arrives, and I’m only putting down permission for Mr. Littrell here to visit.” That said, he turned and left the room.

NEXT PART

Kevin, Howie and Nick crowded quickly around the bed, all of them wanting to get a chance to at least speak to AJ before they had to leave. AJ opened his eyes slightly and gave them a weak smile. “Hey, fellas. Fancy seeing you here.” He rasped.

Smiles split all their faces. Howie reached out and rested his hand on AJ’s good one. “I hear they had to put some pins and shit in you. We always knew you had a few screws loose, J. Just didn’t know it was in your shoulder.”

“Shove it, fucker.” But he was smiling as he said it. Rolling his head toward Kevin, and wincing at the flash of pain it sent over his shoulder, AJ gave his older friend a grin. “When you guys leave you keep an eye on Brian for me, ok? Don’t let him go do anything stupid.”

Kevin reached out and brushed a hand over AJ”s hair. “No problem, kid. I know how his temper works. I’ll watch him.” He promised. There was a strong brotherly love in his face right then. The kid remark might have bothered AJ on any other day, but he was too rummy to really worry about it then.

Just to keep AJ smiling, Brian put his hands on his hips again. “Excuse me?” He said indignantly. “I am an adult and am perfectly capable of taking care of myself. Need I remind you that I’m the older of us in the relationship, Mr. Mclean?”

“Hell, you’re a bigger kid than I am.”

From the foot of the bed Nick started to laugh. “You’re both a pair of kids and that’s all there is to it.” He remarked happily. Everyone joined in his laughter; even AJ chuckled weakly. But they all knew their time was short, so they moved to say their goodbyes.  Kevin carefully bent down and hugged him, making sure not to touch his bad shoulder. Next was Howie, who bent and kissed the top of his head, whispering “Take it easy, ok? You were shot. That’ll take a little healing. An don’t you go scaring me like that again or I’ll kick your ass.”

“I’ll work on that, D.” He joked with him.

Nick was last, all nerves. He didn’t want to hug AJ for fear of hitting his shoulder so he just kind of stood awkwardly beside the bed. It was AJ who reached out and took his hand, squeezing it. “I’m ok, Nick. It’s just healing time now. I’ll be fine.”

“You scared me.”

“I know. Scared me too. But I’ll get better. Bri will make sure I take it easy. In the meantime, you’re on Howie prank detail for me since I’m not there to do it.”

That had Nick smiling again. The three men left the room joking with one another, and Nick promising AJ that he’d play plenty of jokes on Howie while he was gone, much to Howie’s protests. Watching them leave, Brian shook his head. “You know Howie’s going to kill you for giving Nick that idea, right?”

“He won’t kill me. I was shot.”

Even as the words tore at his insides like razors Brian couldn’t resist a chuckle. “You intend to use that to your full advantage, don’t you?”

AJ’s eyes were full of humor and love as they locked on to Brian. “Pretty much. It’ll come in handy. Plus, maybe if I say it enough you won’t wince every time I do. Eventually you’ll adjust to the fact.” He said. The words surprised Brian. He realized that they shouldn’t have. Sometimes AJ was way more perceptive than he liked to let on. He saw things that others didn’t simply because he looked. Add on that he knew Brian better than anyone and it was really hard to hide things from him.

Carefully Brian lowered the bed rail so he could sit on the side of the bed, against AJ’s uninjured side. They clasped hands as they smiled at one another. “It’s going to take me a while to just get past it, Alex. My dad…”

“Ah, ah, ah. No.” AJ told him firmly. “I don’t want to hear you having a guilt trip. That’s the other reason I wanted you to come back here. I just knew you’d be out there beating yourself up over this. Let me say one thing and you better be listening to me. This. Is. Not. Your. Fault. Your dad did this, not you.”

“I took you in there, though, knowing that he could get angry. You were so nervous and you were right to be. I should have trusted you and let you take a walk or something or wait at a hotel.”

“Brian Littrell, are you going to tell me that you could have predicted that he’d shoot me?” AJ demanded sternly.

“No, but…”

AJ cut him off. “No but’s is right. You had no idea he’d go a little unhinged. When he did start to threaten me, you didn’t let him. You or Kevin. You shielded me out the door and when we thought it was safe we ran. Hell, with as good a shot as I’ve heard you say your dad is, I’m still not convinced that he meant to hit me. I think if he had he would have aimed a little better.”

His words had a sobering effect on Brian. He thought back to what his dad had said when he’d showed up at the hospital earlier. “Dad and Mom stopped by to find out how you were.” He spoke slowly and softly, his eyes on their hands. “You were still in the OR so we didn’t know. Dad said that Mom was trying to take the gun from him and it just went off, not that he meant to shoot you.”

“Well, there you go.”

Brian looked up at AJ’s eyes and was amazed at what he saw there. It was plain to see that AJ believed the explanation and accepted it. “You forgive him, don’t you? How do you take that in such stride?” Brian whispered.

“Well, first things first, I don’t see your dad as the type to really stand there and shoot someone for being different. Threaten, yes, so that I would leave. But to actually do it? That’s another matter entirely. Two, this really hot religious dude I know always preached to his friends that forgiveness is divine. Third, your family is not liars, so if that’s what he said then that’s what happened. Now, would you stop feeling so damn guilty? There’s no reason.”

“I can’t make it go away just because you say so, Alex.” But Brian did feel slightly better. There was something about AJ’s no nonsense way of saying it all that had started to ease that tight knot in Brian’s chest.

Before he realized what he was doing, AJ started to shrug. What color he had gained back drained from his face and he snapped his mouth shut to hold in the scream that wanted to build. Instead of letting that scream free, he laid his head back against his pillow and stared up at the ceiling, cursing steadily inside his head until the pain started to fade. It was only then that he realized that he was squeezing Brian’s hand as well. Apologetically he looked at his fiancée and loosened his grip.

About that time the next doctor walked into the room, wheeling a cart with him. This fellow was wearing a wide smile that AJ instantly liked. He looked close to his mid to late thirties and with a build a lot like Kevin’s. Same height, almost same weight and frame. But his hair was the same blond as Brian’s and flat as a board back to his ponytail. Cornflower blue eyes held the light of someone who led a happy life and didn’t let things get them down.

The doctor walked right over and stuck a hand out to Brian first, then AJ. “Well hello guys. My names Mark, please feel free to call me that. No need to add the Dr. to the beginning of it, either. Just Mark will do.” He said in a cheerful voice.

AJ liked this guy already. “Nice to meet you, Mark.”

“Same goes here, though I wish it was under better circumstances.” Mark turned to the cart he brought and grabbed a bag, switching it with the one that was already hooked to AJ’s IV. “This is tramadol, which is a nice substitute for morphine and, if we monitor it closely, will not become addictive to you.” He explained as he made the adjustments. “It’s what I had when I had my surgery, and I don’t take narcotics either. Before I was your age I made friends with heroin. Twenty years clean now, but I’m still cautious.”

Once he was done, Mark turned to grin at the surprised looks on their faces. He was a bubbly person, they could easily see that, and apparently wasn’t shy in the least bit. AJ was already enjoying him. Brian was going between surprised and amusement.

Mark grabbed a stool and rolled it to the bedside. He set his chart on his knees and made a few notes before smiling at them again. “I’ll be blunt, because I feel you guys deserve it. Our administrator picked me as your doctor not just for my astonishingly wonderful medical skills, though they are quite exemplary.”

AJ flashed a wide grin at Brian. “Oh, I like him.” He teased.

“It’s not just because I’m a fan, either, though I’ve enjoyed your music for a while. It’s also because I have the experience of being an ex-addict, so I know how that part works for you from personal experience. An he was worried about how others might treat you two for being a homosexual couple and he didn’t want the bad press you threatened James with. He doesn’t have to worry about us clashing there, because I’ve been with my life partner for eleven years now. It would be silly if I was rude to you for being gay when I’m on the fruity side, myself.”

Mark grinned at them as the two laughed. When they calmed a little he nodded. “I think we’ll get along perfectly. I may shamelessly ask you for an autograph before you leave, but otherwise you’ll be treated normally here. Your surgery went well, but the healing will take a little while. Seven to ten days here, I think, and then you’re to take it easy. Keep in that sling for a while. A few months down the road we’ll start your PT. We want to give things a chance to heal first. Once you’re home we’ll give you small mobility exercises to do to keep you from getting too stiff.”

“All in all how long am I going to be out of commission?” AJ asked him worriedly. He looked at Mark and decided to be as honest as he had been. “We’re on break from tour for two and a half weeks. Will I be able to get back on stage then?”

“So long as it doesn’t require you doing much of anything with your left arm than I don’t see why not. But you’ll have to take it easy and you’ll have to stay up on yours medication and exercises.”

AJ’s eyes started to drift shut almost against his will. Seeing that, Mark smiled at them. “I’ll be back in to visit later on. Why don’t you rest a little now? It’s been a rough day.”

Rest sounded like a good idea. Before Mark was even out the door, AJ was asleep.


	4. Chapter 4

Over the next week Brian was at the hospital every single day, staying from morning until they booted him out at night. He stayed at a hotel near the hospital with his friends and gave them updates for the first day when no one else was allowed in. After that they put AJ into a private room in a wing of the hospital that actually allowed the others in to see him.

It became common for them to gather in his room for most of the day. The nursing staff loved coming into the room. They usually ended up laughing with them all and witnessing some hilarious jokes. They also witnessed the loving moments between Brian and AJ. It was bound to happen, and the two didn’t care in the least, but someone on the staff leaked it to the press. The administrator came down to see them, apologizing to them for the leak and saying that they were determined to find out who had leaked not only their sexual status, but the story of the accident.

They tried to reassure him that it didn’t really matter.  It would have happened one way or another. That was just part of being in the lifestyle that they lived. You accepted that it would happen to you. What was really amazing was how long they’d kept it quiet.

On AJ’s seventh day there, Brian arrived at his hospital room to find AJ sitting up in the rocking chair they kept there, talking to Tony, making the other man laugh. On the third day at the hospital Mark had brought his life partner Tony in, at AJ’s insistence. Tony was a fan and so AJ had wanted to meet him. Surprisingly, both Brian and AJ had found that they really like the man. He was kind and sweet; a southern gentleman to the bone. Just as blond as Mark, with eyes that were a bright green, he was also a handsome man. He had an easy laugh and a personality to him that was just so likeable. They had come to like Mark as well. They had a feeling that even after AJ left they would still keep in contact with the couple.

“Hey, Tony.” Brian called out as he walked in. “He picking on you again?”

“Always.” Flashing a smile, Tony sat back a little on the couch against the wall. “I swear sometimes he can be as bad as Mark.” This was said with both love and exasperation. It was obvious to anyone who saw the couple talk about one another that their love was strong.

Brian bent down when he reached AJ and gave him a quick kiss. “You haven’t seen anything yet. Alex is on his best behavior here. You should see him on the road.” He teased as he took a seat on the couch by Tony.

“I shudder to think of it.” Tony joked back.

Pretending to glare, AJ shook a finger at Brian. “Don’t you be telling stories on me and think you can come off looking pure as snow here, lover.” He snorted and leaned back a little. “Don’t let him fool you, Tony. This man is evil when he wants. Him and Nick together? Talk about shuddering. For a while it wasn’t safe to wash your hair unless you tested your shampoo first.”

“Hey!” Brian exclaimed. “Don’t think I forgot about the shaving cream in my shoes. They were brand new!”

“I deny to my very end that I ever did that.” AJ put a hand over his heart and tried to look innocent, failing miserably. The sparkle in his eyes gave him away. “But you have to admit; whoever did it to you was smart. The look on your face when you stuffed your feet in there was priceless.”

Brian put on a long suffering expression and looked at Tony. “Do you see what I have to live with? And I agreed to marry this man!” He shook his head as if the idea baffled him. Tony laid his head back, laughing hysterically.

Smirking, AJ blew a kiss. “You know you love me.”

“Everyone has their faults.” Brian shot back.

“Hey! I have half a mind to boot you out of here, talking to me like that.”

“As if. What would you do without me?” Batting his eyes, Brian gave his corniest smile ever.

Smiling back, AJ promptly replied “Starve.”

Tony laughed even harder then. He shook his head at the banter between them. “Now you sound like Mark.” He said with a chuckle. “That man can’t boil water without burning it. It’s a good thing I’m a chef or he would never eat. He can cut someone open and piece them together, but ask him to cook dinner and you’re doomed. The ‘patient’ dies every time.”

“Hey now!” A voice called from the doorway. Three eyes turned to look and found Mark standing there with his chart. “What’s all this? Picking on the doctor when he’s not around. Don’t believe a thing he says about me. It’s all lies!” While they all laughed he came further into the room, perching on the edge of the bed. Since he was working he didn’t lean over and kiss his partner, but they shared a look full of love before Mark turned his gaze to AJ. “Here I am coming to give you good news and I find you in laughing at me behind my back. For shame, Alex. For shame.”

Since they had started to talk beyond patient and doctor, AJ had insisted that they call him Alex. It felt right to him. These were friends that knew him for who he was. Around Mark and Tony, even though they were fans, they didn’t get treated like Brian and AJ of the Backstreet Boys. In a short time they had all become friends, and were treated like Brian and Alex, a couple they were friends with. It was a nice feeling for both AJ and Brian.

“Good news? Am I free?” AJ asked excitedly.

Mark winked and handed some papers to AJ. When AJ saw what they were he let out a loud shout. “Awesome! My discharge papers! I’m free! Freeeeeee!” He hopped up from his chair, carefully not jarring the arm in the sling, and did a little dance. Thankfully they had allowed him to wear his own clothes the past few days, so he was in blue jeans, but he still had the hospital shirt on. It was easier to get over his arm since it had snaps on the sleeves.

“You’re free, but what I said still applies, Alex. Do not be lifting things until I see you again in a month. Keep that arm in the sling until then. I only want you to take it off to shower and to do the mobility stretches we taught you. Only once a day, mind. I’ll be checking in with Brian to make sure you’re following orders.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll remember.” Waving a hand at him, AJ continued to dance around the room. Brian rolled his eyes and gave Mark an amused expression. “I’ll watch him. If he does too much I’ll just bash him over the head and haul him to the bedroom.”

AJ froze in mid dance step. He turned to look at Brian and the look on his face was both a smile and a leer. “Hey now, that sounds promising. Will you spank me too?”

Rolling his eyes, Mark stood back up even as he chuckled at them. “Just remember, Alex. No lifting, no moving too much. Keep away from trying to do things that might stress your shoulder. No bending to lift things with your good hand. Let someone else get stuff like that for you. You’ll have to keep sex to some easier positions as well.” The last part he tacked on quietly, in case anyone outside the room was listening, but AJ, Brian and Tony all heard and started to laugh.

Now that he was free, AJ wasted no time in getting ready to go. He got a prescription filled at the pharmacy in the hospital and had it in his bag with the rest of his clothes. Tony walked with them through the hospital and toward the front.

“You sure you don’t want to slip out the back?” Tony offered them. His expression was kind. “I can bring my car back there and help you guys get out of here.”

Brian put a hand on his shoulder as he thanked his friend. “We know how the press works. They won’t back off unless they get something. Alex and I are going to talk to them. Plus, if they know he’s going home, or, well, back to the tour, they’ll leave the hospital alone finally. We don’t want to leave them here hounding innocent people.”

Before they had left the room, Mark had given AJ a different sling to wear out and about. A restrictive sling with a waist belt that basically strapped his arm to his abdomen so there was no chance of moving it. Thankfully it was warm enough outside that they didn’t need to worry about putting him in a coat, so he was able to just keep on the hospital shirt.

Taking a deep breath, Brian took hold of AJ’s right hand as they stepped into the front lobby. Cameras instantly started to flash through the glass doors outside, though the press was kept behind barriers a short distance away from the doors to better be able to allow patients inside.

“Wow.” Tony said softly. His eyes were slightly wide. “I’ve seen how they are outside, but they’re going insane at the sight of you two. Is it always like this?”

“Pretty much.” The couple said at the same time.

Tony shook his head. “I don’t envy you guys as much anymore. I doubt I could live with that. I’d go insane. Everything always on display like that. It would drive me crazy.”

“You adjust after a while.” Brian explained as they continued on to the door. “You don’t think you will, but you do. It almost becomes normal. Some days it still frustrates me, but I’ve learned to accept it as the price to pay for doing what I love. The only thing I love more than singing is Alex.”

The two took a deep breath as they reached the doors. Security was waiting for them and, at their nods, opened the doors and started to usher them all outside. They had talked to security and told them what they wanted to do. There was a grassy portion in front of the hospital that they had gained permission to use. It would allow them to speak as well as keep the press conference out of the way of hospital traffic and personnel.

Once they reached that spot, security and police had already moved some of the barriers, creating a small wall between the boys and the press. The grassy spot was a slight hill, which worked perfectly for their purpose. It put them up just enough to be visible for pictures of the heads of security. As they stepped up there, Tony stayed down by a security guard, out of the way.

Instantly questions were being fired from every direction at once, each reporter clamoring to get theirs answered.

Brian held a hand up, signaling them all to silence. Video cameras were rolling and cameras were flashing, but the crowd silenced. None of them wanted to miss a word of what was said. Once they were quiet, Brian looked around at them all. “AJ is just being released from the hospital and he’s still tired, but we both agree that we’ll answer a few questions. We won’t, however, stand here and create a mob at this hospital. If you wait to be called on and keep calm, we’ll answer as many as we can.”

Hands went up all over the place. Earlier they had decided that it would be Brian who would point and call on people, leading them through this. “You there, with the white cowboy hat. What’s your question?”

“Everyone’s abuzz with the story of your surgery, AJ. Can you tell us what happened? Rumors say that Brian’s father shot you!”

This was one question they had known would come and AJ already had planned what he would say in response. He gave the cameras his easy going smile. “You know that most rumors are based on truth but usually get blown up into something more than they are. Mr. Littrell had a shotgun that discharged accidentally. He did not intend to shoot me. If it was intentional, don’t you think he’d have been arrested by now?”

Someone at the back of the crowd called out “Rumor says he shot you because he found out you and Brian were an item!”

“What did I just say about rumors?” AJ chided them lightly. “People will put the worst spin on things if at all possible. This was just an accident, and one I hold no animosity toward Mr. Littrell over. Next question, please.”

Brian pointed out another person, a female this time. She practically bounced on her heels as she spoke. “Is it true, then, that you two are a couple? That you’ve been keeping your relationship secret for years from everyone around you?”

The two men looked at one another and chuckled. This one, Brian answered. “Years? Is that what’s being said? AJ and I celebrated our one year anniversary in March of this year. We got together at the end of the last tour. We did keep it from people for a while, but that was only so we could have the privacy to see where things went between us. Once we knew it was serious we told our friends and our family. Next we planned to tell our fans. We love one another, and we know we’ll spend the rest of our lives together. We knew that everyone would be happy that we’ve become happy.”

“Is it true you two are engaged? I didn’t know that gay couples were allowed to marry.” Someone called out.

AJ’s grin grew bigger. “In the state of California we’re allowed what they call a domestic partnership. We’ll have a ceremony and everything that goes with it.  We don’t get the same rights as a straight couple, but it’s better than it used to be.”

The questions turned to touring questions for a while. Finally, Brian noticed AJ starting to droop slightly. He still tired easily and his refusal to take too much pain medication made it worse. So he stepped forward and called an end to the questions before directing security to get them out of there. Once they were all settled into Tony’s car and their friend was taking them to their hotel, AJ rested against Brian and yawned. “It felt good to be honest with them all.” He said softly.

Brian smiled and kissed the top of AJ’s head. “Yes, yes it did.” It had felt right to them both. They loved one another, and they deserved to be able to be true to themselves and the world. How this would affect their career, they weren’t sure. But they knew that above all else they had to be true to themselves. The time for hiding was done. Now was their time to be themselves.

NEXT PART

The last part of their break went by pretty happily. The two did nothing important beyond spending time with one another. Brian took advantage of this time to baby AJ. He helped him with his exercises and took care of him. He helped him shower and dress and anything else he needed. To AJ’s surprise, he didn’t really mind Brian helping him.

In the daytime the two men stayed mostly at the hotel. They had convinced their friends to go back to wherever they had been for their vacations. Soon enough they would all be back on tour again. So, without their friends there, they spent their days either in bed with one another, or watching movies, or they called Tony and went out to laugh and shop and eat. Each night they met up with Mark and Tony at different restaurants.

But on their last day there, AJ woke up determined to do one important thing. They had a flight out at two that afternoon and he wanted to have things taken care of by then. So before Brian was even awake, AJ started to gather up little things here and there. He called down to room service, ordering coffee and breakfast sandwiches.

The sound of AJ moving around in the bathroom, gathering their toiletries, was what finally woke Brian up. He stretched luxuriously in the bed, cracking his eyes open to look sleepily toward the bathroom. “What’re you doing in there, lover boy?” he called out.

AJ’s head poked out the bathroom door, wreathed in smiles. “Morning, baby! There’s coffee and breakfast over in the living room.”

That was the benefit of having rented a suite. It was almost like their own private apartment. It also afforded them a slightly more secluded feeling.

“Mm, coffee.” Brian mumbled appreciatively. He didn’t bother to get out of bed, though. Instead, he rolled onto his stomach, crossing his arms under his head and smiling toward the bathroom. “You better not be moving your arm too much or lifting anything.”

“I’m lifting a bottle of shampoo and putting it inside the bag, does that count?” AJ called back.

“You’re packing us up already? We’ve got a few hours yet, honey. We’re meeting Mark and Tony at the airport café at noon, remember?”

“I know, but we’ve got a stop to make first, so I want to get out of here in the next thirty minutes.”

Brian sat up in bed, stretching his arms over his head. He heard AJ whistle and turned to look. AJ had stuck his head back out the bathroom door and had whistled at Brian as the sheet had slipped away, showing that he was naked. “Morning, sexy.” AJ said with a wiggle of his eyebrows.

Without any modesty at all Brian stood up and walked over to their suitcase. He deliberately ignored the catcalls that AJ was doing. A smile was curving his lips, though. “So where’re we going to?” he asked as he drew his pants on. AJ came out of the bathroom then, tossing the bag of bathroom items into an open suitcase.

“Your parents’ house.” The words were just casually thrown out there as if there was nothing to them. Even as he said them, AJ squatted in front of their suitcase of clothes. He knew better than to try and bend to sort through things. That was pain he only had to experience once to learn from. He hadn’t known how many ways of moving involved the muscles in the shoulder. It was amazing!

Brian froze in place, staring at the top of AJ’s head. “My parents?” he squawked out.

“Mm hm.” AJ sifted through his clothes, trying to find something to wear. It was such a pain in the ass to try to figure out how to dress when you had to have your shirt strapped to your chest and it was almost impossible to get a regular t-shirt on. He and Brian had bought plenty of new button up shirts, which did make dressing easier. “I called your mom. She’s expecting us before too much longer. I told her we had a noon commitment.”

“You did what? Listen here, Alex, I-”

AJ straightened up with his clothes in hand. “No, you listen, Brian. You’ve been beating yourself up despite my best efforts to kill off this guilt trip you seem to be in. You need to talk to them and work this out before it eats you up inside.”

“You had no right to orchestrate this behind my back!” Brian shouted at him. He stormed out of the bedroom and over to where the coffee sat waiting. Anger practically vibrated off of him. Annoyed, AJ sat on the edge of the bed and worked to put his pants on, grumbling the entire time. He’d known that Brian would react like this. It was why he had waited until the last minute to tell him.

He swore to himself when he bent the wrong way and his shoulder started to throb. That only increased his temper. It was so damn frustrating to try and do something on his own and have it be so damn hard! Eventually he got his pants up and the zipper pulled up. Buttoning one handed was more than he could do. Unbutton, yes; button, no.

In more pain than he would care to admit to, AJ headed out to the front room and over to the coffee. Brian already had a cup and was sipping at it, still looking annoyed. Guilt flashed in his eyes when he caught sight of AJ, though. He knew he looked a sight. Probably pale, as that usually happened when he was hurting, and most likely a little sweaty from struggling so hard and trying to keep the pain at bay. “You should have called me in. I would have helped you get your jeans on, honey.”

“I got the damn things on, didn’t I?” AJ grumbled in a low voice. He poured himself a cup of coffee and picked it up without bothering with cream or sugar, which was unusual for him. “Now are you done being pissed so we can get ready to go?”

Brian’s face darkened again. “You should have spoken to me first, AJ. I’m not ready to see them yet. I don’t want to go back out there and see them. They’re my parents, and it’s my right to deal with them if and when I’m ready.”

“Your right?” AJ said incredulously. He had to set his coffee cup back down for fear that he was going to throw it. Now that his hand was free he raised a finger to point at Brian. “They’re your parents, but you seem to be forgetting that I was the one that got fucking shot! If either of us has a right to be pissed it’d be me! But here I am trying to fix shit and here you are being a stubborn fucker about the whole damn thing!”

“I have never once forgotten that you were shot, Alex.” In sharp contrast to AJ, Brian’s voice was soft and low and full of pain.

Running a hand through his hair, AJ sighed. “Then why can’t you let me fix this? I have it in my heart to forgive him. You should too. You need to try, Bri. This will poison you if you don’t.”

The room grew silent. AJ could see that his words had affected Brian somewhere deep inside. He knew, even before Brian spoke, that he had won this. When his lover nodded at him, AJ smiled. He walked over and brought a hand to Brian’s cheek before kissing him. “Thank you.”

“I love you, Alex.” Brian whispered to him with a smile.

“Good. Then you won’t mind helping me button my jeans or get a shirt on. I don’t think we should go with me dressed like this.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Brian shut off the car and sat there, staring at the front of his parents’ house. Nerves ate at the inside of Brian’s stomach. The last time they had been here, they’d been chased from the house with a shotgun and shot at. He’d had to hold a bullet wound on his lover and try to stop him from bleeding out as Kevin took them to the hospital.

A warm hand slid into his, catching his attention. He looked over to find AJ’s warm, chocolate eyes looking at him with love in them. “You’re doing the right thing, baby.”

“Let’s just get in there and get this done with.” Brian joked.

The two climbed from the car and joined hands before heading up to knock at the front door. Before they got the chance to knock the door was flung open. Jackie stood there, her eyes already red rimmed. “You’re here.” She breathed the words as if she hadn’t believed they were possible. There was love and anguish bright on her face. “Come in, come in. Please.”

AJ nudged Brian forward and the two followed Jackie inside. Instead of heading to the living room this time around, Jackie led them back to the dining room. She already had coffee set on the table and cups ready for their arrival. Harold sat at the head of the table, his hands wrapped around his cup, staring into its depths. At the sound of them entering the room his gaze snapped up, instantly locking on AJ.

His eyes traveled over AJ’s waist, where his arm was still strapped, and up to his shoulder, where the bandage was just a vague lump under his shirt sleeve. “You came.” He whispered it in almost the same tone that Jackie had.

“Yeah, well, AJ didn’t leave me much choice. Say whatever you want to him so we can go meet our friends. We’ve got a lunch date with them at noon and I don’t want to be late.” The words had a smart ass sound to them that wasn’t typical for Brian. It surprised even him.

What surprised Harold and Jackie more was AJ’s reaction to it. He sighed and let go of Brian’s hand. Then, reaching up, he took hold of Brian’s ear and twisted it. Brian instantly tilted his head, trying to relieve the pressure. “AJ! What on earth? Let go!”

AJ twisted a little harder, effectively shutting Brian up. Once he had him quiet he walked him forward to one of the chairs and forced him down into it. Still holding his ear, AJ bent down so that they were face to face. “I’ve had about enough of your bullshit little attitude about this. The Brian I know does not hold grudges or talk to his parents this way. The Brian I know always respected his parents. He taught me that forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. Now, I tried coddling you with this, and I tried being patient. Which, you happen to know, is not a strong suit of mine.”

Releasing Brian’s ear, he pulled his face back and glared at him, watching as Brian reached up to rub at his now sore ear. “I’m done being patient. Suck it up and talk to them.”

“Last I checked, AJ, you weren’t in charge of me. I’m not a kid for you to just boss around. If I chose to get up and walk out that door right now it would be my business, do you understand me?”

Shock crossed AJ’s features for a minute. All three people in the room were riveted on AJ as the shock faded away and anger filled him. “How dare you?” AJ whispered. He looked at Brian, the pain in his eyes so sharp that it left Brian speechless. “You actually have a chance to fix this with your parents and you’re blowing it over pride? I would kill to be able to fix things with my mom, but that won’t happen.” AJ raised a hand, gesturing to Jackie and Harold. “They’re right there, willing to talk to you, to work with you, to fix things. But you want to sit here and act like a child.”

AJ threw his good hand up in the air and took a step back. “Do what you want, Brian. But whatever happens now is on you. Not them, not me. You. Suck it up or shut up. But I’m not standing here fighting with you over you being stupid.”

Furious and unable to contain it, AJ turned and stormed out of the house.

Shock was still the most prominent emotion in Brian as he stared after his fiancée. It was quickly followed by a wave of shame. AJ was right. He was totally right. “Mom?” he turned to look back at his parents, feeling that shame grow again. “Would you mind sitting with J for a bit? I don’t want him moving around too much and making his shoulder ache. We’ve got a flight ahead of us and I don’t want him to be hurting for it. Please?”

“Of course.” She said softly, hurrying out of the room.

For a moment Brian busied himself by preparing a cup of coffee. As he added the sugar he finally started to speak. “AJ’s already forgiven you, you know. He’s that kind of a guy. I think he stopped being mad the instant I told him what you said to me at the hospital, about how it was an accident.” Lifting his cup to his lips, Brian looked over it at his dad, his gaze steady. “Was that true?”

“It is, son. I never meant for that to happen. I was furious, yes. But I just wanted to scare him away so we could talk. I was stupid in pulling it out, but I never wanted to hurt him. Please, if you believe nothing else, believe that.”

“What about the problem that started it all? I’m still gay, Dad. We’re still engaged. I will have a commitment ceremony with him in California, and live with him in his house. None of that has changed. I love him.”

To Brian’s surprise, Harold was nodding. “I understand, son. I do. For the past week we’ve thought we lost you. Not only that, but I’ve had to live with the memory of shooting AJ. It does things to a person, living like that. I realized, your mother and I both did, that there’s nothing more important to us than your happiness. We can’t deny that you love him, or that he loves you. Maybe we’re not totally comfortable with it, but give us time and we will be. You’re too important to us to lose, Brian. We love you.”

There was one thing Harold never had been, and that was a liar. So Brian knew the words he spoke were honest and true. They took the weight on his heart and lifted it, easing a pain he had been forcing himself not to feel. “Thank you.” It was all he could manage to whisper as he reached out and took hold of his Dad’s hand.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AJ kicked the back tire of their car as he tried to light a cigarette with one hand. He couldn’t quite get angled right so the wind wouldn’t blow it instantly out. “Stupid fucking piece of shit.” Mumbling around the edge of the cigarette he tried yet again to get his lighter to flare to life. A pair of delicate hands suddenly cupped around the end of his smoke. AJ puffed it to life before looking over into eyes that were so like Brian’s. “Thank you, Ma’am.”

“Not that I approve of you smoking, mind you.” She teased him, leaning against the side of the car. “But I figured you needed this one.”

“I appreciate it. Sometimes it’s a little frustrating, being stuck doing things one handed.”

“I can only imagine.”

With a slow drag, AJ moved and leaned against the car as well, letting it ease some of the weight off his body. “Do you think they’re talking or fighting in there?” he asked quietly. As angry as he’d been he was still worried about how it would go. But letting on to that worry would only have given Brian another excuse to take them out of there. This needed to be done.

Jackie slanted AJ an impish look so reminiscent of Brian that he had to smile. “Until today, I had never seen Brian get snippy with anyone before. I’d also never seen him so thoroughly dressed down. Usually he just plods right on past obstacles, just doing what he wants despite objections, quietly going on. But I think you bowled him over. The way they were when I left, my guess is they’re talking. Thanks to you.”

“I just did what needed doing.” AJ mumbled, flicking his ash.

She shook her head and smiled in wonder at him. “You really love him, don’t you?”

“With every part of me, ma’am.”

For a moment Jackie stood there, staring at him. Then a smile lit her face. “You better stop calling me ma’am, then. No son in law of mine is going to walk around calling me ma’am. It’ll be Jackie, or Mom. Take your pick. Mom works best for me.”

Tears filled AJ’s eyes. To cover them, he bent down to put his smoke out. He hastily wiped at his cheeks on his way back up. “Thank you.” He whispered when he was face to face with her again.

Jackie slid an arm around his waist, tucking in to his good side. “Things will be better now, Alex. I feel it. You’ve brought change, but it’s all for the good. Our son is happy now. That makes us happy. We may take a little while to adjust, but we’re not going anywhere. You’re good for my son, I see that now. I see how you two are together. You’re exactly what he needs, and all we could have asked for in a partner for him. In the face of that, gender just doesn’t really seem to matter, does it?”

That was it for AJ. He gave up fighting the tears. With his good arm he hugged Jackie to him, kissing the top of her head. She hugged him back and smiled up at him.

NEXT PART

*Three Days later*

*June 8, 2001: Orlando, FL*

AJ peeked out the side of the stage, looking at the crowds out there. For a short while they’d been so worried that fans would bail on them now that the truth had come out. It looked like maybe they hadn’t. The stadium was still full just like any other show had been. The energy was the same as it always was. He felt the same thrill run through him.

The guys had tried to talk AJ out of doing the show. Or, insisting that if was going to do it he should at least be sitting in a chair or on a stool. As if. Did they really think he would agree to something like that? Not likely! He enjoyed being on stage too much; the movement, the fans, the energy. But he had made a compromise, though Brian hadn’t let it be a compromise. He had simply said this was how it would be. When it was the slow songs, all of them would have stools to sit on, that way AJ could rest without looking like the odd duck out.

His headset was all hooked up and ready to go. It left him with a free hand, just in case. Another point that Brian had argued and won on. Not that AJ had fought very hard. He knew that Brian was right and that it was safer. Sometimes he just couldn’t resist arguing with his fiancée. Plus, the make-up sex was mind blowing.

“You ready for this?” Brian’s voice came from behind him only a moment before he slid an arm around AJ’s waist.

The grin that AJ wore was answer enough when he looked back at him. Brian laughed and gave him a kiss. “Keeping you off stage would be like keeping a duck out of water. It just doesn’t work.”

“You know me well.”

“Let’s hope I do. We’ve been together over a year now.”

AJ kissed him, love filling him up. “And we have plenty more ahead of us.”

The call came for them to get into their places. With one last kiss, the two got into position and prepared to go out to do the thing they loved to do most.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

About halfway into the show, AJ was ready for the next slow song. Even with his brace strapped on tight and the pain pill he’d taken before the show he was really starting to feel that steady fire building in his shoulder and down his arm. So when the cue came for them to get their stools he was extremely grateful. Brian brought over two. One for him and one for AJ, since AJ was still on a lifting restriction.

Their stools were beside one another, center stage, and the others set up around them. But once Brian and AJ were sitting down the others moved to the sides of them, all wearing large grins. Nick walked over and took their headsets and trading them for microphones with one of the stage hands. Curious, and a little cautious, AJ took the microphone. “Uh, what’s going on here, fellas?” He asked them all, looking from one to the other.

“Well, AJ, Brian, we wanted to give you guys a gift.” Kevin said into his mic, gesturing grandly. “To show our support of your relationship as well as your engagement.”

Oh holy God. AJ felt humor tickling at his throat. He exchanged a look with Brian and saw the same thoughts in his eyes. The guys were up to something. What, they weren’t sure. But something.

Nick stepped between them, putting an arm around their waists. He came awfully close to AJ’s shoulder, only reminded of it when Brian pinched him. Smirking, Nick adjusted before looking at the crowd. “Now these guys have been our friends for quite a long time. We love them like they’re brothers. But we’ve heard the rumors going around about a group split up.”

Howie stepped up on the other side of them, opposite Kevin. “We’ve also heard it said that people think we don’t approve of their relationship or their lifestyle choice or how public they’ve made it. That we put on a happy face but that we’re really angry.”

“So,” Kevin took over again, his grin growing wider. “Tonight, with all the cameras present, and of course all you wonderful people here, we’re going to show you exactly how supportive we really are.”

“Also!” Howie held up a hand, stopping the music before it started .He turned to look at AJ and his grin was pure evil. “It’s a little bit of payback for turning Nick loose on me that day at the hospital. Love ya, J.”

Brian and AJ dropped their mic’s down as they laughed. “I told you he’d get you back!” Brian whispered to his fiancée. They linked hands, smiling as music started to play. Brian looked confused when he recognized it as the music for “I want it that way.” AJ threw his head back and laughed. He knew exactly what they were doing. “You guys are horrible!” he called to them.

With his head still between them, Nick sang the opening lines.

_We are on fire,_

_We have desires,_

_But one is that way,_

_One backstreet boy is gay._

The arena exploded with screams and cat calls. Brian turned bright red and almost fell off his chair in laughter. Howie took the next verse, looking so pleased with himself that AJ and Brian laughed harder.

_But we don't want to_

_Be mean,_

_Since now he's a queen,_

_Don't ask me,_

_Which backstreet boy is gay?_

The older two came back, joining Nick behind their friends. Brian and AJ grinned at one another and watched as their friends sang together.

_Tell me who,_

_(Ain't saying that it's AJ)_

_Tell me who,_

_(Ain't saying that it's Howie)_

_Tell me who,_

_I never wanna hear you say,_

_Which backstreet boy is gay?_

Putting his hand on AJ’s shoulder, Kevin sang the next verse. As the words came from his mouth AJ was swatting at him, laughing so hard he missed half the time.  The audience was going insane by then, dancing and screaming in the aisles. AJ thought that Brian might explode, he was so red from laughing so hard.

_Now I can see him,_

_He's in women's clothes,_

_But he don't need an IUD... yeah_

_He likes village people_

_He's playing croquet,_

_His dog is a Pekinese._

“Hey, I like croquet!” Brian said into his mic. Laughing, AJ shoved at him. “We aint getting no Pekinese!”

Howie stepped away to sing the next verse, pouring his heart into it as if it was the real song.

_He's on fire,_

_His back perspires,_

_Won't say (won't say, won't say, won't saaaay)_

_Who’s gay!_

_He's always saying_

For the last two verses their friends all joined together behind them again, singing for all they were worth.

_Ain't nothing but a butt ache,_

_Ain't nothing but a fruitcake,_

_I never wanna hear you say (I never wanna hear you say)_

_Which one of us is gay?_

_Tell me who,_

_(Ain't saying that it's Brian)_

_Tell me who,_

_(Ain't saying Nick or Kevin)_

_Tell me who,_

_He's baking up a soufflé,_

_Which backstreet boy is gay?_

The music died away and the crowd was still screaming. Brian was holding on to AJ’s leg in an effort to keep himself balanced upright. AJ was holding Brian’s arm for the same reason. They both had tears streaming down their faces and grins a mile wide.

Behind them once again, Nick grinned down at the two. “Let’s seal this with a kiss, guys! Kiss, kiss, kiss!”

The older two took up the chant, waving their arms in the air to encourage the audience to join them. Soon the whole arena was chanting “Kiss, kiss, kiss!” over and over and over.

AJ wiped tears off his face and looked at Brian. They held the mic’s away for a moment. “Our friends are insane.” AJ smirked proudly. Brian just nodded. “They are. But after all that, we can’t disappoint them now can we?”

“Of course not.”

One of AJ’s hands came up, grabbing a fistful of Brian’s hair and yanking their heads together at the same time that Brian grabbed his shirt and pulled him close. Their kiss was big and explosive. The sounds of the crowd drained away around them as their lips locked and, for the first time in public, they fully let their love and passion for one another show.

When they pulled back the sound of the audience slowly seeped back in. They were roaring their happiness over this.

A faint blush tinged Brian’s cheeks, but his eyes were bright. “I love you, Alex.”

“I love you too, Bri.”

They turned their eyes to their friends and said, at the same time “But we’ll get you guys back for this.”

EPILOUGE

*April 23rd, 2002*

*California*

A light breeze blew through the tent that had been erected earlier in the day. Laughter echoed around the group of people, and echoed over from the tent that wasn’t too far away. It was a day of happiness, AJ thought to himself. A day of love and celebration. It was the day he was going to marry the man he loved in front of all their family and friends.

He looked around his tent and couldn’t help but smile. The people he loved were with him; the sun was shining down. Even over the laughter and the conversation they could still hear the sounds of the waves crashing on the shore.

The tents had been Brian’s idea. Big enough to house a crowd for each of them, as well as all the things necessary to change and prepare. Since their wedding was outside they didn’t have little rooms to prep in before meeting in the aisle. So Brian had come up with the idea of these beautiful white tents. Most everything else had been planned by Jackie. She had loved every second of being the wedding planner. Since that day that they had come to Brian’s parent’s house to mend the fences, the Littrell’s had adopted AJ into their family like there had never been any problems.

Right then Jackie was busy fussing with his tie, straightening it one last time. There were tears in her beautiful eyes, but there was also joy. Any qualms her and Harold had carried before were long gone. She was like another mother to him, and Harold treated AJ just like another son. It warmed his heart. He felt as if he wasn’t just gaining a husband, but also a whole family. An extended family the size of which he had never had before.

Howie was over to one side of the tent, joking with his girlfriend as she helped fix his hair. Mark was there with him as well, smiling as he looked AJ over. “You look absolutely stunning.” He told AJ, walking up to give him a hug. “Brian won’t know what hit him.”

They might not have been able to have all the regular traditions of a normal wedding, but they tried to keep some. Neither had seen the other’s outfits. Jackie had been a go between, making sure that they wouldn’t clash, but neither knew what the other was going to wear. Typically it was a bride who couldn’t be seen in her dress, but they took that and changed it to suit them.

“Are you sure? I mean, I know I’m not usually a suit kind of guy.” AJ grinned down at himself, spreading his arms wide to showcase his outfit. Usually he was so confident in his looks. But today was different; today was important. He wanted to look his best. He wanted to stun his soon to be husband.

Jackie reached up and patted his cheek. “You’re dashing, darling. Trust me, you’ll knock him off his feet.” She reassured him.

If anything, AJ’s grin grew wider. This was the happiest he had ever been in his entire life. He and Brian had been preparing for their life together like two kids excited over Christmas. They’d bought a house that they had yet to live in, right in California. They’d agreed that they didn’t want to move in until they were officially married. It may have sounded silly to others, but it felt right to them.

Pressing a hand to his stomach, AJ chuckled lightly. “I feel nervous. That seems so silly. I know I want to be with him. But I’m still nervous.”

“That’s normal.” Jackie’s face lit up with a wide grin. She looked so beautiful with her hair piled up on her head, and little curls dangling down. Her dress was a simple red sundress that complimented her frame well. AJ loved her as if she really was his mother. At her insistence, that was what he called her. Mama. He couldn’t bring himself to say Ma, as he did to his own mother.

A small burst of sadness filled him for a moment. They had sent an invitation to Denise, at Brian’s request. It had been sent back unopened. That had hurt, deep down inside. There was nothing that he wanted more than to have his mother be there on the most important day of his life. But he refused to dwell on it.

Something must have showed in his eyes because Jackie wrapped an arm around his waist, hugging him. The entire Littrell family was big on hugs. “Thinking of Denise?” she asked him quietly. Mark put a hand on his shoulder in support.

“Just a little. I wish she would have come today. It would have meant the world to me.” He looked around the room, catching the eyes of all that he loved. The sadness burned away. When he looked back at Jackie, his eyes were clear and his smile honest. “But I have my family with me here. If she chooses not to be a part of that, then it’s her loss. I’ll be happy, with or without her. I won’t let her ruin this day for me.”

“Good for you.” Smiling, Jackie tipped up to kiss his cheek.

Kevin walked in the front of the tent then, with Nick on his tail. Nick carried a camera, having been delegated the cameraman of the whole event. Both of them were grinning at him. Kevin had a look of pride in his eyes when he saw AJ. “I have to say, scrawny, you clean up good.”

Stepping away from everyone, AJ held his arms out again and did a little twirl for the camera. He really did look good. He was wearing basic black suit pants with a single pleat on the front; a long sleeved white shirt with a garnet colored vest and a black tie. True to his style, he was barefoot. Both he and Brian would be. It was part of their whole ‘beach wedding’ theme. He wore no sunglasses, not wanting shield his eyes from a moment of this event. Jackie had agreed with him that the suit jacket would have been too much. He looked formal, yet like himself as well. “Bet you never thought you’d see me this dressed up.”

“I never thought I’d see you settle down, either. Yet here you are. I couldn’t be happier for you, Age.” Kevin stepped forward and wrapped him in a hug. When he pulled back, he wiped at the corner of his eye. Seeing this bring Kevin to tears almost brought on AJ’s tears. They’d been close to the surface for a while, but he was fighting them. He didn’t want to cry his way through this day.

Howie walked over to join them, and for a moment AJ just admired his friends, both old and new. Mark stood with the other band members, as much a part of their life now as he was a part of AJ’s. Since AJ had been released from the hospital, his and Brian’s friendship with Mark and Tony had grown. They were actually looking around to try and find a way to move to California. They had no family in Kentucky and were looking to relocate to the sun, and to be around friends.

All four men were barefoot, and dressed in khaki pants with white button down short sleeved shirts. They would act as groomsmen, as well as Tony and Brian’s brother Harold.

Harold, Kevin and Nick would stand on Brian’s side while Howie, Mark and Tony would stand on AJ’s. They were the six people in their life they were closest to. Like brothers to them.

“You guys look pretty good too.” AJ finally complimented them. He couldn’t resist asking “How’s Brian doing over there?”

Kevin’s grin grew wider. “Chomping at the bit. He can’t wait to get out there.”

Looking wistfully in the direction of Brian’s tent, AJ’s smile grew softer and full of love. “I can’t either.”

~~~~~~~~~~~

Time seemed to be going so slow! Brian could hear the crowd gathering outside and felt almost impatient. He wanted nothing more than to get out there and finally be able to marry the man he loved. It was like a dream come true.

They had been through so much to get to where they were. It seemed amazing that they had come so far together. There were times it had seemed so tough, and times they almost hadn’t made it. With AJ’s addiction battle, and then the fight with both their parents, it had seemed as if the world had been so set against them. But they had stuck by one another, and toughed it out. Now look where they were.

He couldn’t help grinning to himself. AJ had made a wonderful recovery from his arm surgery. That arm still wasn’t very strong, and Mark said that it would probably never get back to its original strength. But AJ worked at it steadily, building it back up as best he could. Sometimes he still had trouble lifting, but Brian was always there to help him out.

They had made it through, though. Because they loved one another and they had never given up when the going got tough. Looking over at his dad, Brian couldn’t help but marvel at that. It was the one thing he hadn’t expected in all this. Thank God for AJ forcing him to talk to his parents.

Harold was fixing his tie, a smile on his face as he was lost in his own thoughts. Sometimes it still amazed Brian that his Dad had become one of their biggest supporters. As he had told Brian, the fear of losing him had really changed his views on a lot of things. The accident with AJ had pushed it along even more. Both he and Jackie had realized that love, no matter its form, was always right. They had accepted AJ into the family as if he had always been a part of it.

Music started outside, signaling the call for the groomsmen to start down the aisle. Brian’s stomach did a leap. It was almost time!

He checked his outfit one last time, smiling to himself. He wore black pleated suit pants, a white button down long sleeved shirt, a black tie, and an amethyst vest. It had seemed right to base his vest color off of the ring. Appropriate.

“It’s almost time, son.” Harold said as he walked over to him. His face was full of love and pride that brought a lump into Brian’s throat. “You ready to go start your new life?”

“Ready and excited.”

“Good. That’s how it should be.” With practiced hands, Harold straightened Brian’s tie. “Your mother, she was all nerves on our wedding day. But me, I wanted to run down the aisle. I could barely stand to wait for her to get to me. Seemed like it took forever. Then I looked and I saw her comin gat me, and everything else just disappeared.”

“This feels so wonderful, Dad. I’m happy and excited and just all sorts of things that I can barely stand still.”

Laughter filled the tent. Harold Jr. came over and slapped Brian on the back. “You’ve got a good guy there, bro. I like him. He’ll make a good Littrell.”

That had been an amazing shocker for Brian. When they’d discussed their wedding plans, AJ had so softly and so sweetly asked if Brian would mind if he took his last name. He said that there was nothing left in his life to tie him to being a Mclean. He wanted to marry Brian and be with him and be a part of his family. After today, his name would legally be AJ Littrell. On that note, they had decided that Brian would stand at the alter and be the ‘groom’ while AJ would walk down the aisle to him and be the ‘bride.’

Brian remembered AJ’s face when Harold Sr. had told him that he would be honored if AJ would allow him to give him away. It had been one of the few times that AJ had openly cried around others. That offer had touched his heart and made him feel a part of the family.

“I better get on over there and do my part.” Harold Sr. said, interrupting Brian’s thoughts. “It’s almost your turn, son.”

“I love you, Dad.” He said suddenly, embracing his father. Harold Sr. hugged him back, whispering in his ear “I love you too, son. I’m so proud of you.” Before he pulled away and left the tent.

The song hit a certain note, and Harold Jr. grinned. “That’s my cue, bro. Wait thirty seconds and start out after us. We’ll be waiting.”

At that, Brian was alone. He stared at the tent entrance, smiling to himself as he counted down the time. He felt like a kid! He was so excited and so happy it felt as if he should be floating. When his thirty seconds were up he had to remind himself to walk, not run, from the tent and out into the aisle. As he made the turn and looked out ahead of him, Brian smiled.

There were white chairs set off to either side of the aisle, full of family and friends. A white arch had been erected at the end, under which their priest stood waiting. Behind him was the ocean. On one side of the arch stood his groomsmen, smiling at him. Brian walked down the aisle and stood in front of the arch, on the side with his groomsmen. Nick was behind him, his smile wide and his eyes wet.

Jackie came walking down the aisle next, looking as beautiful as Brian had ever seen her, tears already in her eyes. Behind her came Mark, then Howie, and finally Tony. When she reached the front, Jackie briefly touched his hand before taking her seat in the front row. The men lined up on their side, and the music changed.

This was what Brian had been waiting for. He straightened, looking toward where he knew AJ would come from. This was the moment he had been dying for. They were about to make the biggest commitment of their entire life, and nothing in the world had ever felt so right. As the music played on, Brian watched and got his first view of his soon to be husband. It took his breath away.

AJ and Harold rounded the corner and started down the aisle, arm in arm. Harold looked so proud to be where he was. His smile was both fatherly and loving. But it was AJ who captured all of Brian’s attention. The rest of the world seemed to fade away.

God, but he looked beautiful in his suit! It struck Brian, somewhere in the back of his mind, that AJ had chosen a vest to match his birthstone as well. But what he locked on the most was AJ’s face. Never before had he seen so much love there. It was like AJ practically glowed with it. It was an extension of how he, Brian, felt. When the two men stopped and Harold passed AJ’s arm off to him, Brian took it with joy and pride. “You look amazing.” He couldn’t help whispering.

“You’re a stunner yourself.” AJ whispered back.

Pastor Eric looked at them and smiled. He was a very open minded pastor that they both liked very much, and this wasn’t his first commitment ceremony that he had presided over. He had his hands clasped in front of him as he gave them a smile.

“We are gathered here today in the face of this company, to join together Brian Littrell and Alexander Mclean in matrimony; which is an honorable and solemn estate and therefore is not to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly, but reverently and soberly. Into this estate these two persons present come now to be joined. If anyone can show just cause why they may not be lawfully joined together, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.”

There was a silent pause as the waves crashed into the shore. When no one spoke, Pastor Eric continued. “Who gives Alex to be married to this man?”

Harold stood from his seat. “I do.”

“Who gives Brian to be married to this man?”

Jackie stood beside her husband. “I do.”

The two quietly sat back down as the ceremony continued. The two grooms turned so that they were facing one another as the Pastor spoke his next words.

“Brian, do you take Alexander for your lawful wedded husband, to live in the holy estate of matrimony? Will you love, honor, comfort, and cherish him from this day forward, forsaking all others, keeping only unto he for as long as you both shall live?”

Without a single hesitation, Brian said “I do.” The words sent a thrill through him. He smiled into AJ’s eyes, which were swimming.

“Alexander, do you take Brian for your lawful wedded husband, to live in the holy estate of matrimony? Will you love, honor, comfort, and cherish him from this day forward, forsaking all others, keeping only unto him for as long as you both shall live?”

“I do.” AJ said in that confident rasp of his.

“Wedding rings are an outward and visible sign of an inward spiritual grace and the unbroken circle of love, signifying to all the union of this man and this man in marriage.”

Their rings had been taken off for the ceremony. Now, Kevin stepped up to Brian and handed him a ring. As the Pastor said the words, Brian repeated them with a clear voice as he put the ring on AJ’s finger. “I, Brian, take thee, Alexander, to be my Husband. To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, and I promise my love to you forevermore.”

Howie stepped up and handed AJ his ring. Smiling through the tears that were now streaming down his cheeks, AJ spoke in a voice gone deeper and raspier with emotion as he slid Brian’s ring on his finger. “I, Alexander, take thee, Brian, to be my Husband. To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, and I promise my love to you forevermore.”

The Pastor smiled at everyone as he looked at the two of them, who were now clasping hands. “Brian and Alexander, as the two of you come into this marriage uniting you as husband and husband, and as you this day affirm your faith and love for one another; I would ask that you always remember to cherish each other as special and unique individuals. That you respect the thoughts, ideas and suggestions of one another. Be able to forgive, do not hold grudges, and live each day that you may share it together as from this day forward you shall be each other's home, comfort and refuge, your marriage strengthened by your love and respect for each other. Let us bow our heads in prayer.”

Everyone bowed their heads as the Pastor’s words filled them.

“Dear Heavenly Father, our hearts are filled with great happiness on Brian and Alexander's wedding day, as they come before You pledging their hearts and lives to one another. Grant that they may ever be true and loving, living together in such a way as to never bring shame or heartbreak into their marriage. Temper their hearts with kindness and understanding, rid them of all pretense or jealousy. Help them to remember to be each other's sweetheart, helpmate, best friend and guide, so that together they may meet the cares and problems of life more bravely. And with the passage of time, may they find great contentment in the rich joy of senior companionship. May the home they are creating today truly be a place of love and harmony, where Your Spirit is always present. Bless this marriage we pray and walk beside Brian and Alexander throughout all of their lives together. We ask these things in Jesus name; Amen.”

“Amen.” Echoed the voices of all.

Brian lifted his head and met AJ’s eyes again. He felt his own tears build.

“Brian and Alexander, in so much as the two of you have agreed to live together in Holy Matrimony, have promised your love for each other by these vows, the joining of your hands and the giving of these rings, I now declare you to be Husband and Husband. Whom God hath joined together, let no one put asunder. May the Lord bless you and keep you. May the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious unto you. May the Lord lift up his countenance unto to you, and give you peace. Congratulations, you may kiss your husband.”

The two came together, AJ’s hand coming up to cup Brian’s cheek as they kissed their first kiss as husband and husband. When they pulled back, they couldn’t stop smiling. The two turned to face the crowd and Pastor Eric stepped to their back, putting a hand on either shoulder.

“It is my privilege to present to you Mr. & Mr. Littrell.”

As everyone applauded, the two men stepped down into the aisle, taking the first few steps into their new life together with tears in their eyes, and smiles on their faces.


End file.
